Suicide Weight.

Suicide weight. Have you ever used this term? I have. Never aloud (until today), but I have. I should premiss by saying that I’m not and have never been suicidal. I don’t know if it’s how I was raised or the religion I was bought up in or the control I have on my mind or what.. but it’s never been a thing to me. I’ve had lows and I’ve had periods of doubts but in no world is contemplating committing suicide ever been something to realistically consider.

And I also want to say that anything I may say going forward in this post has nothing to do with whatever stereotype you think I’m associating suicide with. If suicide and the free language I associate with it following this sentence are going to be an issue for you, then I advise you stop reading. I know suicide is serious and in no way do I mean to take away from those we’ve lost to such a tragedy.

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There have been so many times throughout my life where I’d rather be die than deal with the humiliation of this or that. The fall of 5th grade specifically is the first time I literally thought I’d rather be dead in a hole with worms and bugs surrounding my corpse then put on my swimming suit over my underwear. I had my period and I didn’t do tampons.

There was also a series of times I wanted to crawl in the lonely hole I was living in following being the new kid in the middle of a semester in 9th grade. If ever there were a worse time to be the new kid on the block, let me know.

I remember being mortified when a kid in the class above me asked if I was a lesbian because I had a rainbow on my bracelet and I “look like one.” To this day, the only thing I can think of for his reasoning was because I was heavy. Obviously lesbians are not universally fat but this was the reasoning I had when I was 15.

I remember wishing I’d sink into the ground and suffer a slow quiet death when I sat on a chair in Nutrition class the 2nd year of college and it broke instantly. I was so stiff with fear wishing my heartbeat racing and the anxiety that followed would have been clear signs of a heart attack.

I remember stepping on the scale less than 30 days ago and seeing that I was 8 pounds shy from 400 and wondering where the cut-off would be before I slit my wrists and thighs in the bathroom at work. How far would I let myself go?

Today I was reminded of this recurring half-thought of suicide when a co-worker was contemplating eating a piece of banana bread but decided not to because she’s “dangerously close to suicide weight.”

Let that sink in.

I know you don’t know this woman but I love her dearly. She’s one of my favorite people that I work with. She’s a mom to 1 handsome little kiddo and she’s smarter than I’ll ever be. She’s beautiful and she’s kind. She (in her mind) is overweight I suppose. To me, she’s healthy. She doesn’t have a double chin, her boobs are bigger than her stomach, her fingers don’t absorb her wedding ring. She is fine.

But she had the willpower not to take a piece of banana bread because she hadn’t stepped on a scale in so long that she fears she’s nearing suicide weight. Can you believe it? I know the saying.. don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes but whoever you are saying that can shove a big one.

I’m sure she doesn’t know I heard her nor do I care. I don’t want people to be sensitive around me or be careful of what they say because I’m fat but this struck a nerve. I wanted to stand up and punch her square in the face. She has no idea what it’s like to be fat. Carrying around lingering baby weight 3 years after birth is not the same as what I’m carrying around. She received the gift of motherhood from her weight.

Although she said it in a completely figurative sense, what is her suicide weight? What is mine? Have people whom I know or don’t know seen me and thought to themselves.. “If I ever get that fat, kill me.”? Think about it. Have they?

They have. Because I have.

I’ve seen people.. Grotesque, gigantic people. In public and restaurants and stores. Stomachs stretching beyond the fabric of their shirts.. wobbly walking like a duck.. weighing down a scooter at Wal-Mart.. I’ve seen huge people and I’ve said that very thing to myself: Do not get like that. Do not get that big. Please, kill yourself before you get that big.

I think I suppress a lot of my feelings surrounding my weight because of this literal realization.. I don’t want to think about how big I am because I AM already. I am that huge. It’s a magical set of finely tuned movements that make sure my clothes stay in place.  I’m sweating and sticky and feel gross under my worn out body shaper, I haven’t worn jeans in over 3 years, my front butt is bigger then my real butt..

When I see photos of myself that I wasn’t in charge of taking, I want to vomit. I legit want to shove my hand so far down my throat so that I can puke all of my fat up. I want to get into a car accident on my way home and die. I want to fall in the bathtub, hit my head and never wake up.. I push these “feelings” of self-hatred and disgust down as far as they can go because I don’t want to think about how big I am.. Because I’m there. I am at my suicide weight. I’m there, guys. I can’t get any bigger. I can’t.

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Follow more of my journey on my Instagram page where I post regular happenings, weekly weigh-ins, and daily struggles @iatemylife89. (This is a private Insta account so depending on who you are, I may or may not accept your request to follow. In other words.. If you are a co-worker, long lost friend, or someone I kind of know.. you’ll have to wait until I’ve lost any weight for me to feel comfortable enough to share the worst thing about myself. #sorrynotsorry)

Gross, back to square 1.

That’s how I’ve felt for a constant three weeks. Well, probably since the beginning of the year off and on to be H. The last time our little weigh-in group met was March 4th. If not then, it was the week prior. #lifegotintheway

Weird how when we started this in September that we were pumped and excited. We met weekly with no problems. We started that page on the Facebook. I started writing this blog, documenting my journey, created a corresponding Twitter; all that jazz.

But to no avail. I’m pretty much right where I started in September. I’ve been losing and then gaining and then losing and gaining. The same never ending cycle I’ve been in since I was a kid. I’ve not reached my highest ever (thank the Lord) but I’m darn close, I’ll tell you that and it’s disappointing.

We all hate excuses but I’m pulling that card. The last few months have been especially hard because I picked up a 2nd part time job, because we’re house hunting, and because I want to enjoy my life and the people I’m with. I’ll explain.

