Update on the BCP

It hasn’t been quite a week yet and I have a follow up appointment on the 9th of November (my birthday) with my doctor. So far, I haven’t felt any different taking birth control but I am noticing acne. [Insert Sad Emoji Here]

Usually, when I get my period, I get one pimple, a zit, whatever. One! And it’s always in the same spot. Always! To the right and just below the crease of my lip. Like a reverse Marilyn piercing. Well, with this period and first set of BCP’s, I have 6. 6!

[Insert 15 more Sad Emoji’s]

A face full of freckles aside, I’ve always had clear skin with the exception of that one pimple and maybe an occasional white head during the hot and sweaty summer months. I’ve always felt fortunate that I didn’t have to struggle with acne on top of the other things I struggled with.

I’m going to discuss my concerns with the NP when I meet with her again in a couple of weeks. I hope that this minor acne goes away just as quickly as they came on [which was practically overnight].

Oh, also. The main reason I have this follow up is because my pap smear results were unreadable due to a lack of cells on the swab. This birthday is going to be fantastic. Not.

To be continued.

The BCP

Day 1 of birth control. Whelp.

I finally got my period today which means I popped a pill TAH-DAY. According to my Glow app, it was 10 days late. Which sadly, has been the norm since about March. At this point, over brief discussion with my NP, it’s been concluded that it may be due to excessive weight gain, unhealthy habits, and maybe a job change or two (syncing up with other female organisms).

The docs solution? Taking birth control to regulate my periods. Over the last 6-9 months I’ve gotten my periods. Some have been on time clocking in at 29 days. Some of been 6 weeks. This last one was 10 days late and between April and June, I only had one period. So, I’m kind of out of whack I guess.

I’m not excited about the possible side effects of birth control. As mentioned in a previous post, I’m weary because I gained nearly 50 pounds in less than 9 months the last and only time I’d tried it. I took it for about a year before deciding to quit.

Unfortunately, birth control is a trial and error thing which is really shady in the 21^st century.  If this one doesn’t work for me (weight gain, mood swings, ect) then back in I go and try another pill. I hate that concept.

But I’m not oblivious to the good things the BCP can do for me. My periods will become regular and I will be less susceptible to a pregnancy. Although I’d love to start a family [3 years ago], it’s not wise at my current weight to become pregnant.

For those pro other birth control methods; we talked about those too. I’m not opposed to the rings/IUDs. I actually think those are spectacular options but I really don’t want long term. My weight loss story will be long  term and the amount of time it’ll realistically take for me to lose all the weight I want to lose will probably take 2 years if not 3 or even 4 but I don’t want to be on BC if I don’t have to be.

When the doctor says it’s safe for me to become pregnant, I want to stop taking the pills. This doesn’t mean that I’ll try to get pregnant immediately; it will depend on where I’m at in my life and on my journey to health.

I think the whole ‘not wanting to take birth control pills’ thing has to do with my dad. And on the same line of things; I don’t want to be on any kind of medication. My whole life, it seems like my dad’s been pumped up with medicine so much that it’s coming out of his eye sockets.

I love my dad dearly but I don’t want to ever have to rely on medication long term unless absolutely necessary and it’s really hard for me to believe that it’s absolutely necessary for him to be on however many prescriptions he has in his name. I think he actually has a bag to hold them all.

Anyway, dose 1 of BC is complete.

The Results Are In

Alright, I plan to sum this up the best I can so not to bore you. At my appointment, I had blood-work done to see where I was all around and to have a starting point going forward as I should probably be getting a wellness check at least once a year.

They tested everything under the sun from what I can see. Nearly 50 line items if I’m counting right. Everything from glucose levels to potassium to testosterone to blood cell counts. They posted the standard range numbers along with my readings. I’m not sure what the standard ranges are based off of. I’m assuming it has to do with age and/or demographic?

Anyway, I was both relieved and kind of surprised by the results. Given my weight as my biggest give-away, the only real concern is my LDL Cholesterol level. The standard range is 66-130 mg/dL and my reading was 178.

