I 'Ate My Life.

April 2018 Goals

Bringing this one back to the basics, peeps. To be totally up front with the 4 of you that read this, I’ve just been functioning on work, unpacking, nannying, sleep and repeat this month. This will be the first time that I’ve sat down to think about April goals.

I want to start off on a continuation from my last post. While I haven’t made much of any progress the last few months, like I intended. I am holding myself accountable by writing here. If anything at all, it can be used as a tool to look back on in the future. With that being said.. I do, in a sense, feel like a weight is beginning to lift. The weight of stress and the past that I’ve been referencing the last few months.

I still have some things to do at my old apartment yet before I can break ties there but actually being in my new apartment and starting to see it put together, I feel a little more okay than I have in months and months. So, even though I haven’t seen any physical changes, I am seeing significant progress mentally.

This months goals have a central focus: Routine. Now that I’m in a new apartment and metaphorically starting a new “chapter” in my life, my routine has been thrown off and I need/want to get better control of that.

  1. Meal Plan: Just meal plan, plan my meals for the week (Saturdays) and go grocery shopping for those items. I want to be sure to plan in cravings, desserts, and a substitute or two. My goal is to not deprive myself here or set myself up for failure. The better I plan, the less likely I will be at eating out because I don’t have what I want at home.
  2. Water: I’ve been doing pretty good on this as an “overall” but the last week and weekend, I fell way back off track. I was pop-less for nearly a month but jumped back on that train because I’ve been extra tired. (And no, I’ve never been a coffee drinker [ishta!]) While I still get plenty of water in, I’m nowhere near my 1/2-my-body-weight-in-ounces goal.
  3. Practice Self-Love: Self-confidence, self-acceptance, self-everything.. Whatever you want to call it. I’m not ready to divulge, but I’m entering the phase of my post-breakup life where people are going to begin asking questions. Are you dating? Are you seeing anyone? Talking to anyone? The list goes on.. All of those possibilities scare me and give me knots in my stomach more than I have words to explain. Not only am I terrified to go through, fall into, get hurt, etc like I have been in the past.. but I can’t even get past the “why would anyone even look at me?” part of the equation. I don’t see what I know I should in the mirror. I never have. I don’t see what my mom sees or my closest friends. I don’t see what my niece, Emma sees or what my ex-fiance ever saw. That’s why I want to put some significant effort into accepting me for me. I want to lose weight and get healthy,  I will. But in the meantime, I need to begin the road to self-love. Because even WHEN I lose the weight, I won’t be a flat stomached, non-flabby woman. No point in wasting another 28 years hating what I see in the mirror. Right?

There you go. Those are my April (and probably longer) goals. I would love to hear how your year is going. What progress have you made or haven’t, that’s okay. Do you have any tips, websites, or book suggestions that discuss and offer solutions to low-self esteem? How do you look in the mirror and not let it prevent you from living the best life each day?

Okay, I better go. My name (AUNTIE) is being repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated and..

March 2018 Recap

This will be a short one, peeps. I’m nearly half a month late bringing you a recap but with good reason. I moved in to my new apartment Easter weekend. That, paired with family being in town, a hectic work schedule, and no internet (until later that week); I didn’t have much access to reach you. YES, I know I could use the WP app but meh. Right now, I type to you as my beautiful, amazing niece is napping. I have a long list of things to write and to do this week while I watch her so that’s why this will be brief.

My March goals consisted of repeating and putting more focus on January & February goals. Those included making activity more consistent, putting more effort to get in fruits and veggies, and reduce eating out.

Overall, it was a pretty.. so-so month. I haven’t noticed any changes in my body, physically or on the scale but I’m starting to feel better mentally for longer periods of time. I think with the countdown to moving out at the end of March, the foggy window to the future started to clear. I’ll talk more about this in my next post when I discuss April goals.

Activity in the month of March was pretty constant. Primarily because I was in high gear to get everything moved out of my apartment. Up and down steps more then anyone should have to do and multiple trips to the thrift store donating shit I didn’t need anymore. While this wasn’t a permanent solution to activity, it has still lasted into part of this new month that I’m writing to you in. Think.. unpacking, putting together IKEA furnishings, hauling boxes to the dumpster, etc. Activity is activity!

My fruit and veggie game still isn’t on point. Honestly, the first time I actually went grocery shopping was 2 days ago for the first time in months and that was because my niece is here with me for a week. Prior to that, I’d stop at the store for 2-3 meals at a time. A habit that drives my OCD tendencies crazy but I attribute it to my low levels of self-everything.

That’s about it for now. I promised myself I’d write regardless, at least a goals and an update each month and I intend to do so. I hope you can all bare with me as I muddle through the same “eh, no progress really” month after month. One day I’m actually going to get the hang of loving myself enough to make a difference. I hope to post an April goals tonight or tomorrow durning nap time!

March 2018

Well ladies and gents, this probably isn’t a surprise to you but I’m pressing the pause button on “new” goals for the month of March. Don’t roll your eyes just yet.. I have goals for the month, just no new ones.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve shared 6 total “resolutions.” Either starting or stopping something in my life, all for the intention of improving my overall health; mind, body and soul. I’ve successfully stuck with 3 of them. That’s only 50%, guys!

I have been doing great at getting my meditation and reflection in. Because of that, and lavender essential oils, I’ve been doing pretty alright sticking to a bedtime. And on the nights I do stay up later, I’m still feeling well-rested come the morning. I do have an issue actually getting up in the morning but I’m working on that. Adjusting the rest of my lifestyle should help.

The 3rd goal I’ve stuck to is getting my water in. As you’ll recall, the goal is 1/2 my body weight in ounces WHICH IS A LOT. I don’t always get to that specific number but I’ve been doing fantastic at drinking the entire 101 ounce bottle at work and then coming home and drinking water before, during and after dinner. Some days, as mentioned in my last post, I don’t have the energy or desire to do anything including eating or drinking so there have likely been a handful of days where I don’t come close to my total water intake goal but I’ve been doing better on water the last month and a half then I have in probably 3-4 years.

With that being said, I’ve have 100% slacked on meal planning, getting all my fruits/veggies in, making fitness or movement any part of my daily routine and reducing my eating out habits. So, instead of putting together a new list of resolutions for the month, I’m pressing pause to refocus on the goals I’ve already assigned to myself.

Before I put this post together, I started my meal plan for this week. I didn’t want to share an empty goal with you or myself if I wasn’t going to follow through. Once I’m done writing, I’m going to get ready for the day and hit the grocery store with my list in hand. I don’t know how the week or month will go but all I can do is keep trying. On the good days, I’m going to hopefully get enough accomplished where I can set myself up for success on the bad days that are bound to sneak up on me.

Putting together a meal plan and sticking to it should in turn automatically reduce my eating out. The reason that increased over the last month is because I self-sabotagingly (is that a word?) didn’t have food in my fridge or cupboards.

Lastly, is the fitness/movement/exercise goal. Finishing packing and organizing all of my things will make me sweat but I also want to intentionally “exercise” at least twice per week in any matter whether it be a DVD or just walking in place with dumbbells in my hands for 15 minutes.

Happy March to everyone! I would love to hear how your New Years Resolutions are doing and what your goals for March are. WE. CAN. DO. THIS.

February 2018 Recap

Ringing in the new month with a recap of last month as promised.. Sounds like a productive Sunday to me. Lets get right to it.. overall, February was a disappointment. I feel embarrassed having to report in how the month went but I promised myself I would make record of my progress month to month and I intend to keep that promise.

I lost whatever oomph and drive I had when I last wrote you all. I had ups and downs during the month but we all do. I think I’m getting worn out. I’m in this draining limbo right now. In an empty, too big for me apartment by myself, waiting for my lease to be up so I can move into something smaller; into something all my own. Half my things are packed up in anticipation for that move. I feel mentally and emotionally drained in all areas.. friendships, sibling-hood, work, family, the list goes on. Some days all I can do when I get home is turn the TV on and sit. No supper, no water, no talking.. I have this weird feeling that everything will finally start looking up once I move in April. I don’t know why my mind and body can’t get a jump start on a better life before then.

My February goals were to make fruits and veggies a priority when meal planning (didn’t happen), schedule time for reflection 2-3 times per week (happened!), and to make fitness a more consistent part of my routine (didn’t happen).

To be completely honest with you, I went so far backwards this month, it’s not even funny. I didn’t even attempt to meal plan past the first week. Most of this month’s diet has consisted of noodles or breadsticks or pizza. Easy (carb heavy) food. I haven’t felt like meal planning or cooking. I’ve been buying the bare minimum, cheapest food I can find at the store. I couldn’t even whip up pancakes or french toast if I wanted to, no ingredients here.

I also didn’t make fitness a part of my routine. For about half the month, my mom and I had a challenge to take the stairs down at work. I was doing really good at that but it drifted off. I haven’t gone on any walks or popped in any workout videos this month.

The one thing that I did excel at though, was finding time for reflection and meditation this month. I had been using the Headspace app off and on over the last year but wasn’t sticking with it. It sort of gets boring after awhile and it’s the same guy day after day. I found a new app though, called Simple Habit. I love it. Since I’d been having trouble sleeping for the last couple of months, I decided to start doing my meditation just before bed and it has helped me fall asleep quicker and sleep through the night. When I wake up in the morning, I feel well rested even if I only got 5-6 hours of sleep. I started using the app inconsistently a few times throughout the month but now I’m doing it every single day. Last night was the 13th day of my current streak. Woo!

There are loads of categories to choose from.. If you only have 5 minutes, they have an on-the-go feature with auto-suggestions like “big event” or “commute.” Otherwise, you can type into the search bar anything you can think of or would like help meditating on. My favorites to-date are “sleep,” “relax,” and “tough day.”

With all of that being said, I’m sure you’re wondering what the scale has to say about this month. I don’t have an actual update on that for you. The last time I weighed in, I was up from the end of last month but hadn’t gained it all back. The scale I’m using seems to be OOO at the moment. The batteries are fresh and it turns on but it doesn’t register a weight of any kind. I may need to go out to buy a new scale sometime this month.

This is where I’ll leave you for now. I’ll be posting my March 2018 goals a little later today.

Do you meditate? If so, what is your routine? Are you self-disciplined enough to meditate on your own or do you have a favorite app? I would love to hear what works for you! Thanks for reading! 🙂

Find of the Week!

I am now the proud owner of a 101 ounce water bottle! Water Warriors, say what! I bought this at T.J. Maxx yesterday when I was hanging out with my mom in Grand Forks. I needed to have it. I’ve been doing good on water since I made it a goal last month but making sure I get all my water in is a pain on the daily because I’m trying my hardest to do 1/2 my body weight in ounces per a bagillion articles I’ve read.

When you’re significantly overweight, 1/2 your body weight in ounces is a butt-load of water. I need to drink nearly 2 of these giant water bottles each day to achieve that. Can you drown? On an average “good” day, I’ve been getting between 120 – 140 ounces. That’s just over (5) 24 ounce glasses which is hard to keep track of during a busy work/life day. Also, I often find myself stuck at my desk for hours and hours at a time with an empty water bottle. Too busy to get up, you know.

My goal is to drink this entire bottle at work; that’ll already set me up better than a regular day because my water intake from sunrise to sunset is usually split 50/50 between work and home. If I drink 101 ounces at work, then I’m already doing finnnnnne by the time I hit home.

Today is only day 1 of this awesome WB. It’s just before 5 and it’s empty! GOAL ACHIEVED! I’m always looking for ways to make my goals as easily attainable as possible and I’m confident that this is one of those ways. #WaterWarriorOut

February 2018

Second month goals, I’m comin’ for ya! I decided to add a few things to my calendar each month. One is an update on the month that just ended and another to determine my goals for the current month. Both of which I plan to post within the first 5 days of the new month.

If you read my last post, you’ll know that I had a mixed bag of ups and downs in regards to the success of my goals. The goals mentioned last month are still goals and I’ll continue to keep them on my radar and improve on them. I may re-list goals from time to time if I lose sight of them so don’t be surprised if you see something pop up again in the coming months.

For February, I want to make fruits and veggies a priority when planning meals or making food choices. As you’ll recall, last week I decided to “eat when I’m hungry.” This is a foreign thing to me because I’m always hungry. Or so I thought. I was unusually busy this last week and didn’t have as much downtime otherwise known as boredom. Adding to the already scientific proof that a lot of people eat out of boredom rather than actually being hungry. I had plenty of food last week but I didn’t have a traditional eating pattern.

There were pros and cons to that. While I lost 10 pounds in the week, I didn’t get all the nutrients I felt I should have. I want to continue listening to my body in terms of when I’m actually hungry but I want to try to make better choices. One of those choices would be to choose fruits and veggies more often or first over something else. If I’m still hungry for that something else, that’s fine. I can grab that after. Kind of like the “drink a glass of water before you eat, maybe you were just thirsty” thing.

For those who don’t know, I’m a picky eater. Shocking, I know, considering the mass I take up in any given environment. But I’ve been expanding my pallet. Not drastically but maybe age changes your tastebuds for the better? Lets hope. Either way, not only do I want to include more F&V into my day-to-day life, I want to broaden my options as well. I’ve never eaten brussel sprouts or grapefruit or avocado. I don’t even know what leeks are and I think pomegranates are pretty. Am I missing out? I’ve only tried asparagus once and wasn’t a fan but it’s not off the table. Wish me luck!

The second goal of the month is to schedule time for reflection and/or meditation a couple times a week. This has always been a to-do in my life and I’ve committed to it off and on but only for 2-day stints at a time. I’m taking advantage of my calendar this month and scheduling time. I’ve always thought of meditation as something you do right when you wake up in the morning to prepare yourself for an aware and peaceful day but it never happens because I wake up as late as possible. This is now scheduled a few times a week in the evenings. I have a few methods in my back pocket.. There are many different apps to choose from and I have a singing bowl I’d like to try out.

Lastly, I want to make fitness and/or movement of some kind a more consistent part of the week-to-week routine. I’d like to commit to 3 times per week (MWF) but I haven’t decided on that yet because my days are all over the place in terms of busy vs bored. My mom did have a suggestion though.. she has been talking herself into doing something right when she gets home. Before she sits down to eat dinner or watch TV, she does something. Dishes, laundry, exercise.. Because when she sits down, it’s usually for the evening. Same with me. So that’ll be part of the goal for sure. I have an entire apartment to pack up so perhaps it’ll be to pack 1 or 2 boxes right when I come home.

I also sort of have a standing desk at work. (Yes, I said that with an eyeroll because I should be grateful.) Everyone in the office got one recently but I didn’t because I already sit at a crank desk. It’s a nuisance to crank all the way up and is an inconvenience to the things on my desk but I want to make a point of doing it. Everyone else has this easy grip thing and they can be standing in 5 seconds flat. Just because mine takes more effort doesn’t mean it needs to be an excuse. My goal is to stand at least once per day for 15 minutes. Although it’s only standing, it’s 100% better than sitting.

With those two additions in terms of movement alone, that goal will be successful but I do intend on adding actual activity too. I’ll keep you posted on the what, when and how that goes.

What goals have you set for the month of February or for the New Year? I’d love to hear what they are and how they’re going! Thank you for reading, we’ll talk soon!

January 2018 Recap

Happy February 3rd! It’s a snowy day out there but a pretty one. One where I’m glad my plans all consist of staying inside and don’t involve a venture into the cold tundra that I’ll likely always live.

As promised, I’m here to give you an update on January 2018, good or bad. Lets start with the good news so you don’t have to skim looking for it when you realize this is more then 2 full iPhone pages long, ha! I’m down an official 14.4 pounds for the month of January. BOOM! GO ME!!!!!!! YAAAAAS, QUEEN!!!! And all the other colloquials I’m forgetting.

The reason this is extra exciting is because I had an extremely trying health month and the majority of that 14.4 pounds was effective today. (I weigh in on Saturdays and consider this the last “Saturday” of January). The first couple weeks of the year, I had a bum knee. It’s around 90% now which means I’m good on movement but it restricted me. Like, literally. I didn’t do anything for a few weeks. The day my knee started feeling better, I got slammed with a head cold, no voice, can’t breathe thing. That lasted 10+ days and I’m still hanging out with the nasty cough it came with. Because that wasn’t enough, I had some kind of wonky stomach bug for 2 days earlier this week. Remember that “GO ME!” from earlier? Part of it was because I survived the damn month.

Added to the ailments that I tried not to throw a pity party for every other day, I had a couple of emotionally trying bouts throughout the month, the most serious was on Tuesday. I won’t dive into the details here but I felt it was necessary to mention because mental health is just as vital to overall health as food or fitness.

Two questions I would have if I were me reading this blog would be.. 1: How did you lose 14.4 pounds in a month? AND 2. Where’s the update on the January goals you promised via title of this blog post?