Excuse #1 – Two Jobs: I didn’t need it to survive but I wanted it to push ahead on a few things. I want travel money and I want funds available when we find our new home. I want to be able to buy new things like furniture and also have a safe fund in case some wack-a-doodle shingle falls out of place. I want to go on a big trip with my mom again this year and I want to go on some mini-getaways with my S.O. Job #2 ends promptly and about damn time on 4/17. I’ll be glad it’s over but I’ve actually enjoyed working there and plan to go back next year.

My schedule has been bananas. I work 3-5 days a week from right after job #1 (career job) to 8 or 9 o’clock at night. I don’t really get a break since it’s such a short duration of time and food is not recommended at the front desk. I tried many many times to bring a protein bar and a fruit but that’s not a satisfying supper. I find that I stuff a bunch of BBQ Lays chips in my mouth in the back when I can dip away for a bathroom break. Which isn’t healthy. And my water routine went out the window in January. We aren’t prevented from going to the bathroom, that’d be absurd but when everyone is busy and my only two responsibilities are to greet the clients and make sure no one steals confidential information or the money, you kind of need to be there. All. The. Time.

Excuse #2 – House Hunting: Well, when I’m not working, we’re looking at houses. Simple as that. It leads to not getting home until 7 or later and while we’re both already out, who wants to start making dinner so late? Might as well go out to eat? Dumb, I know.

Excuse #3 – Enjoying Life: Unfortunately, everything having to do with everything that comes to the little social life I have revolves around food or drinking. Last night for example, was a 5:01 at a bar. Just a bar and super salty popcorn. It was a clear instance were substitutions weren’t really an option. Seeing an old friend that lives out of town? Let’s grab dinner. And here’s the kicker.. If I’m going to go to a semi-decent restaurant in this town, I’m not ever going to pay $8, $9, $10 for a salad. I’m a lettuce and french only kind of gal so there’s no way EVER that I’ll fork out my hard earned money on something I’m going to poke around and pretend to enjoy. No, this doesn’t mean I have to go nuts and order a three course meal but everywhere you go there’s temptation. Of course, the biggest resolution for these two items is to limit yourself to 2 drinks (eyeroll) and get a to-go box right away to put half your food in.

This all circles back to my initial point. Excuses. I know they’re excuses, my brain totally comprehends that. It’s just a matter of talking myself into better situations and still trying even when it’s easier to grab a bag of chips when you’re busy or eat the whole delicious hot meal in front of you or just make friends and have drinks without counting or worrying about the calories.

The fat life sucks. It’s like a nosedive off a cliff that never has water to fall into and enjoy. You. Just. Keep. Falling.

Dear Fat People?

I’m sure you’ve heard about this fat shaming controversy that just hit all your social media sites within the last couple of days. Nicole Arbour (self-proclaimed comedian, thin, white, young female) created a vlog post titled “Dear Fat People.”

Shit just hit the fan.

Now, I think the videos will speak for themselves. But I have a couple things to say. I will tell you that I saw Whitney Way Thore’s response video before I saw Nicole’s initial video. Thankfully. But even if I had seen them in the order that they were created, my feelings wouldn’t have changed.

I was offended to the point of disgust by Ms. Arbour’s video. The things she said were hurtful and full of hate. She was not being “funny,” she was not being a comedian. She was being a disgusted skinny, 30 year-old blonde brat because she thinks fat people are gross. The worst part is at the end when she tries to justify herself by saying some bullshit about “telling us because no one else will.” Saying that “we want you around as long as possible” so I just want you to know what everyone is thinking.

Thanks for that, Nicole. Like we didn’t already know what people think of us.

Your garbage of a video didn’t make me (a fat person) want to snap out of it and get healthy. It made me want to push myself into further denial and eat. I wanted to eat. Trying to counter everything you just said throughout the entire video with “we want you here longer” does not prove that you really deep down inside yourself care about our health. It doesn’t take back what you said when the fat family sat by you on an airplane.

I don’t know what the motive behind your video was other than getting a lot of hits which (CONGRATULATIONS) you received overnight fame, but fuck you.

Okay, rant over.

On the contrary, I’m so thankful that I saw Whitney’s video FIRST so that I knew someone like myself was in my corner. I don’t really need to say much about Ms. Thore. She hit every single topic on the head with her response video. Coincidentally, I recently “discovered” her show My Big Fat Fabulous Lilfe that airs on TLC Wednesday nights at 8:00. I didn’t even realize that she’s already on her 2^nd season. I can’t wait to catch up on what I’ve missed and follow her journey going forward!

Let me know what you think about both Nicole Arbour and Whitney Way Thore’s videos. My social media has blown up with people defending and debating both sides of the Arbour video and I’ve been sharing Thore’s video at every chance I can get. Thanks for reading (and watching)!

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I do want to point out, because I’m not incapable of understanding comedy, that if Nicole Arbour’s vlog would have been played out by an overweight person, it might have been received totally and completely differently. But I think that it would have also been delivered differently. Poking fun at yourself because your fat is in no way comparable to poking fun at fat people because they are fat.

Mom’s Challenge: Accepted

Last week, I wrote a post called “Fashion in a Fat World.” One of my few faithful followers (AKA, my mom) commented on it. To give you little back story, I went to the cities this past weekend. Specifically, Bloomington where the one and only Mall of America sits.

My mom challenged me to buy a new “dream outfit” that I could wear this fall. She made sure to mention that I be realistic and to not buy something that I will shrink into but something that I can look good in now. After all, I was going to be in the largest mall in America and it was Labor Day weekend. Hello sales!