Everything else, including my blood sugar and blood pressure readings, were all in the standard range. I was most afraid of the diabetes talk. Just because my readings are good now doesn’t mean I’m out of the clear. What it means is that I’m golden today. I still need to work on my health to keep me in the clear.

I am also still very worried about my ability to conceive and my irregular periods*. We talked about it during my appointment. Although I’m perfectly aware that having or carrying a child at my current weight is really a bad idea; it concerns me that I’ve never gotten pregnant. I haven’t been on birth control for years and we all know that the ‘pull-out’ method isn’t really birth control.

At this point, the NP that I saw prescribed me birth control pills to start once my next period begins. This should help regulate my periods and ensure that I don’t get pregnant at my current weight. I’m nervous about weight gain and the hormone levels with the BCP. The reason I stopped taking birth control years ago was because of quick and excessive weight gain.

Once I come in for a follow up appointment in 6 months and have lost some more weight, we will dive into the ability to conceive down the road. Of course I’m still nervous because being a mom is what I’ve always dreamed of but I’m willing to press pause on the issue for 6 months and really focus on my health.

Back to the cholesterol reading — This we will address in 6 months as well. Repeating the above paragraph; I’m going to continue to work on my health. Watching the butter, cheese, and saturated fat intake will be key. It will be hard but I’m worth it. Right?

Do you have high cholesterol? I plan on looking for some tips and tricks online and I’ll be sure to post them. I’d love to hear what your thoughts are on lowering cholesterol. If you have stats, articles, or fun graphics to share – send them my way.

*My periods have been normal and on time since the age of 11 when I first got my period. As of the last 6-9 months, they’ve still come but they’ve been less frequent and much heavier. I can elaborate in another post down the road.

Tuesday, October 13th

I went to the doctor today. Remember? I told you I would. The week leading up to my appointment I over analyzed to the extreme. On a very rare occasion, I experienced extreme anxiety. My stomach had been in knots. Every time I’d think about the upcoming appointment, I wanted to puke.

As you may remember, I’ve never been seen for a physical and/or wellness exam as an adult. I’ve never had a pelvic exam, I’ve only had blood withdrawn once. Oh, and I’m nearly a million* pounds.

My biggest and most frightening concerns were/are as follows in no particular order:

What if I’m not normal? I have to get naked? Nope. What if I can’t have children? Have I had a miscarriage? My period is 3 days late already. What if she doesn’t want to practice medicine after seeing me? I’m sure my blood pressure will be through the roof, it always is because I’m so nervous. Shit, what’s my family history? I’m going to die for sure now. I’m sure my cholesterol is high. What if I have too much testosterone? How am I going to fast until 3:00 PM? I’m going to faint. Pretty sure I’m going to get a safe sex lecture. I hope she’ll be glad to know I’ve only had 1 sexual partner. That should count for something, right? I know I said this already but really, what if I’m not normal? What if I smell weird?  Do I have PCOS? What if I have diabetes? Or a heart condition? I can’t do this.

Guess what though? I did it. The NP that my aunt had recommended and her LPN were great. I mean for as great as an appointment like that can go, right? We talked about some of the concerns I had including child bearing, periods, weight, and my future. I had a pelvic/pap smear exam and 3 vials of blood drawn for multiple blood tests. Once the results are in, I’ll let you know what’s up.

I survived. Thank you, Krissy.

*Sorry, I still can’t bear to post my actual weight

The Weight Is Over

This is what I was talking about a few weeks ago. We started a Facebook group called “The Weight Is Over.” Right now, it’s an invitation only group. I know that sounds annoying, but it’s for a perfectly good reason.

The Weight Is Over is about a personal experience, your personal experience. It’s about motivating each other and being accountable for yourself and your health. It’s about positivity and most of all, it’s about support. Right now, we have about 8 people in the group. We post our struggles and our motivators. We post healthy meals and challenge each other. We motivate through words and photos, we praise and encourage each other, and we are there when the day ended up being a thousand-calories-over bender. We are providing accountability no matter the distance.