  1. Not by magic and not sticking to “it” as diligently as you might think. Each week of the month I was either up by 1.2 (give or take a tenth of a point), stayed the same or was down by 1.8 (give or take a tenth of a point). So basically stayed the same weight by all means of anyone that has ever needed to lose weight. Last weekend, I had stayed exactly the same but overall I was down 4.4 pounds which I was more annoyed with than anything. I’ve had some serious changes in my life and part of the medicine to cure those changes is to get healthy. Only 4.4 pounds in the resolution month? That wasn’t going to be good enough for me. As I drove home from my parents house last Sunday, I thought up all the ways I could improve that number by month end. And what I decided on was to just fucking try harder. I have been trying. I’ve been getting bananas and clementines in nearly every day. I’ve cut down on eating out (I’ll get to that later), and I’ve tried to make good choices for lunches and suppers. My exercise has been hit and miss (remember the 2 weeks and the knee?). But I needed to try harder. So this week, I did just that. I exercised 4 times this week. I drank almost all of the designated water I set as a goal and I ate when I was hungry. This is what was new for me.. Shit this post is going to be long.
    • Monday was an idyllic food/fitness/water day. All the meals and all the snacks and all the water and all within my calorie goal.
    • Tuesday was the bad emotional day I mentioned earlier. Honestly, I only at a banana and crackers that day. I wasn’t hungry at all. I only ate the banana because I hate when bananas go bad and we all know buying fruit spoils a lot quicker as an adult then when your parents bought it growing up. And I only ate the crackers because my mom said I should have more then just a banana in a day.
    • Wednesday, I was swamped at work. I worked until 5 and then worked on project until 8. After that, I met up with a few friends to visit. This meant that supper or the thought of food wasn’t really on my mind. No biggie though because I wasn’t that hungry.
    • Thursday and Friday were both similar days. Busy in the AM and busy in the PM. I ate throughout, even had 2 pieces of pizza on Thursday but I also only had a salad for dinner and snacked on mini-bagels for supper last night.
    • I do acknowledge that having a slight touch of the stomach bug on Monday evening into Tuesday had an impact on what the scale said this morning but I also did have a much different relationship to food and exercise this week than I had the rest of the month. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was both surprised and not that the scale read 10 pounds lighter than last weekend. Because I tried harder.
  2. As you’ll recall I had 3 goals for the month. To pick a bedtime and stick to it, to reduce eating out to 2 times per week and to drink 1/2 my body weight in ounces of water. How did I do you ask?
    • Bedtime: This is where I failed miserably. My mind won’t shut off. I did pretty okay for the first quarter of the month and a few days in between since then but I just can’t turn off. I’ve been reading nearly every night before bed trying to wind down from screen-time but I just toss and turn for hours and hours. Often times I elect to pick my phone back up and just surf Wikipedia or see what’s happening in the world. I’d rather be learning something then just tossing around all night. The solution to try and remedy this? I got my first order of essential oils this week. I still have to read through everything (I’ve never used them), but I hear lavender is the key to a sleep-full night.
    • Eating Out: I would consider this month a success in terms of cutting my eating out down. I ate out probably 2-3 times overall per week this month which is an improvement. Think double or triple times better than the recent months.
    • Water: I excelled in this department. Now, I do have to say.. 1/2 my body weight in my ounces is a lot. Like a lot a lot. I didn’t actually hit that goal at all this month but I did come dang near close and I can feel the effects of water on my body. Feeling hydrated is a great feeling. I hear it helps clear up skin and helps with digestion too. I can’t really comment on either of those because I didn’t pay close attention to that but just overall, drinking all my water does make me feel better.

I think I should try to start closing this recap..

Although this week alone seemed to be the deciding factor in the success of the month, I do want to fine tune “eating when I’m hungry” because I think it’s important to get all the necessary nutrients and calories required for a balanced lifestyle in each day. All of which didn’t happen this week or month. I feel good overall. I think making sure I got 2 fruits in a day, exercising and drinking all my water helped tremendously but I had very little “greens” this week and come to think of it absolutely no meat. #proteinequalspower

Thank you beyond words to the incredible support I have in my life though for helping me through all the obstacles this month notably my mom, Julie and my aunt, Krissy. I know you are likely my faithful 2 (followers) but you both really have helped me persevere in more ways then one the last 31 days.

January 2018

Welcome back, us! It’s been a very long time since I’ve graced the WordPress-world-wide-web blank slate, empty and open white box of nothing waiting for my fingers to start typing. I have a lot to say but at the same time, no words to say what I have to say. Either way, it’s far too long for this post.

I hope to, in the coming weeks or month update my blog to fill you in on all my fitness and health happenings, goals, etc.. of my life. Spoiler alert, it hasn’t been too drastic. Key word there is “hasn’t” BUT with the New Year comes new motivation and new possibilities for a happier and healthier life physically and emotionally.

I have debated whether to post on any platform for some time now. Not even just here either, my non-health oriented platforms have been mostly dormant as well. I had told myself I wasn’t going to post a single thing until I had made some progress in my journey (Ex. 25 pounds down or something wild like that) but alas, that hasn’t happened because my magic fairy wand is broken.

At the absolute least, I’ll be posting my monthly goals here in the form of a cutesy graphic and some ramblings from yours truly. I began the goals you see at the top of this post at the beginning of the year and have been doing better than average so for a boost of motivation, I decided to make them public to you few beautiful souls who see this.

They may seem simple but they aren’t for me. And there are far more “things” I’m trying to do this month then are condensed down on my short list of three but I’m doing my best not to set myself up for failure. So, although I’ve been logging into MFP, weighing in, and have been partaking in some physical activity; none of that is regular or a top priority in comparison the three goals I’ve listed.

In short, this is what I can promise,: that I’ll be posting monthly goals and giving you a recap on how they go towards month end. What I can’t promise, but would like to do, is to post more regularly.. Share weight and status updates, “before” photos, food shots, etc. We’ll see. But baby steps are the mode I’m in for the time being. We’ll talk soon, internet people!

June 2017

I got the idea of making and posting my goals from a fellow weigh-loss, body-posi woman that I’ve been following on my personal insta account. I haven’t told her how inspiring she is to me yet because I haven’t made any progress of my own but she’s the reason I started sharing my own journey instagram. She’s been so motivating and has overcame so many hurdles already. It moves me to see her progress. I hope I’ll be able to tell her that one day.

This month, I’m taking a step back and starting at the roots of who I am and I what I need. Although I would love to find a “get skinny quick” route and drop the weight in a flash, I know that I will never be successful if I don’t make changes. I can’t drink a shake everyday for the rest of my life. I can’t buy Jenny Craig meals everyday forever. I can’t count calories until the day I die. I guess technically, I can but I don’t want to. I want to make real lifestyle changes and if that means starting at the very bottom with the basics, that’s what I’ll try.

I think that is why I’ve been struggling starting something this time around (the last 3 months) because I know that I’m not healthy on any level. I go to bed past midnight most nights, rarely eat breakfast. My personal hygiene is embarassingly falling to the side because I hate being stuck with myself in a bathroom where the giant mirror is unavoidable. I haven’t been following my passions of writing or photography. I’m losing myself. Since I started this, I’ve been fat shaming myself so badly, it’s unbearable. I’ve never been a self-love person. I’ve love my life, my mind, my humor.. and I love the people in my life but I’ve never loved or been comfortable with myself.. with my shell.

So that’s where I’m starting. I’m starting with goals that are attainable and goals that will make me a better person.. The person I am on the inside. I’m zen. I smell beautiful. I wake up early enough for breakfast. I’m flexible. I’m a writer.

Tomorrow’s A New Day

It’s been nearly a month since I posted on here (slash) used Instagram. Day-am. It was on purpose but not on purpose for good. I couldn’t get my shit together enough to make improvements on my health so I did what I do best – ignore it. I found myself too close to posting something that wasn’t true. Posting a picture of fruit or a pretty sunset pretending I was eating well and getting exercise while secretly having a bowl of ice cream. Because of that game of chicken with myself, I decided to put the phone down. I wish I came bearing wonderful news but I have not.

While “ignoring” it all for about a month, I officially reached my highest ever weight. Highest. Ever. And unless you’re a growing child or a recovering anorexic, it’s nothing to brag about. It makes me mad mostly. Grossed out and mad. Embarrassed and mad. Ashamed and mad.

I didn’t start this (again) with the promise of promises. I only make promises I know I can keep and I’ve never gotten to the level of healthy where I can make anyone, especially myself, a promise.

Anyway, segue to the next thing..

I’m back and logged in. I bought groceries (all the good foods) bright and sunshiny early this morning. I had Taco Bell for breakfast, a chicken salad sandwich for lunch, 3 candy bars, and we’re about to have brats and chips for supper. I didn’t start over today, obviously. But I intend to tomorrow. My brain works in the way that I need one last hurrah in order to be a success.

Last Saturday is when I hit my highest point ever. 2 pounds shy of the worst number imaginable and nearly an entire person heavier than my fiancè. I’ve never cried when stepping on the scale until last Saturday.. I need help and I don’t know how to get it or how to do it. I feel like I’ve said this a million times but I know what I need to do. I know what foods to eat and what exercises to do. I know how to portion and I know how to menu plan. I know how to get a restful nights sleep and to drink all my water.

Why does nothing ever stick with me then? I’m smart, I’m dedicated in my work, I have a wonderful family and life. But every single thing I hate about my life is literally a revolving door around one phrase, my weight. Everything I’ve missed out on or haven’t tried or haven’t done or haven’t experienced. Every time I’ve ever made an excuse not to do this or that or was too afraid or some of other bullshit line is because of my weight. Every. Single. Thing.

I’ve tried Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig. I’ve tried using Thrive and I’ve tried weighing in on a regular basis with friends. I haven’t been able to really lose weight since I was doing Jenny Craig regularly with my mom a couple of years ago. Even though the reason I stopped was because I moved away, I had already began drifting away from it before then. I haven’t tried Weight Watchers in years but I don’t know if it’d help to try it again? Weekly coach sessions or mini-powwows don’t really do it for me. Weekly weigh-ins don’t get me excited or motivated. At this point, honestly, I think a part of me feels like it’s all a lost cause. The weight isn’t going to melt off no matter how rigorously I push myself. Not that I have proof of that because I’ve never pushed myself hard enough but I’ve watched enough fat-camp episodes to know it’s a long and difficult road.

That whole paragraph is just annoying. The common answer or issue or denominator is all the same – it’s me. I need to want it enough. I need to need it enough. I need to try harder. But why can’t I? I have plenty of things in my life that should motivate me. I’m going on an airplane for the 1st time in 2 weeks. How the fuck is that going to work? Am I literally going to fit into the seat? Will I need a seatbelt extension? How embarrassed am I going to feel in front of my friend and co-worker?

I have a family reunion/vacation coming up this summer at the lake. Lake = Swimming. Actually for that matter all summer = lake = swimming. I don’t even own a swimming suit. For my entire adult life I just have worn a shape-wear shirt thing and a pair of shorts.

What else? I’m planning our wedding. I don’t want to look like a rolling hippopotamus in a white dress walking down the aisle. I don’t want to get winded dancing the night away. I don’t want to feel envious of other new brides while sitting beach side on our honeymoon. I want children. I want to ski downhill and go on a roller-coaster. I want to sit in a booth at the HoDo. (Even though I hate the HoDo but I was just there Friday and literally had to say “I don’t fit, we need to sit somewhere else.” O.M.G.)

So, any tips? Thoughts? Advice? I might be annoyed at whatever you have to say or even don’t believe you because I promise you, you’ve never been as heavy as I have. But I’ll read it and I hope that it’ll register with me just the right way.

P.S. The purpose of this post is to let you know I’ve chosen to get back in the game for the 2,017th time. I prepped all the veggies and fruits I bought this morning. I made a rough outline of our meals this week and I’ve given my fiancé the tough job of making me go on at least 3 walks before next weekend. As of right now.. 6:23 PM, I’m going to try again. So, I need you out there, whoever you are, but I don’t know how I need you yet.

Today’s Guessing Game Adventure

First, I’d like to start off by thanking everyone that commented and messaged me in regards to my last post. Although it’s a shitty thing that people can relate to, it does bring a great deal of hope knowing that others have overcome the rolling hills of obesity.

If you’ve been following along, you know that last week (which was only week 2) was extremely difficult for me. I didn’t exercise, I ate out too much, gained weight and threw a pity party. Imagine what I could do if I tried, huh?

This week though, I’m starting off on the left foot (because I’m left handed).. I went grocery shopping yesterday and told my brain AND my body to work in my favor this week. My fiancé, Channing, even gave me a piece of advice after listening to me whine about my troubles the last 7 days. He told me that I need to take my time. And that my body probably doesn’t like being deprived of everything it loves so suddenly. That I shouldn’t start off with a goal of 1700 calories when my body is used to 2500+ a day. He told me that I should allow myself a “treat” as a reward at the end of the day because I’m used to eating 2 or 3 candy bars.. “Stopping cold turkey might work for some people but it doesn’t work for you..”

Duh. All of that is everything I try to tell myself and never follow through on. Channing telling me this, for some reason, opened an insightful door that I didn’t know was closed. Are you wondering where his great and wise never-been-fat advice came from? Quitting tobacco. He’s tried time and time again to just quit but it never works. So over the last couple of weeks, he’s been “allowing” himself just a little bit less then usual. It’s wild how two addictions so different from one another can use the same tactics for success.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with the purpose of today’s post. HA!

Today’s guessing game adventure.. I packed my lunch today among other good-for-me foods to eat throughout the day. BUT a gal at work offered to buy everyone lunch. And I am not going to say no to free food. I’m not crazy. They decided to order from Drunken Noodle/Wasabi. There is literally only 1 thing on the menu that I will eat and it’s Mac N’ Cheese. Hilarious, you say? I know. I was like, shoot. Do I say “no thank you?” This is free food. I could use what I brought for lunch for another day thus spreading my purchase of food out an extra day. #SaveMoMoney  Do I have the will-power to only eat half?

I decided to order the mac n’ cheese with the intention of only eating half. Drunken Noodle is a local restaurant so they don’t have a handy dandy nutritional factoid sheet available. I’ve had to make kind-of guesstimates before but this was going to be a tough one. I thought I’d FB message the restaurant which is a pretty big deal to me. Old me otherwise known as last week me would have been like “screw it, you can start again tomorrow.” Not this time. Fooled you, self! You can see in the featured image of this post what Drunken Noodle had to say about the calorie count on their pasta. No help there, damn them!

The mac n’ cheese is semi-comparable to Noodles & Company so I decided to use them as a reference point. I elected to plug into MFP a “small bowl” of Noodles & Company Mac N’ Cheese. In the details highlighted it noted that 1.5 cups = small bowl. Drunken Noodles Mac N’ Cheese is roughly 2 full cups of pasta and since I was only eating half of that, I feel semi-okay about MFP substitution. Based off of Drunken Noodles FB message back to me, I have no idea if I’m way off or if I’m kind-of there but what does count in this rambling story is that I did only eat half of the entree. I divided it up right when it got here and put the other half in the fridge to bring home to Channing for his pre-supper meal. Or 2nd lunch. Or 1st lunch because who am I kidding, he doesn’t ever have time for lunch.

That is all.

Suicide Weight.

Suicide weight. Have you ever used this term? I have. Never aloud (until today), but I have. I should premiss by saying that I’m not and have never been suicidal. I don’t know if it’s how I was raised or the religion I was bought up in or the control I have on my mind or what.. but it’s never been a thing to me. I’ve had lows and I’ve had periods of doubts but in no world is contemplating committing suicide ever been something to realistically consider.

And I also want to say that anything I may say going forward in this post has nothing to do with whatever stereotype you think I’m associating suicide with. If suicide and the free language I associate with it following this sentence are going to be an issue for you, then I advise you stop reading. I know suicide is serious and in no way do I mean to take away from those we’ve lost to such a tragedy.

There have been so many times throughout my life where I’d rather be die than deal with the humiliation of this or that. The fall of 5th grade specifically is the first time I literally thought I’d rather be dead in a hole with worms and bugs surrounding my corpse then put on my swimming suit over my underwear. I had my period and I didn’t do tampons.

There was also a series of times I wanted to crawl in the lonely hole I was living in following being the new kid in the middle of a semester in 9th grade. If ever there were a worse time to be the new kid on the block, let me know.

I remember being mortified when a kid in the class above me asked if I was a lesbian because I had a rainbow on my bracelet and I “look like one.” To this day, the only thing I can think of for his reasoning was because I was heavy. Obviously lesbians are not universally fat but this was the reasoning I had when I was 15.

I remember wishing I’d sink into the ground and suffer a slow quiet death when I sat on a chair in Nutrition class the 2nd year of college and it broke instantly. I was so stiff with fear wishing my heartbeat racing and the anxiety that followed would have been clear signs of a heart attack.

I remember stepping on the scale less than 30 days ago and seeing that I was 8 pounds shy from 400 and wondering where the cut-off would be before I slit my wrists and thighs in the bathroom at work. How far would I let myself go?

Today I was reminded of this recurring half-thought of suicide when a co-worker was contemplating eating a piece of banana bread but decided not to because she’s “dangerously close to suicide weight.”

Let that sink in.