It wasn’t as easy as I hoped but I did my best accepting my mom’s challenge. I went to the mall on Saturday. Out of 520+ shops in the entire Mall of America, there are only 12 that carry plus size clothing for women. TWELVE! #discouraging

I went to five of the 12. Two of which I couldn’t even find the plus size section. I didn’t bother going into the other seven due to my confidence being down and the price of the stores clothes.

I guess, obviously, my favorite store was Torrid. I’ve always liked Torrid because of the hip, young vibe they aim towards. I rarely shop at Torrid though because of the distance. On Saturday, I went in and tried on more clothes than my boyfriend had patience for. Dresses, jeggings, jeans, tops, ect. But nothing fit right. The jeans/jeggings all fit me but (weird twist) the calf and ankle area was way too big. Like thunder calves, which I’d never experienced. I’m blessed in the fact that given my overall size, my lower legs have not adopted the “fat” that the rest of my body has. (We’ll get into this in another post.)

The dresses I tried on fit me well and I felt comfortable in them until I turned around and looked in the mirror. I ballooned out like Violet on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. They didn’t look horrible, but I didn’t like what I saw.

It was frustrating because I really wanted to take my mom’s challenge and buy something for myself. Feel good about myself. Allow myself to look good at the size I’m at WHILE continuing to work on my own health.

Long story short (but it’s already long): I ended up going back to Torrid on Monday because I was determined to buy something. I even thought about buying the dresses and accepting what I saw in the mirror. The dresses were gone. (Damnit) But, I found the leggings section that I didn’t even see last time around. Three pairs of colored/patterned leggings and two sets of boot socks later, I felt good. I went on to buy myself a pair of sweet Crocs and killer high top Converse in Albertville on the way home too!

I didn’t actually get a “dream outfit” like my mom originally challenged but I did buy myself something. Something that I can actually wear now and can feel good in. Thanks mom for the challenge! And if you’re reading this, I challenge you to the same! Next time you go to Grand Forks, stop in Layne Bryant or Catherine’s and treat yourself to all the hard work you’ve put in to date. You deserve it! 🙂

Reverse Anorexia

This may turn out to be a series. I have a lot to cover and I don’t want this post to be three miles long but I do want to explain how I’m feeling to the best of my writing ability. So we’ll see what happens. I’d like to do another, similar post from the point of view of my mom if she’s up for it. 🙂

Reverse Anorexia is a term coined by my mom. This is my interpretation of it..

“Reverse Anorexia: How you feel inside and how you see yourself in the mirror doesn’t match how others see you or how you photograph.  How, when you see someone’s reflection off of glass doors and realize that it’s not someone else, it’s you. Someone unrecognizable to who you know you are. They look kind of like you. The same hair, eyes, smile, clothes even. But the person.. The fat person.. The blob.. That’s not you. It can’t be.”

The first couple photos you’ll see in this post are obviously selfies. Photos that I’ve taken of myself. Photos that I have control over. I control the light and the angle. I control my facial expression and which way my chin is pointing. I control the framing of the photo. I look boss.

I like what I see. Looking in the mirror either before or after my selfie, I like what I see for the most part. My hair is working for me today. My makeup is on-point. My eyes are beautiful, my smile is genuine. I actually like what I’m wearing which is rare because I feel like everything looks like crap on me.

But, without knowing it, I’m struggling from a case of Reverse Anorexia.

I try my very best to not be included in photos unless I’m the person taking them which results in one of two ways. 1: If it’s a killer photo, I’ll be posting it to all my social media sites. Or 2: If I look, in any way, morbidly obese. Delete.

However, sometimes I let my guard down. Sometimes I’m not in control of who is holding the camera. Sometimes, photos like you’ll see in this post are made public and I die inside. I want to make clear that it’s not any kind of depression. (I don’t buy into the hype of depression or even anxiety.)

I just die a little. That’s as simple as I can put it I guess. My heart hurts when I see photos of myself, my whole self. My stomach turns wondering how many people have seen this photo and what they thought when they saw me in it. How much I’ve changed or how bad I’ve “let myself go.”

It hits me so hard I cry sometimes. I feel disgusted, gross. I can’t believe I was out in public looking like THAT. I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that it’s not just the photo that I have an issue with; it’s me. How I look in the world. How I assume people judge me based off of how I look rather than my personality. And I’m calling bullshit if people say they don’t do that, they do. Myself included.

I honestly don’t know if I have the words to explain the emotions that I feel when pictures are taken of me and posted online. The after-effect it has on me and how it ruins the moment or the day, it’s unreal. It’s not that I don’t want to have a presence online or whatever. I do. I want people to “remember” me when I’m long gone. I’m not trying to be totally invisible; I just don’t want people to see me because I hate what I see. I love social media and photography and blogging – all that jazz. But somewhere deep, it really is painful to see what I look like in the eyes of other people. Not as a person, but as a physical form.

I know who I am as a person but not many do. I think maybe my immediate family has a pretty good idea. My mom and brothers for sure. Channing is the probably the only person that gets “Ori” 100% of the time. He gets the good, the bad, and the ugly. He gets the goofy and the obnoxious. The flirtatious and the sexy. He gets me and I adore him for it.

But sometimes, honestly – I wonder if he suffers from what my mom and I call Shallow Hal Syndrome. You’ve seen the movie. Where this guy is dating this beautiful, thin, funny, smart woman. Only to turn out that he’s the only one that sees her as beautiful and thin. In reality, she’s for lack of a better phrase; big, fat, and ugly.