And the main reason (I believe) that this is going to work is because the 8 people that are currently in the group really are ready to take control of their health. They are ready to put the effort in. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be slips. Everyone has a junk day sooner or later. But what’s important is that your head is in the game enough to keep going. One “bad” meal doesn’t mean your day is ruined.

We’re not about any specific kind of diet or regimen. You can do whatever works for you as long as you do it. We want to remind each other not to beat ourselves up either. This is about a lifestyle change. There is going to be cake and there are going to be lazy days but we want to condition ourselves to live life to the fullest while practicing moderation instead of restricting ourselves to everything and beating ourselves up over it when you fall off the wagon.

And speaking of wagons, there is no such thing as falling off the wagon in “The Weight Is Over.” The only button we have is the “You Can Do It” one.

Once we gain some success within our group and add more and more people down the road, this might become public. I really want to reach and motivate people including myself. What I don’t want is for this to become another Facebook group that thousands of people are in but no one is actually getting anything from it. We want people to feel personally included and respected – Not just another number.

If you find yourself wanting to know more or would like to be a part of this group, contact me by emailing me or clicking here. Tell me a little about yourself and why you’d be interested in joining our group. Remember, our purpose is to support one another and anyone not interested in doing so should have stopped reading the second you happened across this page.

Thanks for reading and as always, I’ll keep you updated!

I’m Going To The Doctor and I’m…Going To Be Seen

In case you don’t hear the music playing in my head, the title of this post is sang to the tune of Chapel of Love by The Dixie Cups.

As a 20-something adult woman, I’ve never been to the doctor other than an acute sickness like bronchitis, poison ivy, or strep. Actually, those three things are the only things I’ve been to the doctor for in the last 10 years.

There was a brief moment where I went in and was prescribed with diet pills that worked for a little bit. There was also that time I was going to go into the OB/GYN for the first time but before even hearing my concerns the woman suggested gastric bypass. Me, being better with words on paper than in person just got up and left. Screw you. Since then, I haven’t been seen by a doctor and that was about 3 years ago.

So, when my aunt Krissy suggested I go to the doctor for a physical/wellness exam; I kind of laughed to myself. No. Doctors are dense.

1. I’ve never in my life ever had a pelvic exam or have been seen by an OB/GYN (other than the 2 minute “Hi, Bye” scenario in 2012. And I’m not going through that again.
2. The doctors I’ve been to have all let me down. I feel like they only see a big tub of lard and only focus on the diabetes speech.
3. I’m grossly overweight and have zero intention on stripping down naked and spreading my legs. I know it’s not on the top of the list for any woman but add 200 pounds to your current weight and image how you’d feel.
4. Not doing it.

But, keeping my emotions as in check as I could and knowing that Krissy really wants the best for me and my health, I agreed. I made an appointment with a Nurse Practitioner that she had suggested. My appointment is on Tuesday, October 13 at 3:00 PM. Stay tuned for a couple blog posts I’ll dub “Tuesday, October 13” and “The Results Are In.”

Here’s An Update, Kinda

Wow, hey! I haven’t gone into much detail about what I’m “doing” these days health-wise. So I suppose I should fill you in a little. I was going to Jenny Craig for accountability. I wasn’t really getting much of their food and ended up determining that it was too stressful to go there weekly and get the scripted statements they give me week after week. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

So, after gaining whatever it was that I had re-lost over a 3 week period, I gained it all back. #frustrating #selfsabotage

BUT, in the meantime I’ve been working on something new. I’ve done a little “soul” searching I guess you could say over the last month or so. Think along the lines of: What am I doing? Where am I going? Why am I not happy? What do I want to be doing that I physically can’t? You get the picture.