I know you don’t know this woman but I love her dearly. She’s one of my favorite people that I work with. She’s a mom to 1 handsome little kiddo and she’s smarter than I’ll ever be. She’s beautiful and she’s kind. She (in her mind) is overweight I suppose. To me, she’s healthy. She doesn’t have a double chin, her boobs are bigger than her stomach, her fingers don’t absorb her wedding ring. She is fine.

But she had the willpower not to take a piece of banana bread because she hadn’t stepped on a scale in so long that she fears she’s nearing suicide weight. Can you believe it? I know the saying.. don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes but whoever you are saying that can shove a big one.

I’m sure she doesn’t know I heard her nor do I care. I don’t want people to be sensitive around me or be careful of what they say because I’m fat but this struck a nerve. I wanted to stand up and punch her square in the face. She has no idea what it’s like to be fat. Carrying around lingering baby weight 3 years after birth is not the same as what I’m carrying around. She received the gift of motherhood from her weight.

Although she said it in a completely figurative sense, what is her suicide weight? What is mine? Have people whom I know or don’t know seen me and thought to themselves.. “If I ever get that fat, kill me.”? Think about it. Have they?

They have. Because I have.

I’ve seen people.. Grotesque, gigantic people. In public and restaurants and stores. Stomachs stretching beyond the fabric of their shirts.. wobbly walking like a duck.. weighing down a scooter at Wal-Mart.. I’ve seen huge people and I’ve said that very thing to myself: Do not get like that. Do not get that big. Please, kill yourself before you get that big.

I think I suppress a lot of my feelings surrounding my weight because of this literal realization.. I don’t want to think about how big I am because I AM already. I am that huge. It’s a magical set of finely tuned movements that make sure my clothes stay in place.  I’m sweating and sticky and feel gross under my worn out body shaper, I haven’t worn jeans in over 3 years, my front butt is bigger then my real butt..

When I see photos of myself that I wasn’t in charge of taking, I want to vomit. I legit want to shove my hand so far down my throat so that I can puke all of my fat up. I want to get into a car accident on my way home and die. I want to fall in the bathtub, hit my head and never wake up.. I push these “feelings” of self-hatred and disgust down as far as they can go because I don’t want to think about how big I am.. Because I’m there. I am at my suicide weight. I’m there, guys. I can’t get any bigger. I can’t.

Follow more of my journey on my Instagram page where I post regular happenings, weekly weigh-ins, and daily struggles @iatemylife89. (This is a private Insta account so depending on who you are, I may or may not accept your request to follow. In other words.. If you are a co-worker, long lost friend, or someone I kind of know.. you’ll have to wait until I’ve lost any weight for me to feel comfortable enough to share the worst thing about myself. #sorrynotsorry)

I’m Baaaaaaaack!

I was surprised to find out that it’s been less then a year since I last posted but at the very same time, I created this blog in 20-15 which seems an eternity ago. But here I am, back at it again with the white vans.. as Daniel’s friend would say.

I’ve been tempted to go back and re-read everything I’d written up to April 20-16 but I decided to opt out of that mess of carefully constructed but still hidden persona that I’d put forth. Everything written has always been full of honesty but even in the most rare of moments, I wasn’t completely as raw and open as I’m finding might be necessary for me to cope and move forward in a positive direction mentally and physically.

What do you mean, you ask? Well.. Weight is what I mean. I’m obviously obese, it’s not a secret or a surprise. But to me, I’ve never ever been able to say aloud what I weigh. I’m more ashamed, I think, then anything. Ashamed and in shock. I don’t feel like I’m nearing the 400 pound mark..

Do you know how many times I backspaced that number wondering how I could address the topic differently instead of literally writing it? How I questioned leaving it on my private Instagram account instead and revealing it 2 years down the road WHEN I lose the weight? How many times over the last year that I was like.. the scale is wrong. I don’t LOOK that heavy.

But I do.

And I am.

I don’t mean to sound dramatic as I write this but my eyes really are full of tears. My hands really are shaking as I type. My stomach really does hurt. Do you know how gut-wrenchingly uncomfortable I feel knowing how much I weigh? How much my heart hurts knowing that I did this to myself? Realizing how much I’ve missed out on life because of my own damn doing?

After a lot of reflection lately, I’m certain this is the reason I keep gaining. I’ve never been able to admit my biggest flaw to myself.. which is myself. I love so many aspects of who I am but I’ve never ever in the history of my life loved myself. Isn’t that pathetic?

I started this blog as a tool in my box of wonders.. To be a motivational element for others and to be a live-action proof in the pudding to myself. But I haven’t used it as such. What I’m here today to tell you isn’t that I promise to log in everyday or keep you updated on the most recent exercise fad I haven’t tried. I’m here today to tell you (or rather I) that I’m ready to be real with my emotions surrounding my weight.

I don’t know what it’ll become and to be quite honest, this blog is more for me than it’ll be for you. At least for now. Some of it might be complaint after complaint about what I see or who I see or how I see, rather. Some of it might be self-body shame. I pray to God on the highest level that this blog becomes a message of self-love and body-positivity. I hope that I can feel as beautiful on the outside as I know my heart is on the inside. I hope that I can learn to stop judging people on their flaws hoping they have one worse then mine..

If you’re still reading, I want to let you know that I plan to primarily post more regularly on my private Instagram account @iatemylife89. If you find your way there, you can request to follow me and I will probably accept. The main reason it’s private is to deter rando’s (extended family, co-workers, old classmates) to creep on me when I’m not ready to be creeped on. It might be counterproductive but I need to prove to myself that I can make real progress before I legit go totally public with my story. On Instagram, you’ll find more photos of me, what I ate, my current weight, day to day stuff. The content will differ from this blog as I hope to update that much more regularly. It’s much more readily available and easier to use then pulling up WordPress to jabber on for a day and a half. Who knows.. maybe this will be my only post on here for awhile but either way I want you to know that I am still trying and I want to share with you (and me) how I’m trying because it’s important.

Oh, and.. if I get super duper real with you to the point that I’m not comfortable making a post public, I’ll post the password to such post on my Instagram page.

That is all. Thank you.

The weekend derailed my progress.

I have fantastic news and I have frustrating news. I just got home about 30 minutes ago from a weekend away in Minneapolis. We left right after work on Friday. I’m sorry to report that I didn’t have a very good food weekend. It’s as if all the progress I’ve made over the last 3 weeks went out the window like they never even happened.

That’s not all.. I had plugged my fitbit in on Friday morning so that the sucker would be fully charged for a weekend of walking around everywhere. Guess who left that bad boy at home? Me. I was so pumped too. I knew we’d have to walk to the comedy show we went to on Friday evening. We went to the Mall of America for God knows how many hours. This weekend we gleefully ran down and then had to hike back up the steps at Minnehaha Falls. We walked our little tushies off. But none of it was tracked. #teardroponmyguitar Seriously, I was so disappointed when I realized I had forgotten it at home. This weekend was the most activity I’ve gotten in over a year and a half and that is no joke.

I am so proud of myself though. This weekend I bought a pair of tennis shoes. Nothing fancy, just from Payless but I wore them everywhere even though they are seafoam green and didn’t match any of the clothes I was wearing. I didn’t want to have to stop because my feet hurt and we didn’t have to!

One thing I did notice though were my eating habits. If you’ll recall, over the last few weeks I’ve been cutting out pop and candy, cutting out fast food, cutting out gas station junk. Not completely, but cutting it significantly. Although, I can tell you that I haven’t had a fruit since Thursday, I didn’t once finish my meal anywhere we went this weekend which is unusual. We ate at Chili’s, Charley’s Philly Steaks, and a pasta place in the mall. Not once did I finish my food. I can say without a doubt that I went over calories everyday (P.S. I didn’t track) but I didn’t eat everything in site like I would have in the past.

I have a feeling that this week is going to be a tough one. I can tell you already that I won’t be starting anything new this week rather staying on Step 3 which is to gain hold of the slips I’ve had over the weekend and try my damn hardest not to let it control my entire week.

How do you talk yourself into not throwing it totally out the window when you get out of town for a few days?

Step 3: Slow & Steady Wins The Race

This last week I decided to take it down a notch. I wanted to “continue” on but I didn’t feel entirely comfortable committing to something new or adding/cutting out something completely. I’m still trying to get comfortable with the fact that for the rest of my life, I’m going to have to fight for my health.

Eating breakfast everyday isn’t easy. Sometimes I eat my breakfast at 8:10 when I get to work and sometimes I don’t get it in until 10:00 because I’m so busy. Cutting my eating out in half has actually been the most obvious change for me and the least difficult. While it is easier to run up town or grab something after work instead of coming home and making something for supper, I’ve actually been excited to come home and make something. We are still going out to dinner 3-4 times weekly which still seems excessive to some but considering that I haven’t been up town or down to the employee “grocery store” for 2 ½ weeks is a remarkable feat for me.

I’ve been doing so-so on cutting out pop. Well actually, I’ve probably been doing damn good. The only time I’ve had Mountain Dew the last few weeks is on a weekend restaurant outing. But I would like to zero in on that more.

So what did I do this last week?
For the week in question, I’m going to focus on Sunday – Thursday. This week, I basically continued on from steps 1 and 2 but focused more on an agenda and planning my days out. I made a very conscious effort to eat my breakfast before 8:30 in the morning. I also did my best to get more water in. I didn’t reach half my bodyweight in ounces on any of the days but I did get about 80% of the way there each day this last week. Over 150 ounces is a hard goal to reach.

I also started walking each day on my lunch break. This is something that I’ve never in all my life, done. A gal from work asked if I wanted to go on a walk the week prior so we did. She showed me this awesome skywalk downtown less than a block away from work. A place that I can walk indoors and is totally accessible? Now I literally have no excuse not to get activity in. Monday through Thursday this week, I continued walking. I’ve only been getting about 18-23 minutes in each day due in part that I only have a 30 minute lunch break. I’d like to elaborate on walking in a future post. I promise to do so shortly.

Another thing that has helped me the last few weeks that I haven’t mentioned is my mom and I have given each other small but doable challenges. A couple weeks ago she challenged me to do yoga stretches and I challenged her to go for a mile walk or take the stairs down at work. We accept each other’s challenges as well as do them ourselves. We’ve done this in the past and it gives us a bit of pip in our step. Knowing that someone else is counting on you to do something is a motivator. Thanks, mom. ❤

So, in short.. This week has been about tightening up the reigns. Eating my breakfast by a certain time, making a point of staying hydrated, setting goals to get my steps in and exceed from the day prior if at all possible.

How have the last few weeks gone for you? I’d like to hear what you’re doing. What works, what doesn’t work?

Step 2: Track, Track, Track It Up!

I’m a little behind on getting all of my thoughts jotted down. I think about them and think about them and then pretty soon it’s Tuesday, not Sunday. Mreh.

But, I’m still kicking it! It’s only been two weeks (two steps) you say? That’s a big deal in my book. To refresh us all, let’s go over what STEP 1 consisted of:

  1. Eat breakfast er’day for obvious reasons of alertness and starting the day on the right food. I mean foot. This was just to eat breakfast. I didn’t focus on super healthy or super unhealthy. I. Just. Had. Breakfast.
  2. Cut eating out in HALF because you can easily cut your calories down by doing this especially if you’re me. This included twice daily pit stops at the convenience store, Taco John’s drive-thru binge moments, ect. AND by doing this you add mo’ money to your wallet.
  3. Anything but pop because pop is bad. Excess sugar is bad. Dehydration is bad. These statements are all especially true for regular pop. I’m not a diet pop drinker so if this doesn’t apply, I guess you can ignore? But let’s cut back on the pop anyway, even if it’s “diet.”

Keeping those three things top of mind and continuing to improve upon them, I only really added one thing to the new step and that is…tracking.

Tracking? Ugh.
I hear you but listen.. Back in the day before smart devices were a thing, we all remember buying some kind of handy, super awesome planner or notebook to write everything we ate down in. I was a huge fan of the Weight Watchers journal when I was somewhere between 4th and 6th grade. The years of fatness often blur my memory on when I tried what but it was in that time frame.

The days of old are now gone. Some programs like Jenny Craig still do something similar to this and it does work. Tracking works. We all know it does. It’s some kind of weird brain game we allow ourselves to fall into.

What and how do I track?
Apps, obvs. These are what work for me but if you have better suggestions, let’s hear it! I’m always looking to find the best possible app for me. Here’s what I’m using:

  • Water Drink Reminder: This is probably the simplest app on my phone. Once you finish drinking something, add that drink to your dashboard. I have a few different glasses. 24 oz for my work cup, 16.9 oz for our water bottles at home, 20 oz for sit down restaurants. You can customize all of these. I have my water “goal” set up to be half my bodyweight in ounces. For example, if I weighed 200 pounds (I wish!), my goal would be to drink 100 ounces. I personally am only tracking water on this app. I did read reviews where people simply track their fluid intake regardless of if it’s water, coffee, tea, pop, ect. Ultimately it is up to you but hey, water is good!
  • Fitbit: I’ve had my Fitbit and app for over a year but threw it in the junk drawer a long time ago. That sucker has officially re-attached itself to my wrist. I personally don’t like things on my wrist. I wish I did but they are always so annoying and trackers like this aren’t exactly pretty. But being alive is prettier than being dead so I’m doing it. At this point, I’m not really “using” the app. It’s downloaded so I have a visual of my steps taken and my sleep measured. We’ll dig into this down the road.
  • MyFitnessPal: I’ve written about this app before. Click here to read more about it. Again, at this point I’m just using this app for tracking. I haven’t really tweeked anything and am just making sure to plug everything in that I eat. No. Matter. What.

Well, this post is getting long so I’ll try to sum up this next part.. I know I sound like a broken record but this week was about tracking only. I continued all of my step 1 tasks and just added tracking. I didn’t make a point to get all my water in. I didn’t make a point to walk all my steps or stay under my calories or get 8 hours of sleep. I just tracked.

Even though I didn’t purposely make an effort to make any additional changes, I found that I got more steps in because I was tracking. I was dumbfounded DUMBFOUNDED (yes, it needed to be repeated) to find out that I walked less the 2300 steps by 5:30 PM on a “regular work day.” That alone is probably the definition of sedentary. Reality check. Since then, I wanted to get more steps in. I took the long way to the bathroom, I took the stairs down instead of the elevator. I even went on a walk or two. On purpose!

I also found myself subconsciously choosing better food options. I opted for clementines instead of candy. I added a banana because I got cramps from walking. I made more of an effort to choose my lunches and suppers wisely because I didn’t want to feel bad at the end of the day if my calories were over. I didn’t plan out each meal and I didn’t plan to make better food choices but I guess ultimately, I did. Because I was tracking. #braingames

What is your take on tracking? What apps do you use? Are you able to be consistent and honest with yourself?

Step 1: Reevaluate and Improve

I have ended my first week of step 1! Before we get into it, I’m going to let you know now that starting today I have decided to move onto step 2. Note, that really I’ve been doing step 1 over and over and over off an on for months now. This week though, I went into it with the mindset that Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is a healthy lifestyle. I think that really helped me mentally. For so long I’ve always felt like I needed to make all these changes, all at once, right now. Nothing gradual.

Thinking back to all the programs I’ve ever done, it’s always like that. Do everything all at once. Don’t allow yourself to ease into it and feel good about it. Fast for a day, drink shakes, fast, drink shakes. Shock your body into a new program. Buy $150 worth of Jenny food and follow the program 100%. Here is the number of points you’re allowed, don’t go over.. Nothing is ever gradual. End rant.

So what did I do for step 1? Nothing scientific, that’s for sure. My motto for this first step is: Reevaluate what you’re currently doing and chose to make improvements to those choices. Keep in mind that step 1, I think, is going to be more of “each person is different” scenario. Maybe you have a drinking problem and you needed to cut back on the booze. Maybe it’s candy bars. Maybe it’s eating out. Maybe you’re doing pretty good food wise but you’ve literally been a couch potato surfing the boob tube. Don’t worry, I fall into all of those scenarios. Step 1 isn’t a fix all, more of a catch-all.

Here’s what my step 1 has looked like:

NOW: Eat breakfast everyday!
Ding ding ding ding! I know it’s cliche but I actually do feel better when I start my day out with breakfast. It helps me gain alertness a lot quicker than if I don’t. I’m not a coffee drinker so breakfast (of any kind) is the only wake-me-up I have. This week I had a blueberry bagel with natural peanut butter err’day.

THEN: What’s breakfast?
In the spurts where I don’t give a crud about my health, breakfast doesn’t exist unless it’s in the form of a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich or a heaping pile of pancakes at Perkins.

NOW: Cut eating out in HALF!
This week, we’ve eaten out 4ish times. Thursday for supper because I have this annoying thought bulb in my head that I should indulge after weigh in. Friday for lunch because I ran out of TV dinners at home. And Saturday for lunch and supper because we were out-of-town. So basically meals after weigh in. This was more of a coincidence then my usual on-purpose frame of mind. Let me explain..