So I guess what I’m wondering (in vain) is; how do you view “fat” people? Really, be honest. When you see an overweight or obese person, how do you judge us without knowing us? I really want to know.

I personally am usually very quiet when I meet new people. I’m an observer. I don’t just “click” with anyone so I don’t find it necessary to open up unless I actually see friendship a possibility.

So, when you see someone heavy, really heavy and you don’t know them, haven’t spoken much to them, a co-worker, someone at the store, whatever. Does it depend on their style? Does it depend on their behaviors? Does it depend on what they do for fun? Does it depend on who they are with?

I hope with your responses, I can get a clearer view of judgment. I, myself, judge harshly. I’ll be the first to admit it. If you look like a bitch, I’ll probably stay away from you. If you have a snotty voice, I probably will avoid talking to you. If you come off as just plain stupid, I won’t bother making nice. If you are thin, I’ll assume that you don’t want to have anything to do with fat people so I won’t even bother approaching you in fear of how you’ll view me.

Reverse Anorexia is a haunting nightmare. It’s annoying. It’s frustrating to know who you are as a person, who you see in the mirror; isn’t who the world sees.

**All photos used in this post have been taken within the last 10 months. **

 

Mortified Moment of the Week

This picture. Period. Last week, a few of us at work volunteered for the United Way stuff-a-backpack thing that they do every year. I had a good time and it was nice helping out and extending a hand in the community. It was hot and the A/C was not working but I digress.

They had a backdrop (as you can see) and some props. Of course we had to take a photo, duh. I apparently wasn’t thinking or I honestly wouldn’t have been a part of the picture. This photo was shared out on Monday on our company “Culture” page. It was shared out to the entire company. All 1,000+ employees. Ehhh 😦 It was also posted on the companies Facebook page which has who knows how many likes.

This picture is out there and I can’t remove it so I figured I’d share it with you.

I hate this photo. I hate that this is how the world sees me physically. I’ll elaborate about this topic in a future post but I feel like I’m blind as to how I look. And I’m not expecting any nor do I want any pity. I don’t want any “but you’re a beautiful person on the inside” bullshit because that’s not going to make me feel any better. This isn’t a rant in vain either. It’s a rant out of disgust. When I saw this photo pop up in my inbox at work because it was shared out (just like many other photos of company events), I was horrified. I may have even literally gasped.

But, this is what has been getting me through the week. This is what helped me say “no” to offers of food. This is what helped me say “yes” to a fitness challenge my mom and I agreed on this month. This is what is helping me stay motivated.

I hope to share and update with some more photos over the weekend. I’m calling them my “before” photos because I better have after photos and I better look damn good.

Has there been anything past or present that has hit you in the face with an “oh, shit I better get my act together” moment? I’d love to hear about it so I know that I’m not the only one.

**NOTE** The original photo has 4 people in it. I cropped this photo to be of just myself for this blog.

I Said “No”

Oh, hey! I’m really feeling great this week (and it’s only Wednesday)! Being the list-lover that I am, I kept a list of things that I normally would have said “yes” to but said “no” to and lived to tell about it. Special notice to the bold and underlined word.

1. PIZZA – Rhombus Pizza to be exact. Someone, somewhere on the 4^thfloor had a group pizza par-tay this week. And they bought too much. 2 full pizzas too much. Go figure. Yay for the rest of 4^th floor, right?! I didn’t even touch them. Pizza is on my top 5 of number 1 favorite foods but I didn’t even look at it. Winning.
2. BROWNIES – Okay, here’s a secret: I love chocolate. WHAT, you didn’t know? At this point, I allow myself a “free day” which I have decided is Saturdays. I want to be conscious of my choices but I allow myself to indulge on Saturdays. I know rewarding hard work with food is frowned upon in the health guru world but sometimes, it’s the only thing that gets me through the week — knowing that I can have something I crave on Saturday. Anyways, I made brownies last Saturday and didn’t finish them all (which is good). What that means though is that they have been on the counter staring at me every single day and I haven’t even opened the cover. Maybe they’ll be too hard to eat by Saturday. BOOM.
3. TREAT DESK – At work, right behind me. Most of the time it’s either empty or full of stuff that I don’t really like. Thank you Lord, Jesus! But this week our boss is preparing to go on vacation so she “rewarded” our hard work with yummy treats. Think Cheetos, Doritos, Tootsie Rolls, M&M’s. Wanted them. Looked at them. But haven’t eat any of it.
4. TAILGATERS – I was asked to go to lunch for the Nachos & Tots buffet at Tailgaters on Tuesday. I’m not a fan of either of those food options but I was tempted because of the social aspect of the invite. After all, I could have had soup and salad and ignored the rest of the buffet. It would have been too hard to resist though, because even though it wasn’t my favorite food, I probably still would have had tots, some variation of nachos, soup, salad, and whatever else they were serving. So, even with the peer pressure, I kindly said “No thanks.”

I know these might sound silly to some people but to me, it’s my life. A month ago I would have had 3 pieces of that leftover pizza and maybe even brought a couple for the drive home. I would have finished that pan of brownies in one sitting. I would have had who knows how many bags of chips and handfuls of candy at the treat desk. But I didn’t and I’m proud of myself for making health-conscious decisions. Very, very proud.

Weigh in day..

Phew, weigh in day is here. I was nervous because I knew I hadn’t been doing very well nutrition wise this week and knowing how the week prior went, optimism wasn’t on my side. I’ve skipped a few meals due to a busy work schedule and lack of planning. I’ve also had a few days of overeating but I did my best to maintain my water intake and do a little more natural activity than usual.