After a long Labor Day weekend of passing by many amusement park rides and wanting so badly to ride every single one like a little kid; I couldn’t because I knew I exceeded the weight restrictions. Talk about a whiff of realization. Take that, added to the semi-successful but very emotional shopping experience I had; it really hit me that I need to get my act together. (For the millionth time)

That’s probably why I fall out of motivation, because I don’t go anywhere. I stay hidden because I don’t like the glaring realization that I’m morbidly and unhealthily obese. Literally. If I don’t go anywhere, slowly but surely I will forget and fall into old habbits. Hmm.

Those examples above are just a few reasons that gave me a boost of motivation. I recently paired up with my aunt, Krissy and a friend of hers. We decided to begin weighing in on a weekly basis in a non-judgmental, do-whatever-health-kick-you-feel-like zone. If you want to do Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, MyFitnessPal, Slim Fast, whatever. Go for it.

At this point, we’re in the very early stages of what this is or could possibly be.  I don’t want to go into much detail at this point. Right now, we’ve just started with our group of 3 here in the Fargo metro area with the weekly weigh-ins. I’ve included my mom on the topics of discussion and attempting to provide encouragement and Krissy has been doing the same with her sister and my aunt, Karen.

How was week one? Great! At weight in, I lost 4 pounds. #yessir  I’m proud of myself but I’m realistic going forward. Usually, for me, the first week is always the week that I see a big drop. A drastic change in what I’m doing from the week prior is obviously going to reflect on the scale either way.

Over the last week, I went on 4 walks at a minimum of 30 minutes. I lifted 2 pound weights while watching the morning news and I’ve been drinking lots and lots of water. I also dug out my fitbit that I bought some time ago and strapped that pink beaut onto my wrist.

I’ll be sure to fill you in on this new path of the long journey I’ve begun again. Once I’ve really put in some good honest hard work in and actually proven to myself that I can stick with this for more than a month; I’ll elaborate on everything that we’ve put together.  In the meantime, don’t give up because you are SO worth it.

Dear Fat People?

I’m sure you’ve heard about this fat shaming controversy that just hit all your social media sites within the last couple of days. Nicole Arbour (self-proclaimed comedian, thin, white, young female) created a vlog post titled “Dear Fat People.”

Shit just hit the fan.

Now, I think the videos will speak for themselves. But I have a couple things to say. I will tell you that I saw Whitney Way Thore’s response video before I saw Nicole’s initial video. Thankfully. But even if I had seen them in the order that they were created, my feelings wouldn’t have changed.

I was offended to the point of disgust by Ms. Arbour’s video. The things she said were hurtful and full of hate. She was not being “funny,” she was not being a comedian. She was being a disgusted skinny, 30 year-old blonde brat because she thinks fat people are gross. The worst part is at the end when she tries to justify herself by saying some bullshit about “telling us because no one else will.” Saying that “we want you around as long as possible” so I just want you to know what everyone is thinking.

Thanks for that, Nicole. Like we didn’t already know what people think of us.

Your garbage of a video didn’t make me (a fat person) want to snap out of it and get healthy. It made me want to push myself into further denial and eat. I wanted to eat. Trying to counter everything you just said throughout the entire video with “we want you here longer” does not prove that you really deep down inside yourself care about our health. It doesn’t take back what you said when the fat family sat by you on an airplane.

I don’t know what the motive behind your video was other than getting a lot of hits which (CONGRATULATIONS) you received overnight fame, but fuck you.

Okay, rant over.

On the contrary, I’m so thankful that I saw Whitney’s video FIRST so that I knew someone like myself was in my corner. I don’t really need to say much about Ms. Thore. She hit every single topic on the head with her response video. Coincidentally, I recently “discovered” her show My Big Fat Fabulous Lilfe that airs on TLC Wednesday nights at 8:00. I didn’t even realize that she’s already on her 2^nd season. I can’t wait to catch up on what I’ve missed and follow her journey going forward!

Let me know what you think about both Nicole Arbour and Whitney Way Thore’s videos. My social media has blown up with people defending and debating both sides of the Arbour video and I’ve been sharing Thore’s video at every chance I can get. Thanks for reading (and watching)!