THEN: My checkbook was zeroed out.
My goal was to cut eating out in half. For me, this meant any kind of eating out. Restaurants, drive-thru, vending machines, gas station food, ect. Pre-step 1, I ate out 11-16 times a week EASY. Mostly because it is easier to just grab something quick then prepping and also because a burger at 5 Guys is legit way better than any burger I’ll ever make at home. This was a good week for me because not only did I cut my eating out in half but almost a third of the weeks prior. I should note, that this week wasn’t about planning. I consciously just chose to bring the TV dinners or left overs to work instead of pretending they weren’t there. This also meant that I cooked dinner even though I didn’t get home until after 8:30 most nights. Easier to eat out? Sure. Better for you? Nah.

NOW: Anything but pop!
I drank my water this week. I didn’t count my water, I just drank my water. I also tried some V8 VFusion Energy drinks which are actually pretty delicious. They’re only 50 calories and claim to give you a natural boost. I was really craving pop towards the end of the week. I had a sip… I mean gulp of Channing’s at lunch on Saturday but that was it.

THEN: Dehydrated.
I’m usually a water OR pop kind of gal. All water or all pop. No happy medium. And I don’t drink diet, low cal, or zero pop; I drink plain ol’ rotten for your teeth Mountain Dew. It was tough and I’m sure I’ll still allow myself a Dew every now and then but I need to continue to focus on my water.

What didn’t I do in step 1? Loads of stuff. I didn’t meal prep. I didn’t eat my fruits and veggies. Well, I ate some because I was cooking at home but I didn’t make a conscious effort to get a certain amount in. I didn’t exercise. I didn’t keep track of my junk food intake. I didn’t make sure to drink half my body-weight in ounces of water. I didn’t chose healthy choices on the 4ish times I did eat out. I didn’t have Smart Ones everyday for my work lunches, I didn’t make balanced meals for suppers.

This week I still had pizza, I still had candy, I still had too much to eat. I still didn’t go for a walk, I still watched more TV than I should. I still munched on chips at my 2nd job. I have a long way to go but I feel so great after step 1/week 1. As mentioned at the top of this post, I’ve started step 2 now. If you’re following along, stay on step 1 as long as you need. If you totally “ruin” your week and soda pop it all night long, you’re good. Step 1 is meant to help you find the reigns to your health, not how to use them. No one is perfect.
Note that going into step 2 means I will continue using all of the NOW’s that I began implementing in step 1 and carry them over. Step 2 and every step going forward is going to be an addition to the steps prior.

Happy Sunday and thanks for being so cool. 🙂

Pre-Step 1: I’m Honestly Surprised I’m Still Alive

No breakfast, if I have breakfast it is junk breakfast like Casey’s breakfast pizza for example. My days consist of and revolve around food. I can’t think without it. Like a drug, you know. My lunches are either Subway, McDonalds or Petro Serve Hot Stuff, king size candy bar, potato salad, and a Mountain Dew. I snack throughout the day but nothing healthy; candy, chips, chuck-wagons, or whatever is around.

No fruits. No veggies. Pop instead of water. Protein what? I’ve always either given it my all or threw it all out the window. This is the classic case of same story, different day. I’m tired of writing about it and I’m sure whoever is reading is tired of reading it.

The great part about this mental deficiency of mine is that every now and then I get a wild hair up my ass to start anew. Sometimes it’s the same thing as before, sometimes it’s a program I’ve never tried. So here we are again. Starting over. I’m not going to do anything radical but my presentation of it will hopefully be fool proof (like I’ve never said that before).

Here it goes.. I’m going to have steps, I’ll share each step AFTER I’ve successfully completed it. If I ever “fall off” the wagon, I’ll start over at step 1 or backtrack to a week that I know I can succeed in. Each step is going to be a week long of “changes.” This could mean adding something, getting rid of something, evolving, whatever.. Moving towards a better, healthier life. It’s always better to move up then not at all, right?

I’ll repeat, if I ever “fall off” the wagon, I’ll start over at step 1. Or if I don’t feel that I have a handle on whatever step I’m on, I’ll stay on that step until I feel comfortable moving on to the next step. I’m in the midst of week 1 so I’ll be sharing what step 1 consists of on Sunday as the first week will have been completed. I’ll let you know at that time if I’ll need to continue on step 1 for another week or if I feel comfortable moving to step 2.

Want to know the best part? I don’t even know what the steps are until I get to them. I’m making it up along the way because this “plan” is for me and I’m catering it to what I know I can or can’t handle mentally and physically. Nothing, ever.. has stuck with me long term. It’s either too expensive, too invasive, too green, too something. I plan on taking bits and pieces of programs and things I’ve tried over the years and applying it to what will hopefully work for me.

Attempt number 263 is worth it because being alive is worth it.

Gross, back to square 1.

That’s how I’ve felt for a constant three weeks. Well, probably since the beginning of the year off and on to be H. The last time our little weigh-in group met was March 4th. If not then, it was the week prior. #lifegotintheway

Weird how when we started this in September that we were pumped and excited. We met weekly with no problems. We started that page on the Facebook. I started writing this blog, documenting my journey, created a corresponding Twitter; all that jazz.

But to no avail. I’m pretty much right where I started in September. I’ve been losing and then gaining and then losing and gaining. The same never ending cycle I’ve been in since I was a kid. I’ve not reached my highest ever (thank the Lord) but I’m darn close, I’ll tell you that and it’s disappointing.

We all hate excuses but I’m pulling that card. The last few months have been especially hard because I picked up a 2nd part time job, because we’re house hunting, and because I want to enjoy my life and the people I’m with. I’ll explain.

Excuse #1 – Two Jobs: I didn’t need it to survive but I wanted it to push ahead on a few things. I want travel money and I want funds available when we find our new home. I want to be able to buy new things like furniture and also have a safe fund in case some wack-a-doodle shingle falls out of place. I want to go on a big trip with my mom again this year and I want to go on some mini-getaways with my S.O. Job #2 ends promptly and about damn time on 4/17. I’ll be glad it’s over but I’ve actually enjoyed working there and plan to go back next year.

My schedule has been bananas. I work 3-5 days a week from right after job #1 (career job) to 8 or 9 o’clock at night. I don’t really get a break since it’s such a short duration of time and food is not recommended at the front desk. I tried many many times to bring a protein bar and a fruit but that’s not a satisfying supper. I find that I stuff a bunch of BBQ Lays chips in my mouth in the back when I can dip away for a bathroom break. Which isn’t healthy. And my water routine went out the window in January. We aren’t prevented from going to the bathroom, that’d be absurd but when everyone is busy and my only two responsibilities are to greet the clients and make sure no one steals confidential information or the money, you kind of need to be there. All. The. Time.

Excuse #2 – House Hunting: Well, when I’m not working, we’re looking at houses. Simple as that. It leads to not getting home until 7 or later and while we’re both already out, who wants to start making dinner so late? Might as well go out to eat? Dumb, I know.

Excuse #3 – Enjoying Life: Unfortunately, everything having to do with everything that comes to the little social life I have revolves around food or drinking. Last night for example, was a 5:01 at a bar. Just a bar and super salty popcorn. It was a clear instance were substitutions weren’t really an option. Seeing an old friend that lives out of town? Let’s grab dinner. And here’s the kicker.. If I’m going to go to a semi-decent restaurant in this town, I’m not ever going to pay $8, $9, $10 for a salad. I’m a lettuce and french only kind of gal so there’s no way EVER that I’ll fork out my hard earned money on something I’m going to poke around and pretend to enjoy. No, this doesn’t mean I have to go nuts and order a three course meal but everywhere you go there’s temptation. Of course, the biggest resolution for these two items is to limit yourself to 2 drinks (eyeroll) and get a to-go box right away to put half your food in.

This all circles back to my initial point. Excuses. I know they’re excuses, my brain totally comprehends that. It’s just a matter of talking myself into better situations and still trying even when it’s easier to grab a bag of chips when you’re busy or eat the whole delicious hot meal in front of you or just make friends and have drinks without counting or worrying about the calories.

The fat life sucks. It’s like a nosedive off a cliff that never has water to fall into and enjoy. You. Just. Keep. Falling.

I Got _____ On My Mind

I’ve totally been slacking on blogging and even posting on our Facebook page. Part of me really doesn’t feel guilty about that but part of me does. I think the main reason I’ve been avoiding this blog and the Facebook page is because I haven’t been doing well (health wise). I figure if I ignore it, everyone else will too. Right?

Fortunately, I have an amazing support system that actually gives a shit so the show must go on. With the inspiration of a few comments and posts on The Weight Is Over Facebook page, I’ve gotten a new burst of motivation (again). Here’s what’s on my mind:

Weighing In Daily:

My mom recently started the Prevent program through Blue Cross Blue Shield and the question about weighing in daily came up in FB conversation. She noted that part of the Prevent program is to weigh yourself daily.

I feel like over the years with everything I’ve ever tried, weighing daily was treated as some kind of voodoo. Like a self-sabotage system to set you up for failure. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I think the opposite is true.

Right now, I weigh in weekly on either Thursday or Friday. And from then until the next weigh in, it seems like each week is harder and harder to stay on track. By weighing daily, my mom pointed out, our decisions related to food, health, or exercise would (ideally) be more top of mind. By looking at that scale each day, you’ll have “just weighed in.”

With that being said, beginning tomorrow (2/15), I’m going to start weighing in daily through the end of the month with the hope that I will stay more focused on my goals during the week. I will weigh myself each morning after I wake up and use the bathroom and I’ll be in my jammies. I’m going to manually record these days rather than putting them on MFP. I will continue to weigh weekly with Krissy and Darla “officially” recording those weigh ins. I’ll fill you in the first week of March and we’ll go from there. (P.S. Mom, how is weighing in daily going for you? I’d like to hear an update on your thoughts now that you’ve been doing it for a week or two.)

Dream Outfit:

Krissy recently asked/brought up dream outfits. What would we wear if we could kill it on the runway and feel as confident as possible? I’ve been daydreaming about dream outfits since I was probably 10. No joke. I’ve never, ever (in my opinion) been able to pull anything off if you know what I mean. Because of my size, everything looks like shit on me. This isn’t a self-hate statement, it’s an honest one. Swimsuits are a bitch, leggings are social suicide, tunics are still too short as shirts, dresses look horrendous. Nothing works when you’re 3-4 times the size of a normal 26 year old women.

I can’t choose a “dream” outfit because almost everything I see is a dream for me. I know that I can wear anything I want and I kind of do I suppose but I can only wear what comes in my size. More times than not, I’m only wearing what I’m wearing because it fits, not because it’s my “style.”

If I could explain my dream style it would be something like: fun, carefree, 20-something cute. Think leggings, tunics, dresses, floppy sun hats, chunky sweaters. I just bought a too small sweater a couple weeks ago that I loved. I couldn’t pass up the deal. It’s not incredibly small but I need to lose at least 2 sizes before it will fit and just because it will fit, won’t mean that it’ll look as good on me as I wish it would.

Fargo Marathon:

 This one was just brought up today. The marathon is May 19-21. I’m not sure I understand the registration fees so that ultimately decides if I’ll join because fuck that if it’s more than $30 which seems a little ridiculous doesn’t it? To run? Or in my case walk, shuffle, jog..

Fees aside, this might be the short term goal that I NEED. No, I do not have any desire at all to run a marathon. Not at this point in my life anyway but if I sign up, it’s not an option to back out and it’s about 3 months away. If anyone else on our Facebook page is willing to also do it, I’m counting myself in. Lets do this.

My only two goals will be to finish the 5K and to pretty please not be last. The one and only time that I’ve ever been part of something like that was March of Dimes years ago. Not only were we the very last and just about dead but no one was even there to great us at the end. It was disappointing.

So, what’s on your mind? What are your dream outfits that you can’t fit into YET? Have you taken part in a 5K or 10K, what tips do you have for someone like me? What’s your take on weighing in daily? I’d love to hear what you think!

3 Weeks Worth of Lunches Under 300 Calories

Say what? Yep, you heard right. One of my zillion missions in life is to get healthy by still allowing myself comfort food. We need food to live, period. I mean we can go without for awhile but that’s stupid. And we can over-indulge which has been a horrible habit of mine for 20+ years. I know that my way will probably take longer than someone who is willing to live off of shakes for a year or willing to give up bacon but that’s not me and it’s never ever going to be realistic. I’m open to trying new things but I’m a super picky eater. If I know I’m not going to like it, I’m not even going to bother. Funny how gigantic I am for being so picky. #thanksbread

I’ve failed more times than I can count on the road to a healthy weight but one of the reasons (I think anyway) is because I restrict myself. I don’t allow chocolate or lunch out with co-workers or a hot cocoa or chips or a baked potato. Whenever I’ve committed to something, I cut out all that is bad and do great for 2 weeks to a month but I ultimately fall down the steps at church and break my glasses then have to start all over again. Twice. Yes, that really happened.

Anyway, what I’m getting at is.. The meals I made below were made because I thought they looked delicious. My only goal was for them to all be under 300 calories AND to have decent serving sizes. Servings that would actually fill me up, not a tasteless TV dinner the size of a hockey puck. In order to make the cut, I took my ingredient list and probably took twice as long in the grocery store than I needed. I took my time and looked at every possibility for each ingredient. I chose the lowest calorie, lowest fat, highest protein, highest fiber items I could find. Some I had to compromise on and some were the most expensive but I was willing to take the gamble.

All three meals below gave me a total of 17 servings. SEVENTEEN! That’s over 3 weeks worth of work lunches. These meals are super easy. I don’t think it’s worth taking the time to post all the details and not every grocery store will necessarily have the brands I bought. If you just take the time to find the best product nutrition wise, you’ll already be ahead of the game. Here are the super short version deets:

Meal 1: Spaghetti & Sauce (I found high protein, high fiber ‘sketti and used traditional Heart Smart Prego).
Meal 2: Chicken Bacon Alfredo Penne (Same high protein, high fiber brand only in penne plus cooked and diced chicken, topped with Savory Bacon Alfredo Prego)
Meal 3: Loaded Baked Potato Soup (I used this recipe but when shopping, searched for the lowest cal, lowest fat products)

There you go! All the above meals were decent portions and hit anywhere from 230-295 calories per serving. Not bad, not bad.

Loaded Baked Potato Soup

YUM! January is National Soup Month so we had a soup cook-off slash potluck thing at work. I found this recipe online and thought it looked both easy and good. Mine turned out to be more of a hot-dish and was much thicker than the video shows but it is DELICIOUS!

It’s not super health-oriented or anything but I think that I’m going to make another batch this weekend. I’m going to scope out and find low-fat, low-cal substitutes and portion them out for lunches. Preliminary numbers are looking at about 320 calories for a full cup. (This is based off of the brands I purchased. I was in a hurry so I bought the first thing I saw rather than looking for healthier substitutes for the cheeses, hash-browns, ect)

Stay tuned for an updated post with 3 dishes I’m preparing this weekend. I’m pre-planning meals for lunches thanks to an ingenious idea my aunt had. (Making lunch instead of buying lunch, who would have thought?!) It’ll include the nutrition info, ingredient lists, and savings compared to store bought TV dinners. I should be covered for 2-3 weeks!

What are you favorite homemade meals that you bring for lunch at work? I’d love to see some recipes to try!

New Dietary Guidelines

The U – S – of – A government released an update to the Dietary Guidelines. According to the article I read, they do this every five years or so. News to me. I’m still living in the world where the food pyramid exists. And Pluto. Actually I think they gave Pluto it’s planetary right back. Or maybe it’s a Dwarf Planet? I think.

So, one of the biggest things that these new guidelines outline is to cut the fuck back on sugar. Obviously. We know this already but sugar tastes so good and that’s why we’re the most obese nation in the world. How am I supposed to measure 12 teaspoons a day to stay under the 10% mark? “Hey little sugar, sugar..”

When you break it down, sugar is probably my 2nd worst enemy. My favorite foods are bread, potatoes, pasta, and chocolate which clearly makes carby/starchy food my kryptonite.

Anyway, there was some committee put together in determining the updated guidelines. However, it appears that all the advice given wasn’t shared to the world. One of the most controversial seems to be the cut back on red and processed meats. This wasn’t included in the new guidelines that were just released. Some health nut bloggers are outraged because they think that if the government says red meat is down then the Ag industry will take a nose-dive. Probs true.

But do that many people really follow these dietary guidelines? I suppose schools and daycares do. Kind of. I’m sure weight loss programs such as Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig somehow loosely keep it in mind. I don’t know.

The guidelines do mention a few typical things that have made sense to the world wide web of health freaks. More nuts, more protein, more fish, more veggies. You know, the norms.

I did find it interesting though, that they are no longer suggesting we limit cholesterol. I feel like one of my biggest risks (for me personally) is cholesterol clogged arteries given my family history and current health so it’s surprising that they claim they don’t have enough evidence behind LDL-cholesterol research. Hmm.

I know that I’m not advocate for health because I have yet to prove that I can “do this” but being thrown into every direction and trying a million things under the sun, I still really believe that a healthy, BALANCED diet is the best method. I think that it’s okay to eat anything and not limit ourselves to what types of food we can eat. The key word to success is balance. Balance candy with veggies. Balance eating out with exercise. Balance drinks at the bar with water. But for some reason our minds are hardwired to fight us when we know what is right. Such is life.