This included that hangover the next morning night but it was full of dancing and moving. I also volunteered for United Way this week which involved three hours of up, down, bending movements in an un-air-conditioned Fargodome conference room. Hello sweaty-all-over!

And guess what? Even though I’m a self-critic and seem to always find something wrong with what I do, I lost 2.6 pounds anyway! I actually high-5’d myself when I got to my car. Go me!

“Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

My mom sent me that quote today and it got me thinking. To myself and maybe even you, it might not seem like I’m making much progress but I am. Small changes over a period of time will prove that I’m making progress. Going to weigh in’s when I don’t feel like I had a good week proves progress. Volunteering for something that involved activity proves progress.

Before I started this with my mom last summer, I would have never volunteered at something like I did this week. I would have said “no way” to stepping on a scale in front of a stranger. I would have sat in my car every single lunch break until the end of time in denial while eating my number 2 cheeseburger meal at McDonalds.

I know that I’m only making small changes but I’m making changes. Changes for the better, changes in my thinking towards foods and activity, changes in my attitude. Progress is possible because I’m willing to change my mind on how I want my life to be lived.

Do you do weekly weigh-ins? I’d like to hear about your progress too!

Feeling Frustrated

I’m not feeling too hot about tomorrow’s weigh in. Last week I stayed the same from the week prior and this week I’m afraid to admit that it’ll probably be the same if not worse. I haven’t been binge eating a lot of junk food or anything but I know this week has been off food-wise.

Weird lunch breaks, volunteer work, not enough water, too lazy to go to the grocery store, ect. Being a person that strives on routine, this really puts a damper on how I figure in food from day to day. I’ve been out to eat a few times and while I’ve stayed away from my usual go-to greasy places; a Jimmy Johns sandwich sometimes isn’t much better than a burger from Mickey D’s.

Trying to get into the swing of things and wanting to live a fuller, healthier lifestyle is a lot harder this time around than last year. I can’t quite put my finger on why.

The Hurdle of the Day

After last week’s downhill slide of starch and the inability to stay focused food wise, I came to work prepared and ready to conquer this week. Except, I forgot my TV dinner on the counter at home (sorry, Lean Cuisine) and brought my salad but no container.

Guess what? Nowhere in this 5 story building filled with hundreds of people is there a paper plate or bowl. I didn’t actually go to every single level but I did check in all the common areas that I know of. Nothing. Nowhere. And I’m not about to eat like a savage out of the bag itself. It’d be wasteful.

I managed to push through my lunch without buying a pop, chips, and Kit Kat bar but I’m so hungry. I don’t know which is better: No food or junk food? Thoughts?

P.S. I did spread my snacks throughout the day but am definitely feeling the Monday blues because all I want to do is “eat, eat, eat” an actual meal.

Fat people have abdominal muscles too!

After a Saturday night of (heavy) drinking and lots of dancing, I woke up Sunday morning with a headache and a sore body. I’m 25, I should have sprung up like a sunflower as the sun rose. But I didn’t.  I really am not a partier, drinker, whatever you want to call it but I do make an exception once in a while. Then there are those that still drop it like it’s hot well into their 50’s. Whatevs.

The plus side, I guess, is that I got some hardcore physical activity in Saturday night. I don’t even know if I’ve ever had my “ab” muscles hurt like this. It’s like a good hurt though. You know what I mean? Naw I’m sayin’? The good hurt after some exercise.

Yes, I know that I don’t look like I even know what exercise is but I have had my bouts of ‘cisercising in my life. Trust me.

Anyway, half way through Monday and the muscles hidden in the deepest depths of my fat are still alive and not afraid to back down. Uh!

Introducing: Motivation!

I’ve decided to link my “Motivation to get HEALTHY!” Pinterest page to my blogs Motivation page. It only makes sense right? This way, it’ll be super easy for me to upload and re-pin motivating type inspirations to get healthy for both my readers and myself. I’ll also upload any motivating infographics that I use in this blog to my Pinterest page so it’s a catch all for all things uplifting and positive on this journey.

You can either click here or click on the Motivation tab of this blog to be redirected to my Pinterest page. Make sure to like this Pinterest board as well!

Remember, if you have any motivating tips, tricks, or exercise routines don’t be afraid to send them my way. I’ll upload it to the Pinterest page!

I hope you’re reading Krissy! Motivations are up and rarin’ to go!

The Push I Needed To Get Through A Tough Week

I just wanted to take a second to say “Thanks!” to those that have started following, liking, and commenting on my posts and blog. It gives me more motivation to not give up on myself. I apologize for being a little slow getting back to comments and messages but I’ll make it a priority to check weekly at the very least.

I was so tempted to go up town for lunch (again) because I’m still craving a stuff-your-face carb overload but because I’ve gotten some great traffic on my posts, it’s giving me the motivation to get through the day strong by sticking to my food plan for the day.

Thank you for keeping me in check!

2 Week Update

It hasn’t quite yet been two weeks but too bad. I wanted to take a minute to reflect on the first week and a half or so and how well or not well it’s been going.

1. Week 1 went awesome. I started this blog and encouraged ones I’m close with to follow me on this journey. I’m still working out the kinks and the blog isn’t fully functional yet but I’m busy you know!
2. I’m committed to entering everything into MyFitnessPal. (No matter how junkfoody) Which you’ll notice hasn’t been full of the best of the best but it’s all in there.
3. I lost 2.1 pounds my first week! (But I’ll probably be gaining this week.)
4. Going into week two hasn’t been so easy. I’m not giving up. I’m still entering all my information and making a point to send updates through my blog but I’m just not feeling it this week.