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I do want to point out, because I’m not incapable of understanding comedy, that if Nicole Arbour’s vlog would have been played out by an overweight person, it might have been received totally and completely differently. But I think that it would have also been delivered differently. Poking fun at yourself because your fat is in no way comparable to poking fun at fat people because they are fat.

Mom’s Challenge: Accepted

Last week, I wrote a post called “Fashion in a Fat World.” One of my few faithful followers (AKA, my mom) commented on it. To give you little back story, I went to the cities this past weekend. Specifically, Bloomington where the one and only Mall of America sits.

My mom challenged me to buy a new “dream outfit” that I could wear this fall. She made sure to mention that I be realistic and to not buy something that I will shrink into but something that I can look good in now. After all, I was going to be in the largest mall in America and it was Labor Day weekend. Hello sales!

It wasn’t as easy as I hoped but I did my best accepting my mom’s challenge. I went to the mall on Saturday. Out of 520+ shops in the entire Mall of America, there are only 12 that carry plus size clothing for women. TWELVE! #discouraging

I went to five of the 12. Two of which I couldn’t even find the plus size section. I didn’t bother going into the other seven due to my confidence being down and the price of the stores clothes.

I guess, obviously, my favorite store was Torrid. I’ve always liked Torrid because of the hip, young vibe they aim towards. I rarely shop at Torrid though because of the distance. On Saturday, I went in and tried on more clothes than my boyfriend had patience for. Dresses, jeggings, jeans, tops, ect. But nothing fit right. The jeans/jeggings all fit me but (weird twist) the calf and ankle area was way too big. Like thunder calves, which I’d never experienced. I’m blessed in the fact that given my overall size, my lower legs have not adopted the “fat” that the rest of my body has. (We’ll get into this in another post.)

The dresses I tried on fit me well and I felt comfortable in them until I turned around and looked in the mirror. I ballooned out like Violet on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. They didn’t look horrible, but I didn’t like what I saw.

It was frustrating because I really wanted to take my mom’s challenge and buy something for myself. Feel good about myself. Allow myself to look good at the size I’m at WHILE continuing to work on my own health.

Long story short (but it’s already long): I ended up going back to Torrid on Monday because I was determined to buy something. I even thought about buying the dresses and accepting what I saw in the mirror. The dresses were gone. (Damnit) But, I found the leggings section that I didn’t even see last time around. Three pairs of colored/patterned leggings and two sets of boot socks later, I felt good. I went on to buy myself a pair of sweet Crocs and killer high top Converse in Albertville on the way home too!

I didn’t actually get a “dream outfit” like my mom originally challenged but I did buy myself something. Something that I can actually wear now and can feel good in. Thanks mom for the challenge! And if you’re reading this, I challenge you to the same! Next time you go to Grand Forks, stop in Layne Bryant or Catherine’s and treat yourself to all the hard work you’ve put in to date. You deserve it! 🙂

Fashion in a Fat World

Looking at me from a fashion standpoint, you may or may not (depending on who you are) think that I don’t care either way about fashion.

For the most part, I don’t wear the latest trends. I think I rotate between 6 or 7 tops, and 3 pairs of bottoms all of which are leggings. I only have 2 or 3 pair of shoes that I wear and I accessorize with 1 of 10 scarves. My makeup is minimal and my hair is either up in a high top bun or down with natural waves.

Why am I telling you this? Because fashion in a fat world sucks. There are a lot of trends that have come and gone over the years that I love! Many of which I’ve never gotten the opportunity to either embrace or purchase or whatever mostly in part due to my size (and sometimes my wallet).

There are big and beautiful women out there like Melissa McCarthy, Rebel Wilson, Gabourey Sidibe, Adele, ect who rock it. No matter what the fashion trend, they own the shit out of it. BUT(#sorrynotsorry) they are loaded and can afford to have someone creatively and beautifully dress them or make something for them or shop for them. They also (I think) take care of themselves a lot better than I do. They don’t appear to be as “blubbery” as I do. If that makes sense.