In case you’re super interested in reading a manuscript, the dietary guidelines for 2015-2020 can be found here. What do you think of the changes? Do you even care?

New Year Improvements

To try and save time, I’m going to share the link to my main blog. In it, are some of my resolutions health-wise for the new year. They might be cliché but if I’m focusing on my health blog and support group on Facebook, cliche’s are kind of a requirement. Right?

Check out my New Year Improvements here. I’d love to hear what you’re New Years..whatever you want to call it are. What are your plans for 2016? What are your fitness and health goals? What do you want to accomplish in the next 363 days?

Progress Update: Maintain Is My Mantra

After not weighing in most of November, I weighed in on 11/25 and had lost 2.6 pounds over a 3 week period. (Better than nothin’!) 2 weeks ago, I stayed the same as the week prior and then this week I gained .4 pounds. Since we began this in early September, I’m down a total of 14.8 pounds! Go me!

Krissy asked me last night at weigh in how I felt and what I thought of how everything’s been going. On one hand, I’m disappointed because we’ve been doing this for 14 weeks (I think) and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anywhere with myself. Setting the number on the scale aside – my clothes fit the same, I haven’t increased activity, and honestly I haven’t been putting much effort into my health as of late. But, I’m seeing progress on the scale so I know that the small changes I have made are helping.

And on the other hand, I’m so proud of our group and myself. Sure, for me, the scale has just been going up/down/up/down for the last month or so but it’s the holidays. Temptations are everywhere. Everyone and everything we do involves a kink in our “normal routine.” Well, for me anyway. Without our weekly meetings, the 14.8 pounds I’ve lost so far would have gone out the window plus some.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this in here yet or not but my goal for the holidays has been to maintain. I know that the whole world doesn’t revolve around food but I want to enjoy the holidays. I want to be able to partake in the same things as everyone else and that often involves food. But if I continue to keep my weekly weigh in’s in the back of my head, they’ll help me say no to overindulging. This is the main reason the scale hasn’t jumped significantly in either direction. I’m “enjoying” the holidays (meaning food) but I’m not allowing myself to go totally off the deep end. Maintain is my mantra. If we can finish out the last 2-3 weeks of holidays, we can do anything.

I’m excited for what the new year will bring!

9 Healthy Tips For The Holidays

My work is trying to do a Healthy for the Holidays thing. They’ve been having brown bag lunches and such but guess what else my work is doing? Bake Sales, Pizza Days, Potlucks, Donuts, the list goes on.

Anyway, they shared an article today that I thought I’d share with you. Click here to read it. I like #1. “Keep the focus on fun, not food.” We always associate the holidays with food but the food is the least important part. Enjoying time with family is what we should associate the holidays with.

I also really liked the piece on “Indulge in only the most special holiday treats.” That’s so true but so hard, for me. It makes sense. Allow yourself to have cream cheese pinwheels or Grandma Aggie bars but don’t go overboard on stuff that you can get any day of the week like store bought chocolate chip cookies or ham. I’m going to try and keep this top of mind but if it’s anything like Thanksgiving, it’ll be a tough road.

I also think using our time to stay focused on something instead of getting in a bored slump is a great suggestion – like organizing family photos. Well, that might just be a me thing but if I organize, then the family can check out the pictures and we’ll have a grand time. I suppose I better see if my mom wants to dig out the bins of photos so we can start on that next week!

Let me know what you think of the article and feel free to share some of your tips and tricks for getting through the dreadful holiday 10 (pounds).

Just a few more weeks..

I keep telling myself that we just need to get through the holidays and we’ll be in the clear. To be honest, I went into this holiday season pretty optimistic. “I can say no to potlucks,” “I can make healthy meals,” “I can get in all my water and activity.” And I CAN but all of those things have never been a part of a normal routine for me so trying to tack that onto the list of a new job, busy from start to finish at work, Christmas everything; it’s more difficult to add those things I know I can do on to it. I can definitely see why “New Years Resolutions” are a thing.

BUT without this group, I wouldn’t have it in the back of my head that I have to weigh in every week. I’m fairly certain I’ll be up at tomorrow’s weigh in but hopefully only up .2 or .5 or 1 pound at the most but without the weigh in, I would have had twice as much to eat every day since last week. Guarantee it. I gained back nearly 40 pounds I had lost in less than 4 months earlier this year. Talk about embarrassing. Since we started this in September, I’m down about 15 pounds. It’s been up and then down and up and down every single week but overall I’m down. Without this group, I could have easily EASILY been up another 20 or 30 pounds in these 3 months.

Thank you to all of you for your continued support. We can get through the next 3 1/2 weeks!

Food is a Drug

Some jerk brought cocaine to work today in the form of chocolate chip cookie dough truffles. I had one and only one. It was hard not to take 5 or 6 and hog them to myself. I ate it and drank an entire glass of water. I’m full now.

Screw You Ground Round

Channing and I went to GR today. This post isn’t about what I ate or how I did.

So, I didn’t know this until today probably because I don’t have children but on Sundays you pay a penny for each pound you weigh for your child to eat. 40 pounds? 40 cents. Great, cheap meal for your family. I get the concept but this infuriated me so much that we almost didn’t eat here today.

It pisses me off that we are making kids focus on a number at such a young age. Step on the scale and the hostess announces it aloud. Sure, a 3 year old doesn’t know the difference but 10, 12…and overweight, that’s humiliating in front of mom and dad and the other strangers in the waiting room. I don’t know if this just irritates me because I’ve been overweight for my whole life but this isn’t okay. It’s a poor way to cut a deal.

Thanksgiving: The Aftermath

I wanted to share my Turkey day with you all. I’ll be the first to admit that I ate more than I could handle on Thursday. I didn’t have a plan and it was on purpose. I didn’t want to let myself down and give myself unreasonable expectations. What that led me too? Binge eating.

I’m in no way proud of it but I am glad that I was surrounded by people that I love. People that I am thankful for. It’s now Saturday and reflecting on my Thursday eating, I’m annoyed and frustrated with myself but I’m not going to dwell. I made a conscious choice to eat the way I did. Only I am responsible.

Usually whenever I binge eat, I’m sad or stressed. It’s something that I always have and always will struggle with. But Thursday wasn’t about the food. It was about the company. A side effect of that was the food.

After reading and re-reading Krissy’s posts today, I hope to get to where she is one day. I know it’s a frustrating cycle that you throw yourself into. You’re always focusing on the food. What can I eat? What should I eat? Why can’t I just be normal? I hope to get where you are; to make food top of mind and to not throw all my efforts out the window so easily. Honestly, I think it’s just one of those lose-lose battles. You either ignore your health for a day and feel disgusted with yourself or you micro-manage yourself to the point of not fully enjoying the gift that is food.

Screw December or Keep Going?

In our online Facebook group, we were all asked why we should suspend our group and our goals until after Christmas? Afterall, the holidays make healthy living so much hard. Here’s what I said:

I need accountability more than ever over the holidays. My realistic goal heading into the next 45 days is to maintain. Without this group and without the support, I could easily gain 10 pounds if not more. Even the smallest reminders like smaller plates or a push to go for a walk after dinner help. Having each other’s voices in our heads helps more than we are aware of.

Update: Healthy for the Holidays

1st weigh in at work for the Healthy Holidays campaign they’re doing. I’m a lot higher than I expected after not weighing in for a couple of weeks. I plan to weigh in next week (Thanksgiving week) with Krissy & Darla.

Couple things I’m thinking about:

  1. The difference in the scales? Sanford Profile Scale vs Weight Watchers Scale. It’s up about 8 pounds higher than my last WW scale weigh in and I know I haven’t done THAT bad..
  2. My clothes? I forgot that today was weigh in and I’m wearing a really bulky sweater and scarf..
  3. I feel like I’ve been doing well at following my eating plan (except for the weekend, the weekends always get me no matter what I’m doing)
  4. Lack of exercise. I’m probably the least busy in this group but I feel like I’ve been busier than ever and I haven’t made a activity a priority.
  5. I’m not going to punch in work weigh ins into MFP. I want those to be based off of one scale only.

Healthy for the Holidays!

My work is hosting “Healthy For The Holidays!” They’ll be having weekly weigh ins starting next week through Jan 4. $25, $50, $100 cash prizes for largest % of weight lost. (I could use that money!) They’ll also be hosting 4 brown bag lunches and have a sign up for people to share and post healthy recipes.

Normally, I wouldn’t participate in something like this at work because even though I’m obviously overweight, I’d be in denial that I need to participate. This year I am! This is going to be great! Another way for me to be accountable.

Does you work have anything similar? Biggest Loser, Holiday Wellness, Weekly Weigh-Ins?

Food Diary

I gained .8 this week. I’ve been focusing too much on the scale and if it’s going up or down. With the helpful advice of Krissy and Darla, I’m going to create a food plan to have with me so that I know when and what I’ll be eating. For the next few weeks, I’ll primarily focus on the food plan and getting activity in instead of putting so much focus on the scale. I will be weighing in next on 11/25 – right before Thanksgiving.

Update: I’ve mapped out my food and activity plan for the rest of the month beginning on Sunday (because my weeks start on Sundays). Step 2 of my plan is to input everything into either MFP or update my spreadsheet so I have the proteins/fiber/fat/carbs counts. When totally done, I’m going to print these out and have them with me so I can have the satisfaction of checking off the box.

In case you’d like to do something similar, this is an overview of what I did:

  1. During the work week, my breakfast, snack, lunch, snack are pretty much exactly the same except for the lunch entree. I usually have Smart Ones TV dinners for lunch. So that part was easy and I’m okay with the same ol’ for my work week.
  1. I figured in all “outings” that I currently know about such as birthdays, drinks with friends, comedy show, weekend getaway, and Thanksgiving. I chose a place to eat for the ones I knew about 100% and what I would have. The only variables are the weekend getaway because it’s a surprise (we don’t know where we are even going) and Thanksgiving because I mentally think Thanksgiving was too hard for me to do right at this second. Hopefully I’m stronger by the end of the month.
  1. Activity. I planned in structured and unstructured activity. This means that when I go to Target for 2 hours, I’ll also park further away or make a mental note to take the stairs down every time I need to go down. I also planned 3 times per week (because that’s realistic) for me to use a workout video of some kind.
  1. Extras – Some other things I want to put more of a focus on this month so I can truly begin developing good habits are: getting my water in (1/2 my weight in ounces), meditating for 10 minutes every single morning, and putting effort into saying no and/or making good health conscious choices when I get into a food pickle.

Note: From now until Sunday, I will continue to do what I have been doing. The plan that I talk about above is just more accountability for me and giving me more of a focus. I’m treating it like a daily task. Instead of focusing on just one week at a time and weighing in, I’m focusing on the whole month and how I feel.

Update on the BCP

It hasn’t been quite a week yet and I have a follow up appointment on the 9th of November (my birthday) with my doctor. So far, I haven’t felt any different taking birth control but I am noticing acne. [Insert Sad Emoji Here]

Usually, when I get my period, I get one pimple, a zit, whatever. One! And it’s always in the same spot. Always! To the right and just below the crease of my lip. Like a reverse Marilyn piercing. Well, with this period and first set of BCP’s, I have 6. 6!

[Insert 15 more Sad Emoji’s]

A face full of freckles aside, I’ve always had clear skin with the exception of that one pimple and maybe an occasional white head during the hot and sweaty summer months. I’ve always felt fortunate that I didn’t have to struggle with acne on top of the other things I struggled with.

I’m going to discuss my concerns with the NP when I meet with her again in a couple of weeks. I hope that this minor acne goes away just as quickly as they came on [which was practically overnight].

Oh, also. The main reason I have this follow up is because my pap smear results were unreadable due to a lack of cells on the swab. This birthday is going to be fantastic. Not.

To be continued.


Day 1 of birth control. Whelp.

I finally got my period today which means I popped a pill TAH-DAY. According to my Glow app, it was 10 days late. Which sadly, has been the norm since about March. At this point, over brief discussion with my NP, it’s been concluded that it may be due to excessive weight gain, unhealthy habits, and maybe a job change or two (syncing up with other female organisms).

The docs solution? Taking birth control to regulate my periods. Over the last 6-9 months I’ve gotten my periods. Some have been on time clocking in at 29 days. Some of been 6 weeks. This last one was 10 days late and between April and June, I only had one period. So, I’m kind of out of whack I guess.

I’m not excited about the possible side effects of birth control. As mentioned in a previous post, I’m weary because I gained nearly 50 pounds in less than 9 months the last and only time I’d tried it. I took it for about a year before deciding to quit.

Unfortunately, birth control is a trial and error thing which is really shady in the 21st century.  If this one doesn’t work for me (weight gain, mood swings, ect) then back in I go and try another pill. I hate that concept.

But I’m not oblivious to the good things the BCP can do for me. My periods will become regular and I will be less susceptible to a pregnancy. Although I’d love to start a family [3 years ago], it’s not wise at my current weight to become pregnant.

For those pro other birth control methods; we talked about those too. I’m not opposed to the rings/IUDs. I actually think those are spectacular options but I really don’t want long term. My weight loss story will be long  term and the amount of time it’ll realistically take for me to lose all the weight I want to lose will probably take 2 years if not 3 or even 4 but I don’t want to be on BC if I don’t have to be.

When the doctor says it’s safe for me to become pregnant, I want to stop taking the pills. This doesn’t mean that I’ll try to get pregnant immediately; it will depend on where I’m at in my life and on my journey to health.

I think the whole ‘not wanting to take birth control pills’ thing has to do with my dad. And on the same line of things; I don’t want to be on any kind of medication. My whole life, it seems like my dad’s been pumped up with medicine so much that it’s coming out of his eye sockets.

I love my dad dearly but I don’t want to ever have to rely on medication long term unless absolutely necessary and it’s really hard for me to believe that it’s absolutely necessary for him to be on however many prescriptions he has in his name. I think he actually has a bag to hold them all.

Anyway, dose 1 of BC is complete.

The Results Are In

Alright, I plan to sum this up the best I can so not to bore you. At my appointment, I had blood-work done to see where I was all around and to have a starting point going forward as I should probably be getting a wellness check at least once a year.

They tested everything under the sun from what I can see. Nearly 50 line items if I’m counting right. Everything from glucose levels to potassium to testosterone to blood cell counts. They posted the standard range numbers along with my readings. I’m not sure what the standard ranges are based off of. I’m assuming it has to do with age and/or demographic?

Anyway, I was both relieved and kind of surprised by the results. Given my weight as my biggest give-away, the only real concern is my LDL Cholesterol level. The standard range is 66-130 mg/dL and my reading was 178.

Everything else, including my blood sugar and blood pressure readings, were all in the standard range. I was most afraid of the diabetes talk. Just because my readings are good now doesn’t mean I’m out of the clear. What it means is that I’m golden today. I still need to work on my health to keep me in the clear.

I am also still very worried about my ability to conceive and my irregular periods*. We talked about it during my appointment. Although I’m perfectly aware that having or carrying a child at my current weight is really a bad idea; it concerns me that I’ve never gotten pregnant. I haven’t been on birth control for years and we all know that the ‘pull-out’ method isn’t really birth control.

At this point, the NP that I saw prescribed me birth control pills to start once my next period begins. This should help regulate my periods and ensure that I don’t get pregnant at my current weight. I’m nervous about weight gain and the hormone levels with the BCP. The reason I stopped taking birth control years ago was because of quick and excessive weight gain.

Once I come in for a follow up appointment in 6 months and have lost some more weight, we will dive into the ability to conceive down the road. Of course I’m still nervous because being a mom is what I’ve always dreamed of but I’m willing to press pause on the issue for 6 months and really focus on my health.

Back to the cholesterol reading — This we will address in 6 months as well. Repeating the above paragraph; I’m going to continue to work on my health. Watching the butter, cheese, and saturated fat intake will be key. It will be hard but I’m worth it. Right?

Do you have high cholesterol? I plan on looking for some tips and tricks online and I’ll be sure to post them. I’d love to hear what your thoughts are on lowering cholesterol. If you have stats, articles, or fun graphics to share – send them my way.

*My periods have been normal and on time since the age of 11 when I first got my period. As of the last 6-9 months, they’ve still come but they’ve been less frequent and much heavier. I can elaborate in another post down the road.

Tuesday, October 13th

I went to the doctor today. Remember? I told you I would. The week leading up to my appointment I over analyzed to the extreme. On a very rare occasion, I experienced extreme anxiety. My stomach had been in knots. Every time I’d think about the upcoming appointment, I wanted to puke.

As you may remember, I’ve never been seen for a physical and/or wellness exam as an adult. I’ve never had a pelvic exam, I’ve only had blood withdrawn once. Oh, and I’m nearly a million* pounds.