I admit, the Street Fair food definitely put a dent into my routine. And I haven’t been able to get into the swing of things since then. This weekend, we’ll be heading out of town for a wedding and a night full of drinks I’m sure.

I’m not going to quit though and I’m not going to fill you with excuses. This is part of the journey, I figure. I’ll learn eventually. I know that I need to cut back and not overindulge but it’s a tough balance when I want to go out and about to do things or be with people. One day at a time.

Also, this will probably be my last post until after the weekend. Talk to you Sunday!

Starvin’ Marvin

I’ve been having a tough time staying on track since late last week. Friday started with street fair food and Saturday involved some more. I did get some physical activity in for the first time since kick-starting my journey again so it wasn’t a total loss.

I’ll probably mention it time and time again but I’m a creature of habit. So in desperate need of a lazy Sunday and than having Monday off to catch up on some errands; I haven’t done the greatest at much food-wise. I haven’t been not trying to eat healthy but I haven’t been trying either. I don’t want to give myself too much slack but at the same time I don’t want to get into the habit of beating myself up over a “bad food day.” Giving myself too many cheat days too often will never get me to my goal of living a healthier lifestyle.

Today, for example. I brought all my food into work, started out well drinking my water; ect. But I’m hungry. Probably some kind of withdrawal from street fair food and pizza over the weekend. I just want to eat candy and carbs. I’ve tried drinking more water to mask “fullness” but it hasn’t been working.

I’ll get this down. I know I will. I just need to light the fire within me instead of expecting it to catch a spark all on it’s own.

How do you get through junk days?

Deep Fried Snickers

The Fargo-Moorhead Street Fair is in town and aside from beautiful works of art, fun things to do, and entertaining people all around – there is food. And lots of it.

If I’m going to ever going to find happiness loving myself and eventually getting to a happier, healthier weight; I’m going to have to be allowed to let myself live and partake in all that anyone else is “allowed” to do. That means that I’m not going to be ashamed that I had deep fried snickers and a chocolate marshmallow shake for lunch. Heck yes I did, it’s the Street Fair! And I’m not going to pass up on an opportunity to bond with my co-workers. I’m new to town so I’m going to take every opportunity I can, to try and make friends.

“But you didn’t have to get DEEP FRIED SNICKERS?” you say. No. But I wanted to and I’m okay with that. I’m not beating myself up for it and that’s what matters. And honestly, if the scale reflects that next week, it’s a chance I’m going to have to take.

I know that it’s so early into my “journey” or whatever but I think that it’s okay to have indulgences with moderation. I know this probably sounds extremely naive and even ignorant but I don’t want to live in a world where I’m going to have to 100% of the time sacrifice the one thing that keeps me alive; food.

Besides – going to the street fair and stuffing my face got me out of the office and off my butt for a while. I got some much needed Vitamin D, I was dripping in sweat, AND I got a nice walk in; something that I wouldn’t have done if I would have stayed at work for lunch. So there.

Down 2.1!

First weigh in since I started this journey and I’m down 2.1 pounds! Can I get a “what what!?” Considering that I didn’t really put a lot of effort into getting this going until Monday of this week, I consider this a huge win! Just imagine if I would have “tried” as soon as I had weighed in the week prior.

I have been debating on sharing my current weight with this blog. I’ve decided that I’m going to “weight” until I’ve been able to provide positive results for a little while. I know that I don’t need to share and I don’t even know how many people will come across this blog but sharing my weight is going to be mentally draining and unbearably embarrassing. I’ve been obsessing over it since I mentioned possibly sharing it in a few posts ago.

I’m very close with my mom and we share the same struggle with getting healthy and have for a long time and I won’t even tell her what I weigh. One thing that we both know is that it’s more than her. So there’s that.

One of the first things I said when starting this blog and doing the research on a weight-loss blog was to not promise anything. I can’t promise you that I’ll stick with this and I can’t promise you when I will divulge my weight. But contrary to what I just said, because this is about weight-loss and a journey, I can promise you that as long as I stick with this road to a healthier lifestyle, I will share my start weight and my weekly progress. I just cannot promise you when.

But, enough about that. I’m down 2.1 and that’s awesome!

Mid-Day Slump

Half way through day two is making me as groggy as ever. While day three has a lot of positives like fruits, veggies, and protein – the caffeine withdrawal is definitely kicking my ass.

Thankfully it’s not as bad as it has been the past 30 times I’ve tried to cut back on the sugar high. Over a number of times in my life including the last 6 months or so I was used to having whatever size pop came with my drive-thru meal. I’d also usually have a can of pop sometime in the evening because my boyfriend makes his daily snus trip to the nearby convenience store. I probably shouldn’t leave out that I’ve saved about $10 in the last few days because I haven’t bought my usual 1-3 candy bars each day.

The positives outweigh the negatives right? I’ll keep telling myself that until I really believe it. (I know it’s true, I’m just cranky.)

Although pop and candy free day number two hasn’t given me a headache, it has made me want to go home. I’m ready for bed. I’m tired and I don’t feel like dealing with people.

Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if I pee my pants this week. I’m making a great effort to get half my weight in ounces of water in and in case you’re wondering, that’s a lot. I’ve made more trips to the bathroom than I have gotten emails today.

How do you push through a mid-afternoon slump?