I know there are trendy stores for people my size but I find that almost every store falls into one of these categories:

1. Price – Everything is expensive. If I want the exact same pair of leggings that my friend got at Target for $9.99, I’d have to go to Torrid and spend $34.95. And shirts? $22 for a tank top cami? Screw that.
2. Size – This is for everyone but the larger you are, the worse it is. Something around my waist might fit perfect. My butt looks great, the length is just right but the thighs are full of thunder. I could fit a newborn baby in the thighs. Take Catherine’s or Lane Bryant for example. This also goes for tops. Many shirts I find that I really really like, don’t fall on me well. They are usually too short which looks horrendous on a fat person. Pants pulled up to your belly button and then a too short shirt meeting at your belly button? No thank you, ma’am. Why do the people that design plus size clothes want to bring attention to our “front butt.” (I loathe that term.)
3. Selection – I buy most of my clothes at Maurices and Gordmans but the selection for my size blows. Walk into Maurices and you’ll see at least 20-30 different shirts, pants, dress combos for “average sized people.” Keep walking towards the back and (hidden fat part) of the store and there are maybe 10 options? 3 of which fit me just right. The worst part? I only buy one of those 3 items because they all come in mauve. The bigger you are, the smaller the selection.

I do want to back up and acknowledge that I know clothes are expensive no matter your size. Take Buckle, Abercrombie & Fitch, Macys for example. The great thing for people smaller than I am is that they have so many more options. You can find quality items that are in style at an affordable price at Plato’s Closet, Walmart, Target, Debs, Vanity. I totally understand the business aspect of: more fabric = more size and agree with that from a financial point of view but a lot of trendy clothing stores don’t even have larger sizes available.

Attention Clothing Retailers: A size XL that fits like a M everywhere else, is NOT appealing to the plus size population.

I can’t wait until the day when I can browse the local downtown boutiques that have the beautiful flow-y summer dresses or sweet army vest with a patterned long john shirt underneath. Be able to look cute and comfy wearing leggings, high boots, and a baggy off-one-shoulder sweater with a belt to cinch the waist.

I’m so envious of those that can walk into almost any store and find something that fits them. And I’m not just referring to thin model type women. A healthy and curvy size 14 can still go almost anywhere and find something that works for them.

I don’t like wearing black elastic-y leggings every day but that’s all that fits. I don’t like wearing a body shaper every day to hold in all my fat so that it doesn’t jiggle down the street as abruptly as jello. Or wearing a cami, overshirt, and scarf every day. I feel like I wear the exact same combo every single day; just in a different color. I’m as stylish as I can be at the size I am. But I hate what I see in the mirror.

I’ve heard the “love yourself” motto over the years. It’s hard to do when the person inside doesn’t match the person in the mirror. I’m all about embracing big beauty. I know that it’s not realistic (nor do I want) to be a slim size 6. I want my curves to be defined and not just a giant loaf of bread. I want to smile (or not smile) without having a double or triple chin. I want to feel sexy in the bedroom or a night out on the town. I want to love my body.

But in order to love my body, I need to love my body. Right? I need to want to get healthy. I need to want to exercise and eat right. I need to want to get my water in and say no to overindulging on junk food. For the last 20+ years it’s been a lose lose battle but every day I’m trying to convince myself that it can be a win win.

What’s the deal?

Excuse me while I tearfully admit that I’ve been majorly slacking lately. I took a small hiatus from this blog (Yes, I know ‘Didn’t you JUST start it?’). I don’t know what’s been up my butt lately. 2 weeks ago I blamed the world wide web of stress and then last week I’m blaming a bum ankle and scraped up legs that just made me lazier than usual.

Although I haven’t totally let all my hard work slide, I have been slacking big time. Like BIG TIME. I broke my rule of logging into MyFitnessPal because I was busy and didn’t want to think about what I ate that day because it wasn’t good.