My biggest and most frightening concerns were/are as follows in no particular order:

What if I’m not normal? I have to get naked? Nope. What if I can’t have children? Have I had a miscarriage? My period is 3 days late already. What if she doesn’t want to practice medicine after seeing me? I’m sure my blood pressure will be through the roof, it always is because I’m so nervous. Shit, what’s my family history? I’m going to die for sure now. I’m sure my cholesterol is high. What if I have too much testosterone? How am I going to fast until 3:00 PM? I’m going to faint. Pretty sure I’m going to get a safe sex lecture. I hope she’ll be glad to know I’ve only had 1 sexual partner. That should count for something, right? I know I said this already but really, what if I’m not normal? What if I smell weird?  Do I have PCOS? What if I have diabetes? Or a heart condition? I can’t do this.

Guess what though? I did it. The NP that my aunt had recommended and her LPN were great. I mean for as great as an appointment like that can go, right? We talked about some of the concerns I had including child bearing, periods, weight, and my future. I had a pelvic/pap smear exam and 3 vials of blood drawn for multiple blood tests. Once the results are in, I’ll let you know what’s up.

I survived. Thank you, Krissy.

*Sorry, I still can’t bear to post my actual weight

The Weight Is Over

This is what I was talking about a few weeks ago. We started a Facebook group called “The Weight Is Over.” Right now, it’s an invitation only group. I know that sounds annoying, but it’s for a perfectly good reason.

The Weight Is Over is about a personal experience, your personal experience. It’s about motivating each other and being accountable for yourself and your health. It’s about positivity and most of all, it’s about support. Right now, we have about 8 people in the group. We post our struggles and our motivators. We post healthy meals and challenge each other. We motivate through words and photos, we praise and encourage each other, and we are there when the day ended up being a thousand-calories-over bender. We are providing accountability no matter the distance.

And the main reason (I believe) that this is going to work is because the 8 people that are currently in the group really are ready to take control of their health. They are ready to put the effort in. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be slips. Everyone has a junk day sooner or later. But what’s important is that your head is in the game enough to keep going. One “bad” meal doesn’t mean your day is ruined.

We’re not about any specific kind of diet or regimen. You can do whatever works for you as long as you do it. We want to remind each other not to beat ourselves up either. This is about a lifestyle change. There is going to be cake and there are going to be lazy days but we want to condition ourselves to live life to the fullest while practicing moderation instead of restricting ourselves to everything and beating ourselves up over it when you fall off the wagon.

And speaking of wagons, there is no such thing as falling off the wagon in “The Weight Is Over.” The only button we have is the “You Can Do It” one.

Once we gain some success within our group and add more and more people down the road, this might become public. I really want to reach and motivate people including myself. What I don’t want is for this to become another Facebook group that thousands of people are in but no one is actually getting anything from it. We want people to feel personally included and respected – Not just another number.

If you find yourself wanting to know more or would like to be a part of this group, contact me by emailing me or clicking here. Tell me a little about yourself and why you’d be interested in joining our group. Remember, our purpose is to support one another and anyone not interested in doing so should have stopped reading the second you happened across this page.

Thanks for reading and as always, I’ll keep you updated!

I’m Going To The Doctor and I’m…Going To Be Seen

In case you don’t hear the music playing in my head, the title of this post is sang to the tune of Chapel of Love by The Dixie Cups.

As a 20-something adult woman, I’ve never been to the doctor other than an acute sickness like bronchitis, poison ivy, or strep. Actually, those three things are the only things I’ve been to the doctor for in the last 10 years.

There was a brief moment where I went in and was prescribed with diet pills that worked for a little bit. There was also that time I was going to go into the OB/GYN for the first time but before even hearing my concerns the woman suggested gastric bypass. Me, being better with words on paper than in person just got up and left. Screw you. Since then, I haven’t been seen by a doctor and that was about 3 years ago.

So, when my aunt Krissy suggested I go to the doctor for a physical/wellness exam; I kind of laughed to myself. No. Doctors are dense.

  1. I’ve never in my life ever had a pelvic exam or have been seen by an OB/GYN (other than the 2 minute “Hi, Bye” scenario in 2012. And I’m not going through that again.
  2. The doctors I’ve been to have all let me down. I feel like they only see a big tub of lard and only focus on the diabetes speech.
  3. I’m grossly overweight and have zero intention on stripping down naked and spreading my legs. I know it’s not on the top of the list for any woman but add 200 pounds to your current weight and image how you’d feel.
  4. Not doing it.

But, keeping my emotions as in check as I could and knowing that Krissy really wants the best for me and my health, I agreed. I made an appointment with a Nurse Practitioner that she had suggested. My appointment is on Tuesday, October 13 at 3:00 PM. Stay tuned for a couple blog posts I’ll dub “Tuesday, October 13” and “The Results Are In.”

Here’s An Update, Kinda

Wow, hey! I haven’t gone into much detail about what I’m “doing” these days health-wise. So I suppose I should fill you in a little. I was going to Jenny Craig for accountability. I wasn’t really getting much of their food and ended up determining that it was too stressful to go there weekly and get the scripted statements they give me week after week. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

So, after gaining whatever it was that I had re-lost over a 3 week period, I gained it all back. #frustrating #selfsabotage

BUT, in the meantime I’ve been working on something new. I’ve done a little “soul” searching I guess you could say over the last month or so. Think along the lines of: What am I doing? Where am I going? Why am I not happy? What do I want to be doing that I physically can’t? You get the picture.

After a long Labor Day weekend of passing by many amusement park rides and wanting so badly to ride every single one like a little kid; I couldn’t because I knew I exceeded the weight restrictions. Talk about a whiff of realization. Take that, added to the semi-successful but very emotional shopping experience I had; it really hit me that I need to get my act together. (For the millionth time)

That’s probably why I fall out of motivation, because I don’t go anywhere. I stay hidden because I don’t like the glaring realization that I’m morbidly and unhealthily obese. Literally. If I don’t go anywhere, slowly but surely I will forget and fall into old habbits. Hmm.

Those examples above are just a few reasons that gave me a boost of motivation. I recently paired up with my aunt, Krissy and a friend of hers. We decided to begin weighing in on a weekly basis in a non-judgmental, do-whatever-health-kick-you-feel-like zone. If you want to do Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, MyFitnessPal, Slim Fast, whatever. Go for it.

At this point, we’re in the very early stages of what this is or could possibly be.  I don’t want to go into much detail at this point. Right now, we’ve just started with our group of 3 here in the Fargo metro area with the weekly weigh-ins. I’ve included my mom on the topics of discussion and attempting to provide encouragement and Krissy has been doing the same with her sister and my aunt, Karen.

How was week one? Great! At weight in, I lost 4 pounds. #yessir  I’m proud of myself but I’m realistic going forward. Usually, for me, the first week is always the week that I see a big drop. A drastic change in what I’m doing from the week prior is obviously going to reflect on the scale either way.

Over the last week, I went on 4 walks at a minimum of 30 minutes. I lifted 2 pound weights while watching the morning news and I’ve been drinking lots and lots of water. I also dug out my fitbit that I bought some time ago and strapped that pink beaut onto my wrist.

I’ll be sure to fill you in on this new path of the long journey I’ve begun again. Once I’ve really put in some good honest hard work in and actually proven to myself that I can stick with this for more than a month; I’ll elaborate on everything that we’ve put together.  In the meantime, don’t give up because you are SO worth it.

Dear Fat People?

I’m sure you’ve heard about this fat shaming controversy that just hit all your social media sites within the last couple of days. Nicole Arbour (self-proclaimed comedian, thin, white, young female) created a vlog post titled “Dear Fat People.”

Shit just hit the fan.

Now, I think the videos will speak for themselves. But I have a couple things to say. I will tell you that I saw Whitney Way Thore’s response video before I saw Nicole’s initial video. Thankfully. But even if I had seen them in the order that they were created, my feelings wouldn’t have changed.

I was offended to the point of disgust by Ms. Arbour’s video. The things she said were hurtful and full of hate. She was not being “funny,” she was not being a comedian. She was being a disgusted skinny, 30 year-old blonde brat because she thinks fat people are gross. The worst part is at the end when she tries to justify herself by saying some bullshit about “telling us because no one else will.” Saying that “we want you around as long as possible” so I just want you to know what everyone is thinking.

Thanks for that, Nicole. Like we didn’t already know what people think of us.

Your garbage of a video didn’t make me (a fat person) want to snap out of it and get healthy. It made me want to push myself into further denial and eat. I wanted to eat. Trying to counter everything you just said throughout the entire video with “we want you here longer” does not prove that you really deep down inside yourself care about our health. It doesn’t take back what you said when the fat family sat by you on an airplane.

I don’t know what the motive behind your video was other than getting a lot of hits which (CONGRATULATIONS) you received overnight fame, but fuck you.

Okay, rant over.

On the contrary, I’m so thankful that I saw Whitney’s video FIRST so that I knew someone like myself was in my corner. I don’t really need to say much about Ms. Thore. She hit every single topic on the head with her response video. Coincidentally, I recently “discovered” her show My Big Fat Fabulous Lilfe that airs on TLC Wednesday nights at 8:00. I didn’t even realize that she’s already on her 2nd season. I can’t wait to catch up on what I’ve missed and follow her journey going forward!

Let me know what you think about both Nicole Arbour and Whitney Way Thore’s videos. My social media has blown up with people defending and debating both sides of the Arbour video and I’ve been sharing Thore’s video at every chance I can get. Thanks for reading (and watching)!

I do want to point out, because I’m not incapable of understanding comedy, that if Nicole Arbour’s vlog would have been played out by an overweight person, it might have been received totally and completely differently. But I think that it would have also been delivered differently. Poking fun at yourself because your fat is in no way comparable to poking fun at fat people because they are fat.

Mom’s Challenge: Accepted

Last week, I wrote a post called “Fashion in a Fat World.” One of my few faithful followers (AKA, my mom) commented on it. To give you little back story, I went to the cities this past weekend. Specifically, Bloomington where the one and only Mall of America sits.

My mom challenged me to buy a new “dream outfit” that I could wear this fall. She made sure to mention that I be realistic and to not buy something that I will shrink into but something that I can look good in now. After all, I was going to be in the largest mall in America and it was Labor Day weekend. Hello sales!

It wasn’t as easy as I hoped but I did my best accepting my mom’s challenge. I went to the mall on Saturday. Out of 520+ shops in the entire Mall of America, there are only 12 that carry plus size clothing for women. TWELVE! #discouraging

I went to five of the 12. Two of which I couldn’t even find the plus size section. I didn’t bother going into the other seven due to my confidence being down and the price of the stores clothes.

I guess, obviously, my favorite store was Torrid. I’ve always liked Torrid because of the hip, young vibe they aim towards. I rarely shop at Torrid though because of the distance. On Saturday, I went in and tried on more clothes than my boyfriend had patience for. Dresses, jeggings, jeans, tops, ect. But nothing fit right. The jeans/jeggings all fit me but (weird twist) the calf and ankle area was way too big. Like thunder calves, which I’d never experienced. I’m blessed in the fact that given my overall size, my lower legs have not adopted the “fat” that the rest of my body has. (We’ll get into this in another post.)

The dresses I tried on fit me well and I felt comfortable in them until I turned around and looked in the mirror. I ballooned out like Violet on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. They didn’t look horrible, but I didn’t like what I saw.

It was frustrating because I really wanted to take my mom’s challenge and buy something for myself. Feel good about myself. Allow myself to look good at the size I’m at WHILE continuing to work on my own health.

Long story short (but it’s already long): I ended up going back to Torrid on Monday because I was determined to buy something. I even thought about buying the dresses and accepting what I saw in the mirror. The dresses were gone. (Damnit) But, I found the leggings section that I didn’t even see last time around. Three pairs of colored/patterned leggings and two sets of boot socks later, I felt good. I went on to buy myself a pair of sweet Crocs and killer high top Converse in Albertville on the way home too!

I didn’t actually get a “dream outfit” like my mom originally challenged but I did buy myself something. Something that I can actually wear now and can feel good in. Thanks mom for the challenge! And if you’re reading this, I challenge you to the same! Next time you go to Grand Forks, stop in Layne Bryant or Catherine’s and treat yourself to all the hard work you’ve put in to date. You deserve it! 🙂

Fashion in a Fat World

Looking at me from a fashion standpoint, you may or may not (depending on who you are) think that I don’t care either way about fashion.

For the most part, I don’t wear the latest trends. I think I rotate between 6 or 7 tops, and 3 pairs of bottoms all of which are leggings. I only have 2 or 3 pair of shoes that I wear and I accessorize with 1 of 10 scarves. My makeup is minimal and my hair is either up in a high top bun or down with natural waves.

Why am I telling you this? Because fashion in a fat world sucks. There are a lot of trends that have come and gone over the years that I love! Many of which I’ve never gotten the opportunity to either embrace or purchase or whatever mostly in part due to my size (and sometimes my wallet).

There are big and beautiful women out there like Melissa McCarthy, Rebel Wilson, Gabourey Sidibe, Adele, ect who rock it. No matter what the fashion trend, they own the shit out of it. BUT(#sorrynotsorry) they are loaded and can afford to have someone creatively and beautifully dress them or make something for them or shop for them. They also (I think) take care of themselves a lot better than I do. They don’t appear to be as “blubbery” as I do. If that makes sense.

I know there are trendy stores for people my size but I find that almost every store falls into one of these categories:

  1. Price – Everything is expensive. If I want the exact same pair of leggings that my friend got at Target for $9.99, I’d have to go to Torrid and spend $34.95. And shirts? $22 for a tank top cami? Screw that.
  2. Size – This is for everyone but the larger you are, the worse it is. Something around my waist might fit perfect. My butt looks great, the length is just right but the thighs are full of thunder. I could fit a newborn baby in the thighs. Take Catherine’s or Lane Bryant for example. This also goes for tops. Many shirts I find that I really really like, don’t fall on me well. They are usually too short which looks horrendous on a fat person. Pants pulled up to your belly button and then a too short shirt meeting at your belly button? No thank you, ma’am. Why do the people that design plus size clothes want to bring attention to our “front butt.” (I loathe that term.)
  3. Selection – I buy most of my clothes at Maurices and Gordmans but the selection for my size blows. Walk into Maurices and you’ll see at least 20-30 different shirts, pants, dress combos for “average sized people.” Keep walking towards the back and (hidden fat part) of the store and there are maybe 10 options? 3 of which fit me just right. The worst part? I only buy one of those 3 items because they all come in mauve. The bigger you are, the smaller the selection.

I do want to back up and acknowledge that I know clothes are expensive no matter your size. Take Buckle, Abercrombie & Fitch, Macys for example. The great thing for people smaller than I am is that they have so many more options. You can find quality items that are in style at an affordable price at Plato’s Closet, Walmart, Target, Debs, Vanity. I totally understand the business aspect of: more fabric = more size and agree with that from a financial point of view but a lot of trendy clothing stores don’t even have larger sizes available.

Attention Clothing Retailers: A size XL that fits like a M everywhere else, is NOT appealing to the plus size population.

I can’t wait until the day when I can browse the local downtown boutiques that have the beautiful flow-y summer dresses or sweet army vest with a patterned long john shirt underneath. Be able to look cute and comfy wearing leggings, high boots, and a baggy off-one-shoulder sweater with a belt to cinch the waist.

I’m so envious of those that can walk into almost any store and find something that fits them. And I’m not just referring to thin model type women. A healthy and curvy size 14 can still go almost anywhere and find something that works for them.

I don’t like wearing black elastic-y leggings every day but that’s all that fits. I don’t like wearing a body shaper every day to hold in all my fat so that it doesn’t jiggle down the street as abruptly as jello. Or wearing a cami, overshirt, and scarf every day. I feel like I wear the exact same combo every single day; just in a different color. I’m as stylish as I can be at the size I am. But I hate what I see in the mirror.

I’ve heard the “love yourself” motto over the years. It’s hard to do when the person inside doesn’t match the person in the mirror. I’m all about embracing big beauty. I know that it’s not realistic (nor do I want) to be a slim size 6. I want my curves to be defined and not just a giant loaf of bread. I want to smile (or not smile) without having a double or triple chin. I want to feel sexy in the bedroom or a night out on the town. I want to love my body.

But in order to love my body, I need to love my body. Right? I need to want to get healthy. I need to want to exercise and eat right. I need to want to get my water in and say no to overindulging on junk food. For the last 20+ years it’s been a lose lose battle but every day I’m trying to convince myself that it can be a win win.

Continue reading “Fashion in a Fat World”

What’s the deal?

Excuse me while I tearfully admit that I’ve been majorly slacking lately. I took a small hiatus from this blog (Yes, I know ‘Didn’t you JUST start it?’). I don’t know what’s been up my butt lately. 2 weeks ago I blamed the world wide web of stress and then last week I’m blaming a bum ankle and scraped up legs that just made me lazier than usual.

Although I haven’t totally let all my hard work slide, I have been slacking big time. Like BIG TIME. I broke my rule of logging into MyFitnessPal because I was busy and didn’t want to think about what I ate that day because it wasn’t good.

I have been doing some thinking though. I don’t know if my “complaining” posts are doing me any good. I never really am looking for pity, it’s more of a source to get out my frustrations. These may continue but I might give myself a day or two to mull the topics over before sharing.