MyFitnessPal

I’ve always been a fan of MyFitnessPal. I’ve actually always been a fan of writing everything down line by line so when MFP became a thing; it was totally up my alley. I admit that I’ve only used it in my health nut spurts. In the past if I had a “free” day, I’d either skip entering into MFP completely or enter in a made-up day just to make it look like I was on a streak of entering. Yes, another mind game I fool myself into believing. Forgive me.

Fear not, I’m changing my ways! I want this journey to be invasive. Ultimately, I want to not only help myself but to help someone else and that’s why I want this process or story or whatever to be open with no loop holes or hidden agendas.

With that, I’ve decided on two things:

1. MyFitnessPal diary entries are now public. (Scary!) This means that you can see what I eat and around when I eat. You’ll be able to see the portion sizes, the nutrition facts, and the brands and kinds of things I buy. There may be an occasion where I will have to guess (like yesterday’s lunch was a pre-packaged salad from a local caterer) but I’ll do my best.
2. I’m going to log my entries every day, baby! Even on my cheat days and busy days. I am making it a priority to log in what I’m eating. And you better believe that I’ll have cheat days. I’m human. I wonder if making it a priority to log EVERYTHING, that I’ll be more conscious of my choices knowing that I’m letting other people see instead of sneaking things in.

I should warn you though, that I’m a creature of habit. I’m unapologetically a picky eater so you won’t see any crazy wacked out recipes or food concoctions. I’m kind of boring and I like routine. I’ll probably rotate between two or three breakfasts. My snacks will almost always be the same every day. My lunches will usually be a salad and a TV dinner of some sort. The only variety you may see will be in my dinners.

I’m a simpleton when it comes to my menu. I don’t want to have to think about it. The more work I have to put into planning a meal, the less likely I’ll even do it. I do love cooking and baking though so hopefully I won’t be too bland.

If you’re interested in seeing what I am putting into my mouth, click here. If it doesn’t give you a breakdown like I think it should, let me know. I believe you have to have a MyFitnessPal account in order to view it.

Do you use any food or nutrition tracking apps? What do you use and why?

When I Was At The Grocery Store..

When I was at the grocery store this evening, I couldn’t help but have these thoughts constantly running through my mind: “Ugh, I want poptarts. I’ll never get to have poptarts again…a full Pizza Corner pizza get in my belly! 900 calories? Who cares….SMORE’S are on sale and I need them…cheddar cheesy bratwursts, yes!”

What a mind fuck.

I want to live in a world were I can be in control of what I put into my mouth. I want to be able to eat whatever I want within reason and be able to just have one serving size instead of quadrupling whatever the packages say. I don’t know if that’s even possible, really.

My boyfriend is very supportive and going to help me the best he can on this journey but I can just as easily manipulate him as I can myself. I can tell him one minute to not offer me any of whatever he’s eating, so he won’t. Then ten minutes later, I’ll ask for some. He’ll remind me of what I made him promise but I somehow can weasel my way into the crust or just one bite or just one slice.

My self control was in check today (thankfully) but the grocery store trip was a bitch after being hungry from a lack of food/planning today and wanting to eat everything I saw.

Do you give into your temporary food cravings? What do you do to keep your salivary glands preoccupied until it passes?

I’m In Charge Of My Choices.

I’m feeling good after an unorganized (which is out of my character) and busy Monday. As I mentioned yesterday, I hadn’t bought groceries yet thus leading to an unplanned day of food. I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear that I gave myself a “hell ya” pat on the back today.

Not only did I walk right past the delicious deep friend smells that Casey’s General Store had to offer when I filled up on gas during my noon hour BUT I so graciously declined “National Ice Cream Week” at work. DQ ice cream at that. I was so tempted to get ice cream that I made a deal with myself. I would wait until the mad rush of the 4th floor grabbed theirs. If, when I went up there, that my favorite kind [a mint dilly bar] was still available, than I’d have one. Guess what? All gone. And just because the universe wanted to protect my good food day, all that was left were a few Starkiss not-really-even-ice-cream treats which I easily said “nah” to.

I kind of have to laugh at the silly hurdles I was faced with today. I opted for a salad and fat free dressing for lunch instead some kind of fast food. And not to over-complain but gross. Pre-made salads sold at work are a huge disappointment for $6. I also forgot my water bottle in my car after lunch so I relied on little Culligan cups of water for the rest of the day. I may have looked like a goober but it got the job done.

The picture attached to this post is an example of what I had for supper. We went grocery shopping after work. I decided for my first full week of “continuing my journey” that I’d be more aware of what I was buying rather than diving right in and creating unrealistic expectations for myself. Channing (my boyfriend, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned him yet) decided he wanted pizza tonight. I admit, we usually each get a full pizza and we usually each eat our own. In it’s entirety and sometimes I’m still hungry afterwards. My stomach is like a pit with no bottom. Actually typing this out knowing that I’m going to post it makes me cringe. I don’t always know what “full” feels like. Anyway — Chann’s supper started and ended like “normal.” I decided to buy light wheat english muffins, low-fat mozzarella cheese, thin sliced ham, and sauce. It definitely wasn’t a rising crust Jack’s but it was just about as delicious. It felt so rewarding to eat something that I made and made a conscious effort to put together a supper that was at the very least, better than what I usually would have had. I paired my english muffin pizzas with a side of green beans.

I’d also like to send a quick thanks to those that have reached out since I posted this blog. I’ve received a handful of tips, advice, and “you can do its!”

Ready For Week 1?

Me either. I will be weighing in weekly on Thursdays. That’ll be the day that I don’t want to but feel that I must share with you my weight. I’d like to tell you that I’m full of excitement and energy going into this first week of my blog and weigh in but I’m not.