Also, at the launch of this blog, I wanted to do so many things all at once. I was thinking of the big picture, what I want to be seen and said and done. But it’s a lot to ask of myself. I want to eat healthy, exercise, log everything into MFP, post daily to Pinterest, blog at least weekly, manage my Twitter page, start a weigh-in group in my community, and that’s just the things that revolve around my health and this blog.

Thankfully, I did promise to not promise anything on this journey. J (Other than that promise, obvs)

So, what’s all this blah blah blah mean?

It means that first and foremost, my health comes first. I’m a constant thinker, writer, and dreamer which means that I want to share everything with the world on this journey because I know that what I have to say is important and meaningful. BUT I will not let it (and all it comes with) get in the way of my health.

This means that I might only post a couple times a month. I might skip logging into MFP on my cheat days. My Twitter page might be dormant for a week or two.

I think it will be more realistic to add all of these things (the bigger picture) when I get a handle on what I’m doing. I lost a little weight last year and that was hard enough without trying to publicize my journey.

So between now and whenever you hear from me again. Feel free to send me encouraging words or motivational wisdom, share my story so far, and believe in me! I can’t wait to see where this takes me and I’m bringing each and every one of you along!

Talk to you sometime. -O

Another “Ugh” Week

It’s like an every other week thing. I don’t know how to fix it. One week I do excellent as far as food consumption goes. The next, I eat like crap. And then the next, I’m back to a strict “I can do this” mantra.

This week I’ve been very stressed out and when I’m stressed, I eat. There was some unbelievably ridiculous family drama that unfortunately interrupted my shopping excursion this week. So instead of shopping, I comforted myself with carbs. I’m also worried about my dad because he had some test results come back “not perfect.” I know that he’ll be fine but that doesn’t make it any less worrisome. Although his health should push me into a reality check on how I need to treat myself, it hasn’t. To add to the already awesome week, our kitten bit off the end of my charger leading him to what we think was a shock of some kind. He hasn’t been himself at all. I’ve called the vet a few times asking about his behavior but he’ll have an appointment on Friday. And if that wasn’t the icing on the cake, I’ve had a rough week at work.

I know, I know. Excuses. Whatever.

Like I said from the beginning, this is a journey. My journey. If I would have hit the ground running on day one of this blog without any bumps, you’d know something was up. I want to be as honest as I can and although it would be easier to just not write anything and hope everyone forgot that tomorrow is weigh in day, I might as well be up front. Right? I’m basically writing to you today to let you know that I will be passing on weigh in week.

I wish I was tough enough to take the hit that the scale will read tomorrow but I’m not. I don’t want to deal with another punch to the gut. Quite frankly, I’m not in the mood. I’m not in the mood to see the scale go up 3-5 pounds. I’m not in the mood to see the fake disappointment “act” that the JC lady will give me or the scripted motivation that she has in her back pocket.

This doesn’t mean I’m giving up. Today (Thursday) I’ve reeled myself back in, given myself a good shaking. I can do this. I finally went grocery shopping yesterday, I’m doing great so far on what I’m eating today and I’m getting plenty of water in. Instead of being disappointed tomorrow at the scale and risk using it as yet another excuse, I’m going to try and take advantage of my day off with Frankie to get a walk in, grocery shop for good, healthy food. Meal plan for the next week or two and clean house of junk food in the cupboards.

Thanks for baring with me while I continue on this roller-coaster.

Progress Page

My progress page is updated with current progress to date and before photos. In time, I will add more information, photos, and numbers. Find my progress page by clicking on the tab above or by clicking here to be redirected.

Reverse Anorexia

This may turn out to be a series. I have a lot to cover and I don’t want this post to be three miles long but I do want to explain how I’m feeling to the best of my writing ability. So we’ll see what happens. I’d like to do another, similar post from the point of view of my mom if she’s up for it. 🙂

rtpVpfdiReverse Anorexia is a term coined by my mom. This is my interpretation of it..

“Reverse Anorexia: How you feel inside and how you see yourself in the mirror doesn’t match how others see you or how you photograph.  How, when you see someone’s reflection off of glass doors and realize that it’s not someone else, it’s you. Someone unrecognizable to who you know you are. They look kind of like you. The same hair, eyes, smile, clothes even. But the person.. The fat person.. The blob.. That’s not you. It can’t be.”

Bw-obAeCcAEkU6UThe first couple photos you’ll see in this post are obviously selfies. Photos that I’ve taken of myself. Photos that I have control over. I control the light and the angle. I control my facial expression and which way my chin is pointing. I control the framing of the photo. I look boss.

I like what I see. Looking in the mirror either before or after my selfie, I like what I see for the most part. My hair is working for me today. My makeup is on-point. My eyes are beautiful, my smile is genuine. I actually like what I’m wearing which is rare because I feel like everything looks like crap on me.

10404263_10152848722853363_7689886224848414754_nBut, without knowing it, I’m struggling from a case of Reverse Anorexia.

I try my very best to not be included in photos unless I’m the person taking them which results in one of two ways. 1: If it’s a killer photo, I’ll be posting it to all my social media sites. Or 2: If I look, in any way, morbidly obese. Delete.

However, sometimes I let my guard down. Sometimes I’m not in control of who is holding the camera. Sometimes, photos like you’ll see in this post are made public and I die inside. I want to make clear that it’s not any kind of depression. (I don’t buy into the hype of depression or even anxiety.)

CaptureI just die a little. That’s as simple as I can put it I guess. My heart hurts when I see photos of myself, my whole self. My stomach turns wondering how many people have seen this photo and what they thought when they saw me in it. How much I’ve changed or how bad I’ve “let myself go.”

It hits me so hard I cry sometimes. I feel disgusted, gross. I can’t believe I was out in public looking like THAT. I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that it’s not just the photo that I have an issue with; it’s me. How I look in the world. How I assume people judge me based off of how I look rather than my personality. And I’m calling bullshit if people say they don’t do that, they do. Myself included.

I honestly don’t know if I have the words to explain the emotions that I feel when pictures are taken of me and posted online. The after-effect it has on me and how it ruins the moment or the day, it’s unreal. It’s not that I don’t want to have a presence online or whatever. I do. I want people to “remember” me when I’m long gone. I’m not trying to be totally invisible; I just don’t want people to see me because I hate what I see. I love social media and photography and blogging – all that jazz. But somewhere deep, it really is painful to see what I look like in the eyes of other people. Not as a person, but as a physical form.

I know who I am as a person but not many do. I think maybe my immediate family has a pretty good idea. My mom and brothers for sure. Channing is the probably the only person that gets “Ori” 100% of the time. He gets the good, the bad, and the ugly. He gets the goofy and the obnoxious. The flirtatious and the sexy. He gets me and I adore him for it.

But sometimes, honestly – I wonder if he suffers from what my mom and I call Shallow Hal Syndrome. You’ve seen the movie. Where this guy is dating this beautiful, thin, funny, smart woman. Only to turn out that he’s the only one that sees her as beautiful and thin. In reality, she’s for lack of a better phrase; big, fat, and ugly.

So I guess what I’m wondering (in vain) is; how do you view “fat” people? Really, be honest. When you see an overweight or obese person, how do you judge us without knowing us? I really want to know.

I personally am usually very quiet when I meet new people. I’m an observer. I don’t just “click” with anyone so I don’t find it necessary to open up unless I actually see friendship a possibility.

So, when you see someone heavy, really heavy and you don’t know them, haven’t spoken much to them, a co-worker, someone at the store, whatever. Does it depend on their style? Does it depend on their behaviors? Does it depend on what they do for fun? Does it depend on who they are with?

I hope with your responses, I can get a clearer view of judgment. I, myself, judge harshly. I’ll be the first to admit it. If you look like a bitch, I’ll probably stay away from you. If you have a snotty voice, I probably will avoid talking to you. If you come off as just plain stupid, I won’t bother making nice. If you are thin, I’ll assume that you don’t want to have anything to do with fat people so I won’t even bother approaching you in fear of how you’ll view me.

Reverse Anorexia is a haunting nightmare. It’s annoying. It’s frustrating to know who you are as a person, who you see in the mirror; isn’t who the world sees.

**All photos used in this post have been taken within the last 10 months. **


Mortified Moment of the Week

This picture. Period. Last week, a few of us at work volunteered for the United Way stuff-a-backpack thing that they do every year. I had a good time and it was nice helping out and extending a hand in the community. It was hot and the A/C was not working but I digress.

They had a backdrop (as you can see) and some props. Of course we had to take a photo, duh. I apparently wasn’t thinking or I honestly wouldn’t have been a part of the picture. This photo was shared out on Monday on our company “Culture” page. It was shared out to the entire company. All 1,000+ employees. Ehhh 😦 It was also posted on the companies Facebook page which has who knows how many likes.

This picture is out there and I can’t remove it so I figured I’d share it with you.

I hate this photo. I hate that this is how the world sees me physically. I’ll elaborate about this topic in a future post but I feel like I’m blind as to how I look. And I’m not expecting any nor do I want any pity. I don’t want any “but you’re a beautiful person on the inside” bullshit because that’s not going to make me feel any better. This isn’t a rant in vain either. It’s a rant out of disgust. When I saw this photo pop up in my inbox at work because it was shared out (just like many other photos of company events), I was horrified. I may have even literally gasped.

But, this is what has been getting me through the week. This is what helped me say “no” to offers of food. This is what helped me say “yes” to a fitness challenge my mom and I agreed on this month. This is what is helping me stay motivated.

I hope to share and update with some more photos over the weekend. I’m calling them my “before” photos because I better have after photos and I better look damn good.

Has there been anything past or present that has hit you in the face with an “oh, shit I better get my act together” moment? I’d love to hear about it so I know that I’m not the only one.

**NOTE** The original photo has 4 people in it. I cropped this photo to be of just myself for this blog.

I Said “No”

Oh, hey! I’m really feeling great this week (and it’s only Wednesday)! Being the list-lover that I am, I kept a list of things that I normally would have said “yes” to but said “no” to and lived to tell about it. Special notice to the bold and underlined word.

  1. PIZZA – Rhombus Pizza to be exact. Someone, somewhere on the 4thfloor had a group pizza par-tay this week. And they bought too much. 2 full pizzas too much. Go figure. Yay for the rest of 4th floor, right?! I didn’t even touch them. Pizza is on my top 5 of number 1 favorite foods but I didn’t even look at it. Winning.
  2. BROWNIES – Okay, here’s a secret: I love chocolate. WHAT, you didn’t know? At this point, I allow myself a “free day” which I have decided is Saturdays. I want to be conscious of my choices but I allow myself to indulge on Saturdays. I know rewarding hard work with food is frowned upon in the health guru world but sometimes, it’s the only thing that gets me through the week — knowing that I can have something I crave on Saturday. Anyways, I made brownies last Saturday and didn’t finish them all (which is good). What that means though is that they have been on the counter staring at me every single day and I haven’t even opened the cover. Maybe they’ll be too hard to eat by Saturday. BOOM.
  3. TREAT DESK – At work, right behind me. Most of the time it’s either empty or full of stuff that I don’t really like. Thank you Lord, Jesus! But this week our boss is preparing to go on vacation so she “rewarded” our hard work with yummy treats. Think Cheetos, Doritos, Tootsie Rolls, M&M’s. Wanted them. Looked at them. But haven’t eat any of it.
  4. TAILGATERS – I was asked to go to lunch for the Nachos & Tots buffet at Tailgaters on Tuesday. I’m not a fan of either of those food options but I was tempted because of the social aspect of the invite. After all, I could have had soup and salad and ignored the rest of the buffet. It would have been too hard to resist though, because even though it wasn’t my favorite food, I probably still would have had tots, some variation of nachos, soup, salad, and whatever else they were serving. So, even with the peer pressure, I kindly said “No thanks.”

I know these might sound silly to some people but to me, it’s my life. A month ago I would have had 3 pieces of that leftover pizza and maybe even brought a couple for the drive home. I would have finished that pan of brownies in one sitting. I would have had who knows how many bags of chips and handfuls of candy at the treat desk. But I didn’t and I’m proud of myself for making health-conscious decisions. Very, very proud.

Weigh in day..

Phew, weigh in day is here. I was nervous because I knew I hadn’t been doing very well nutrition wise this week and knowing how the week prior went, optimism wasn’t on my side. I’ve skipped a few meals due to a busy work schedule and lack of planning. I’ve also had a few days of overeating but I did my best to maintain my water intake and do a little more natural activity than usual.

This included that hangover the next morning night but it was full of dancing and moving. I also volunteered for United Way this week which involved three hours of up, down, bending movements in an un-air-conditioned Fargodome conference room. Hello sweaty-all-over!

And guess what? Even though I’m a self-critic and seem to always find something wrong with what I do, I lost 2.6 pounds anyway! I actually high-5’d myself when I got to my car. Go me!

“Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

My mom sent me that quote today and it got me thinking. To myself and maybe even you, it might not seem like I’m making much progress but I am. Small changes over a period of time will prove that I’m making progress. Going to weigh in’s when I don’t feel like I had a good week proves progress. Volunteering for something that involved activity proves progress.

Before I started this with my mom last summer, I would have never volunteered at something like I did this week. I would have said “no way” to stepping on a scale in front of a stranger. I would have sat in my car every single lunch break until the end of time in denial while eating my number 2 cheeseburger meal at McDonalds.

I know that I’m only making small changes but I’m making changes. Changes for the better, changes in my thinking towards foods and activity, changes in my attitude. Progress is possible because I’m willing to change my mind on how I want my life to be lived.

Do you do weekly weigh-ins? I’d like to hear about your progress too!

Feeling Frustrated

I’m not feeling too hot about tomorrow’s weigh in. Last week I stayed the same from the week prior and this week I’m afraid to admit that it’ll probably be the same if not worse. I haven’t been binge eating a lot of junk food or anything but I know this week has been off food-wise.

Weird lunch breaks, volunteer work, not enough water, too lazy to go to the grocery store, ect. Being a person that strives on routine, this really puts a damper on how I figure in food from day to day. I’ve been out to eat a few times and while I’ve stayed away from my usual go-to greasy places; a Jimmy Johns sandwich sometimes isn’t much better than a burger from Mickey D’s.

Trying to get into the swing of things and wanting to live a fuller, healthier lifestyle is a lot harder this time around than last year. I can’t quite put my finger on why.

The Hurdle of the Day

After last week’s downhill slide of starch and the inability to stay focused food wise, I came to work prepared and ready to conquer this week. Except, I forgot my TV dinner on the counter at home (sorry, Lean Cuisine) and brought my salad but no container.

Guess what? Nowhere in this 5 story building filled with hundreds of people is there a paper plate or bowl. I didn’t actually go to every single level but I did check in all the common areas that I know of. Nothing. Nowhere. And I’m not about to eat like a savage out of the bag itself. It’d be wasteful.

I managed to push through my lunch without buying a pop, chips, and Kit Kat bar but I’m so hungry. I don’t know which is better: No food or junk food? Thoughts?

P.S. I did spread my snacks throughout the day but am definitely feeling the Monday blues because all I want to do is “eat, eat, eat” an actual meal.

Fat people have abdominal muscles too!

After a Saturday night of (heavy) drinking and lots of dancing, I woke up Sunday morning with a headache and a sore body. I’m 25, I should have sprung up like a sunflower as the sun rose. But I didn’t.  I really am not a partier, drinker, whatever you want to call it but I do make an exception once in a while. Then there are those that still drop it like it’s hot well into their 50’s. Whatevs.

The plus side, I guess, is that I got some hardcore physical activity in Saturday night. I don’t even know if I’ve ever had my “ab” muscles hurt like this. It’s like a good hurt though. You know what I mean? Naw I’m sayin’? The good hurt after some exercise.

Yes, I know that I don’t look like I even know what exercise is but I have had my bouts of ‘cisercising in my life. Trust me.

Anyway, half way through Monday and the muscles hidden in the deepest depths of my fat are still alive and not afraid to back down. Uh!

Introducing: Motivation!

I’ve decided to link my “Motivation to get HEALTHY!” Pinterest page to my blogs Motivation page. It only makes sense right? This way, it’ll be super easy for me to upload and re-pin motivating type inspirations to get healthy for both my readers and myself. I’ll also upload any motivating infographics that I use in this blog to my Pinterest page so it’s a catch all for all things uplifting and positive on this journey.

You can either click here or click on the Motivation tab of this blog to be redirected to my Pinterest page. Make sure to like this Pinterest board as well!

Remember, if you have any motivating tips, tricks, or exercise routines don’t be afraid to send them my way. I’ll upload it to the Pinterest page!

I hope you’re reading Krissy! Motivations are up and rarin’ to go!

The Push I Needed To Get Through A Tough Week

I just wanted to take a second to say “Thanks!” to those that have started following, liking, and commenting on my posts and blog. It gives me more motivation to not give up on myself. I apologize for being a little slow getting back to comments and messages but I’ll make it a priority to check weekly at the very least.

I was so tempted to go up town for lunch (again) because I’m still craving a stuff-your-face carb overload but because I’ve gotten some great traffic on my posts, it’s giving me the motivation to get through the day strong by sticking to my food plan for the day.

Thank you for keeping me in check!

2 Week Update

It hasn’t quite yet been two weeks but too bad. I wanted to take a minute to reflect on the first week and a half or so and how well or not well it’s been going.

  1. Week 1 went awesome. I started this blog and encouraged ones I’m close with to follow me on this journey. I’m still working out the kinks and the blog isn’t fully functional yet but I’m busy you know!
  2. I’m committed to entering everything into MyFitnessPal. (No matter how junkfoody) Which you’ll notice hasn’t been full of the best of the best but it’s all in there.
  3. I lost 2.1 pounds my first week! (But I’ll probably be gaining this week.)
  4. Going into week two hasn’t been so easy. I’m not giving up. I’m still entering all my information and making a point to send updates through my blog but I’m just not feeling it this week.

I admit, the Street Fair food definitely put a dent into my routine. And I haven’t been able to get into the swing of things since then. This weekend, we’ll be heading out of town for a wedding and a night full of drinks I’m sure.

I’m not going to quit though and I’m not going to fill you with excuses. This is part of the journey, I figure. I’ll learn eventually. I know that I need to cut back and not overindulge but it’s a tough balance when I want to go out and about to do things or be with people. One day at a time.

Also, this will probably be my last post until after the weekend. Talk to you Sunday!

Starvin’ Marvin

I’ve been having a tough time staying on track since late last week. Friday started with street fair food and Saturday involved some more. I did get some physical activity in for the first time since kick-starting my journey again so it wasn’t a total loss.

I’ll probably mention it time and time again but I’m a creature of habit. So in desperate need of a lazy Sunday and than having Monday off to catch up on some errands; I haven’t done the greatest at much food-wise. I haven’t been not trying to eat healthy but I haven’t been trying either. I don’t want to give myself too much slack but at the same time I don’t want to get into the habit of beating myself up over a “bad food day.” Giving myself too many cheat days too often will never get me to my goal of living a healthier lifestyle.

Today, for example. I brought all my food into work, started out well drinking my water; ect. But I’m hungry. Probably some kind of withdrawal from street fair food and pizza over the weekend. I just want to eat candy and carbs. I’ve tried drinking more water to mask “fullness” but it hasn’t been working.

I’ll get this down. I know I will. I just need to light the fire within me instead of expecting it to catch a spark all on it’s own.

How do you get through junk days?

Deep Fried Snickers

The Fargo-Moorhead Street Fair is in town and aside from beautiful works of art, fun things to do, and entertaining people all around – there is food. And lots of it.

If I’m going to ever going to find happiness loving myself and eventually getting to a happier, healthier weight; I’m going to have to be allowed to let myself live and partake in all that anyone else is “allowed” to do. That means that I’m not going to be ashamed that I had deep fried snickers and a chocolate marshmallow shake for lunch. Heck yes I did, it’s the Street Fair! And I’m not going to pass up on an opportunity to bond with my co-workers. I’m new to town so I’m going to take every opportunity I can, to try and make friends.

“But you didn’t have to get DEEP FRIED SNICKERS?” you say. No. But I wanted to and I’m okay with that. I’m not beating myself up for it and that’s what matters. And honestly, if the scale reflects that next week, it’s a chance I’m going to have to take.

I know that it’s so early into my “journey” or whatever but I think that it’s okay to have indulgences with moderation. I know this probably sounds extremely naive and even ignorant but I don’t want to live in a world where I’m going to have to 100% of the time sacrifice the one thing that keeps me alive; food.

Besides – going to the street fair and stuffing my face got me out of the office and off my butt for a while. I got some much needed Vitamin D, I was dripping in sweat, AND I got a nice walk in; something that I wouldn’t have done if I would have stayed at work for lunch. So there.

Down 2.1!

First weigh in since I started this journey and I’m down 2.1 pounds! Can I get a “what what!?” Considering that I didn’t really put a lot of effort into getting this going until Monday of this week, I consider this a huge win! Just imagine if I would have “tried” as soon as I had weighed in the week prior.

I have been debating on sharing my current weight with this blog. I’ve decided that I’m going to “weight” until I’ve been able to provide positive results for a little while. I know that I don’t need to share and I don’t even know how many people will come across this blog but sharing my weight is going to be mentally draining and unbearably embarrassing. I’ve been obsessing over it since I mentioned possibly sharing it in a few posts ago.

I’m very close with my mom and we share the same struggle with getting healthy and have for a long time and I won’t even tell her what I weigh. One thing that we both know is that it’s more than her. So there’s that.

One of the first things I said when starting this blog and doing the research on a weight-loss blog was to not promise anything. I can’t promise you that I’ll stick with this and I can’t promise you when I will divulge my weight. But contrary to what I just said, because this is about weight-loss and a journey, I can promise you that as long as I stick with this road to a healthier lifestyle, I will share my start weight and my weekly progress. I just cannot promise you when.

But, enough about that. I’m down 2.1 and that’s awesome!

Mid-Day Slump

Half way through day two is making me as groggy as ever. While day three has a lot of positives like fruits, veggies, and protein – the caffeine withdrawal is definitely kicking my ass.

Thankfully it’s not as bad as it has been the past 30 times I’ve tried to cut back on the sugar high. Over a number of times in my life including the last 6 months or so I was used to having whatever size pop came with my drive-thru meal. I’d also usually have a can of pop sometime in the evening because my boyfriend makes his daily snus trip to the nearby convenience store. I probably shouldn’t leave out that I’ve saved about $10 in the last few days because I haven’t bought my usual 1-3 candy bars each day.

The positives outweigh the negatives right? I’ll keep telling myself that until I really believe it. (I know it’s true, I’m just cranky.)

Although pop and candy free day number two hasn’t given me a headache, it has made me want to go home. I’m ready for bed. I’m tired and I don’t feel like dealing with people.

Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if I pee my pants this week. I’m making a great effort to get half my weight in ounces of water in and in case you’re wondering, that’s a lot. I’ve made more trips to the bathroom than I have gotten emails today.

How do you push through a mid-afternoon slump?


I’ve always been a fan of MyFitnessPal. I’ve actually always been a fan of writing everything down line by line so when MFP became a thing; it was totally up my alley. I admit that I’ve only used it in my health nut spurts. In the past if I had a “free” day, I’d either skip entering into MFP completely or enter in a made-up day just to make it look like I was on a streak of entering. Yes, another mind game I fool myself into believing. Forgive me.

Fear not, I’m changing my ways! I want this journey to be invasive. Ultimately, I want to not only help myself but to help someone else and that’s why I want this process or story or whatever to be open with no loop holes or hidden agendas.

With that, I’ve decided on two things:

  1. MyFitnessPal diary entries are now public. (Scary!) This means that you can see what I eat and around when I eat. You’ll be able to see the portion sizes, the nutrition facts, and the brands and kinds of things I buy. There may be an occasion where I will have to guess (like yesterday’s lunch was a pre-packaged salad from a local caterer) but I’ll do my best.
  2. I’m going to log my entries every day, baby! Even on my cheat days and busy days. I am making it a priority to log in what I’m eating. And you better believe that I’ll have cheat days. I’m human. I wonder if making it a priority to log EVERYTHING, that I’ll be more conscious of my choices knowing that I’m letting other people see instead of sneaking things in.

I should warn you though, that I’m a creature of habit. I’m unapologetically a picky eater so you won’t see any crazy wacked out recipes or food concoctions. I’m kind of boring and I like routine. I’ll probably rotate between two or three breakfasts. My snacks will almost always be the same every day. My lunches will usually be a salad and a TV dinner of some sort. The only variety you may see will be in my dinners.

I’m a simpleton when it comes to my menu. I don’t want to have to think about it. The more work I have to put into planning a meal, the less likely I’ll even do it. I do love cooking and baking though so hopefully I won’t be too bland.

If you’re interested in seeing what I am putting into my mouth, click here. If it doesn’t give you a breakdown like I think it should, let me know. I believe you have to have a MyFitnessPal account in order to view it.

Do you use any food or nutrition tracking apps? What do you use and why?

When I Was At The Grocery Store..

When I was at the grocery store this evening, I couldn’t help but have these thoughts constantly running through my mind: “Ugh, I want poptarts. I’ll never get to have poptarts again…a full Pizza Corner pizza get in my belly! 900 calories? Who cares….SMORE’S are on sale and I need them…cheddar cheesy bratwursts, yes!”

What a mind fuck.

I want to live in a world were I can be in control of what I put into my mouth. I want to be able to eat whatever I want within reason and be able to just have one serving size instead of quadrupling whatever the packages say. I don’t know if that’s even possible, really.

My boyfriend is very supportive and going to help me the best he can on this journey but I can just as easily manipulate him as I can myself. I can tell him one minute to not offer me any of whatever he’s eating, so he won’t. Then ten minutes later, I’ll ask for some. He’ll remind me of what I made him promise but I somehow can weasel my way into the crust or just one bite or just one slice.

My self control was in check today (thankfully) but the grocery store trip was a bitch after being hungry from a lack of food/planning today and wanting to eat everything I saw.

Do you give into your temporary food cravings? What do you do to keep your salivary glands preoccupied until it passes?

I’m In Charge Of My Choices.

I’m feeling good after an unorganized (which is out of my character) and busy Monday. As I mentioned yesterday, I hadn’t bought groceries yet thus leading to an unplanned day of food. I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear that I gave myself a “hell ya” pat on the back today.

Not only did I walk right past the delicious deep friend smells that Casey’s General Store had to offer when I filled up on gas during my noon hour BUT I so graciously declined “National Ice Cream Week” at work. DQ ice cream at that. I was so tempted to get ice cream that I made a deal with myself. I would wait until the mad rush of the 4th floor grabbed theirs. If, when I went up there, that my favorite kind [a mint dilly bar] was still available, than I’d have one. Guess what? All gone. And just because the universe wanted to protect my good food day, all that was left were a few Starkiss not-really-even-ice-cream treats which I easily said “nah” to.

I kind of have to laugh at the silly hurdles I was faced with today. I opted for a salad and fat free dressing for lunch instead some kind of fast food. And not to over-complain but gross. Pre-made salads sold at work are a huge disappointment for $6. I also forgot my water bottle in my car after lunch so I relied on little Culligan cups of water for the rest of the day. I may have looked like a goober but it got the job done.

The picture attached to this post is an example of what I had for supper. We went grocery shopping after work. I decided for my first full week of “continuing my journey” that I’d be more aware of what I was buying rather than diving right in and creating unrealistic expectations for myself. Channing (my boyfriend, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned him yet) decided he wanted pizza tonight. I admit, we usually each get a full pizza and we usually each eat our own. In it’s entirety and sometimes I’m still hungry afterwards. My stomach is like a pit with no bottom. Actually typing this out knowing that I’m going to post it makes me cringe. I don’t always know what “full” feels like. Anyway — Chann’s supper started and ended like “normal.” I decided to buy light wheat english muffins, low-fat mozzarella cheese, thin sliced ham, and sauce. It definitely wasn’t a rising crust Jack’s but it was just about as delicious. It felt so rewarding to eat something that I made and made a conscious effort to put together a supper that was at the very least, better than what I usually would have had. I paired my english muffin pizzas with a side of green beans.

I’d also like to send a quick thanks to those that have reached out since I posted this blog. I’ve received a handful of tips, advice, and “you can do its!”

Ready For Week 1?

Me either. I will be weighing in weekly on Thursdays. That’ll be the day that I don’t want to but feel that I must share with you my weight. I’d like to tell you that I’m full of excitement and energy going into this first week of my blog and weigh in but I’m not.

Yesterday I went to Sonic for breakfast/lunch and had a few drinks with friends last night. Today I stuffed my face with everything Zorbaz but you know, balanced it out with a few hours of swimming. Basic math right? I had planned on going grocery shopping today to kickstart my week on a positive note but I didn’t get around to it. Too busy swimming remember. That’s okay. I’m not perfect. This isn’t going to be a perfect journey.

I plan to have oatmeal and a slice of peanut butter toast for breakfast tomorrow for “day 1.” I’ll have a shake around 10:00 and then I have nothing planned beyond that point. If I can push through the McDonalds craving I’m sure I’ll have, I hope to go down to the mez at work and grab a salad. I’ll be going to the store tomorrow right after work so I’ll probably be updating you with my progress on day 1 tomorrow.

Remember DRINK YOUR WATER! Let’s do this!

By the way, I went swimming today in public and didn’t bother caring what other people thought. Take that fat-shamers.

What To Expect.

I haven’t quite ironed that out yet. If you’re still with me, congratulations. I’m a rambler of words. Being the perfectionist that I am, I didn’t want to share this out with my family and friends until the site was “ready” by my standards. Guess what? With perfectionism comes procrastination.

SO…no the site isn’t 100% ready to rumble yet but it’s a start. If I didn’t share out what I’ve put together so far, it’d probably be another two weeks before I introduced this to you and two weeks before I began a healthier and happier lifestyle.

By the end of this month, I plan to have my Motivation and Progress pages updated which is the last step in the set up process. The progress page is going to be the most difficult. You may notice that I’ve only shared a few “selfies” to this point. And if you follow me on any social media site, it’s the same. If you’ve ever tagged me in a photo, you’ll soon see that I usually untag myself within seconds. There’s a reason I’m always the one taking the photos. The progress page is going to be what the world already sees, not what my creatively angled phone will show you. I’m not emotionally or mentally ready to share with my family, let alone the potential world, what my weight is, but I’m going to. I’m not ready to consciously allow my most embarrassing photos be published on this blog, but I have to.

I going to do it for myself. Not to prove anything to my readers, not to try and one-up the last weight-loss blogger but I need to look at myself in the mirror of the world. In the mirror at home I suck in and brainwash myself to only see my face tilted slightly down as to not see the double or triple chin of the day. I need to look at and share what I actually look like because avoiding it obviously hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

Starting Over. Again.

In June of 2014, my mom and I signed up for Jenny Craig. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Following the program off and on and often to the beat of my own drum, I lost 41 pounds between …. [checking myfitnesspal] … June 4th and October 18th. Roughly 4 ½ months. Although it wasn’t even a fraction of what I needed to lose, it’s totally worth a “fuck yes.”

For personal and career reasons, I moved to Bemidji mid-October and guess what? They didn’t have a JC. Without feeding you full of excuses that you don’t want to hear, I gained most of that weight back. I recently moved “back” to my adopted homeland of North Dakota and just this week re-joined Jenny Craig.

This time I’m going to do this different. To go along with being honest with myself and with the encouragement of my mom, I was also honest with the Jenny Craig consultant. What helped me lose the 41 pounds mid-last year wasn’t the program or the food; it was the accountability. My main reason for going to JC week after week is for the weigh-ins and pep talks; not the food.

I’ll still purchase a few of my favorite Jenny foods because well, I like some of them, but I’m not going to ever claim that Jenny Craig’s food program helped me lose weight. I’m a picky eater [go figure] so I don’t really find most of their menu very “delicious” anyways. However, I have learned from both Jenny and life that there are a few key things to be successful and stay successful when it comes to getting healthy:

  • Drink water and lots of it. The best advice I’ve gotten so far is to drink half your body weight in ounces of water EACH DAY. So if you weigh 300 pounds, you’ll be drinking 150 ounces of water today. Better start early.
  • You’ll hear me say this 70 times over but accountability is key. Regularly weighing in and reporting to someone is the single most thing that kept me trying last year.
  • Eat breakfast and fruits and veggies. Drink all that water! Consciously add in protein-rich and fiber-full foods.
  • Be as active as your body and motivation level will allow.

Losing 41 pounds last summer was in no way “easy.” Look at me, I gained it back because slowly but surely, I let all of those tips slide with time. I dived back into Mountain Dew and Snicker bar induced comas with the snap of a finger.  I can binge eat at almost any fast food restaurant you mention. It’s a disease. But I’m worth it and I can’t stop fighting.

I’m Morbidly Obese.

I hate that phrase. To me, it’s just as derogatory as n**** or cunt. Morbidly obese is the asshole way of saying “you’re disgusting and probably going to die soon.” Thanks for the death sentence Webster’s.

With my first few posts here, I just want to introduce you to who I am and as you can see; my humor (if you want to call it that) is probably a little dryer than usual. Throughout the duration of this blog, you’ll learn about “my weight loss story” so I’m not going to dive into all of those topics right now.  Feel free to navigate throughout the blog and tabs for more information about myself, my progress, motivation, and much more.

To sum myself up in a few short sentences: My name is Orianah but everyone calls me Ori. I’m a 25 year old dreamer that wants to travel the world, get married, buy a house, and have children – in that order. My mom is my biggest fan and my best friend. I love to write (blog), take photographs, and create art in multiple mediums. I’m fat, overweight, obese, whatever you want to call it. I hate the words bigger, plump, and husky because they’re insulting and you’re not “being nice” by saying it. This is my story and I hope you read every post.

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