Yesterday I went to Sonic for breakfast/lunch and had a few drinks with friends last night. Today I stuffed my face with everything Zorbaz but you know, balanced it out with a few hours of swimming. Basic math right? I had planned on going grocery shopping today to kickstart my week on a positive note but I didn’t get around to it. Too busy swimming remember. That’s okay. I’m not perfect. This isn’t going to be a perfect journey.

I plan to have oatmeal and a slice of peanut butter toast for breakfast tomorrow for “day 1.” I’ll have a shake around 10:00 and then I have nothing planned beyond that point. If I can push through the McDonalds craving I’m sure I’ll have, I hope to go down to the mez at work and grab a salad. I’ll be going to the store tomorrow right after work so I’ll probably be updating you with my progress on day 1 tomorrow.

Remember DRINK YOUR WATER! Let’s do this!

By the way, I went swimming today in public and didn’t bother caring what other people thought. Take that fat-shamers.

What To Expect.

I haven’t quite ironed that out yet. If you’re still with me, congratulations. I’m a rambler of words. Being the perfectionist that I am, I didn’t want to share this out with my family and friends until the site was “ready” by my standards. Guess what? With perfectionism comes procrastination.

SO…no the site isn’t 100% ready to rumble yet but it’s a start. If I didn’t share out what I’ve put together so far, it’d probably be another two weeks before I introduced this to you and two weeks before I began a healthier and happier lifestyle.

By the end of this month, I plan to have my Motivation and Progress pages updated which is the last step in the set up process. The progress page is going to be the most difficult. You may notice that I’ve only shared a few “selfies” to this point. And if you follow me on any social media site, it’s the same. If you’ve ever tagged me in a photo, you’ll soon see that I usually untag myself within seconds. There’s a reason I’m always the one taking the photos. The progress page is going to be what the world already sees, not what my creatively angled phone will show you. I’m not emotionally or mentally ready to share with my family, let alone the potential world, what my weight is, but I’m going to. I’m not ready to consciously allow my most embarrassing photos be published on this blog, but I have to.

I going to do it for myself. Not to prove anything to my readers, not to try and one-up the last weight-loss blogger but I need to look at myself in the mirror of the world. In the mirror at home I suck in and brainwash myself to only see my face tilted slightly down as to not see the double or triple chin of the day. I need to look at and share what I actually look like because avoiding it obviously hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

Starting Over. Again.

In June of 2014, my mom and I signed up for Jenny Craig. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Following the program off and on and often to the beat of my own drum, I lost 41 pounds between …. [checking myfitnesspal] … June 4^th and October 18^th. Roughly 4 ½ months. Although it wasn’t even a fraction of what I needed to lose, it’s totally worth a “fuck yes.”

For personal and career reasons, I moved to Bemidji mid-October and guess what? They didn’t have a JC. Without feeding you full of excuses that you don’t want to hear, I gained most of that weight back. I recently moved “back” to my adopted homeland of North Dakota and just this week re-joined Jenny Craig.

This time I’m going to do this different. To go along with being honest with myself and with the encouragement of my mom, I was also honest with the Jenny Craig consultant. What helped me lose the 41 pounds mid-last year wasn’t the program or the food; it was the accountability. My main reason for going to JC week after week is for the weigh-ins and pep talks; not the food.

I’ll still purchase a few of my favorite Jenny foods because well, I like some of them, but I’m not going to ever claim that Jenny Craig’s food program helped me lose weight. I’m a picky eater [go figure] so I don’t really find most of their menu very “delicious” anyways. However, I have learned from both Jenny and life that there are a few key things to be successful and stay successful when it comes to getting healthy:

• Drink water and lots of it. The best advice I’ve gotten so far is to drink half your body weight in ounces of water EACH DAY. So if you weigh 300 pounds, you’ll be drinking 150 ounces of water today. Better start early.
• You’ll hear me say this 70 times over but accountability is key. Regularly weighing in and reporting to someone is the single most thing that kept me trying last year.
• Eat breakfast and fruits and veggies. Drink all that water! Consciously add in protein-rich and fiber-full foods.
• Be as active as your body and motivation level will allow.

Losing 41 pounds last summer was in no way “easy.” Look at me, I gained it back because slowly but surely, I let all of those tips slide with time. I dived back into Mountain Dew and Snicker bar induced comas with the snap of a finger.  I can binge eat at almost any fast food restaurant you mention. It’s a disease. But I’m worth it and I can’t stop fighting.

I’m Morbidly Obese.

I hate that phrase. To me, it’s just as derogatory as n**** or cunt. Morbidly obese is the asshole way of saying “you’re disgusting and probably going to die soon.” Thanks for the death sentence Webster’s.

With my first few posts here, I just want to introduce you to who I am and as you can see; my humor (if you want to call it that) is probably a little dryer than usual. Throughout the duration of this blog, you’ll learn about “my weight loss story” so I’m not going to dive into all of those topics right now.  Feel free to navigate throughout the blog and tabs for more information about myself, my progress, motivation, and much more.

To sum myself up in a few short sentences: My name is Orianah but everyone calls me Ori. I’m a 25 year old dreamer that wants to travel the world, get married, buy a house, and have children – in that order. My mom is my biggest fan and my best friend. I love to write (blog), take photographs, and create art in multiple mediums. I’m fat, overweight, obese, whatever you want to call it. I hate the words bigger, plump, and husky because they’re insulting and you’re not “being nice” by saying it. This is my story and I hope you read every post.