I have been doing some thinking though. I don’t know if my “complaining” posts are doing me any good. I never really am looking for pity, it’s more of a source to get out my frustrations. These may continue but I might give myself a day or two to mull the topics over before sharing.

Also, at the launch of this blog, I wanted to do so many things all at once. I was thinking of the big picture, what I want to be seen and said and done. But it’s a lot to ask of myself. I want to eat healthy, exercise, log everything into MFP, post daily to Pinterest, blog at least weekly, manage my Twitter page, start a weigh-in group in my community, and that’s just the things that revolve around my health and this blog.

Thankfully, I did promise to not promise anything on this journey. J (Other than that promise, obvs)

So, what’s all this blah blah blah mean?

It means that first and foremost, my health comes first. I’m a constant thinker, writer, and dreamer which means that I want to share everything with the world on this journey because I know that what I have to say is important and meaningful. BUT I will not let it (and all it comes with) get in the way of my health.

This means that I might only post a couple times a month. I might skip logging into MFP on my cheat days. My Twitter page might be dormant for a week or two.

I think it will be more realistic to add all of these things (the bigger picture) when I get a handle on what I’m doing. I lost a little weight last year and that was hard enough without trying to publicize my journey.

So between now and whenever you hear from me again. Feel free to send me encouraging words or motivational wisdom, share my story so far, and believe in me! I can’t wait to see where this takes me and I’m bringing each and every one of you along!

Talk to you sometime. -O

Another “Ugh” Week

It’s like an every other week thing. I don’t know how to fix it. One week I do excellent as far as food consumption goes. The next, I eat like crap. And then the next, I’m back to a strict “I can do this” mantra.

This week I’ve been very stressed out and when I’m stressed, I eat. There was some unbelievably ridiculous family drama that unfortunately interrupted my shopping excursion this week. So instead of shopping, I comforted myself with carbs. I’m also worried about my dad because he had some test results come back “not perfect.” I know that he’ll be fine but that doesn’t make it any less worrisome. Although his health should push me into a reality check on how I need to treat myself, it hasn’t. To add to the already awesome week, our kitten bit off the end of my charger leading him to what we think was a shock of some kind. He hasn’t been himself at all. I’ve called the vet a few times asking about his behavior but he’ll have an appointment on Friday. And if that wasn’t the icing on the cake, I’ve had a rough week at work.

I know, I know. Excuses. Whatever.

Like I said from the beginning, this is a journey. My journey. If I would have hit the ground running on day one of this blog without any bumps, you’d know something was up. I want to be as honest as I can and although it would be easier to just not write anything and hope everyone forgot that tomorrow is weigh in day, I might as well be up front. Right? I’m basically writing to you today to let you know that I will be passing on weigh in week.

I wish I was tough enough to take the hit that the scale will read tomorrow but I’m not. I don’t want to deal with another punch to the gut. Quite frankly, I’m not in the mood. I’m not in the mood to see the scale go up 3-5 pounds. I’m not in the mood to see the fake disappointment “act” that the JC lady will give me or the scripted motivation that she has in her back pocket.

This doesn’t mean I’m giving up. Today (Thursday) I’ve reeled myself back in, given myself a good shaking. I can do this. I finally went grocery shopping yesterday, I’m doing great so far on what I’m eating today and I’m getting plenty of water in. Instead of being disappointed tomorrow at the scale and risk using it as yet another excuse, I’m going to try and take advantage of my day off with Frankie to get a walk in, grocery shop for good, healthy food. Meal plan for the next week or two and clean house of junk food in the cupboards.

Thanks for baring with me while I continue on this roller-coaster.

Progress Page

My progress page is updated with current progress to date and before photos. In time, I will add more information, photos, and numbers. Find my progress page by clicking on the tab above or by clicking here to be redirected.

Reverse Anorexia

This may turn out to be a series. I have a lot to cover and I don’t want this post to be three miles long but I do want to explain how I’m feeling to the best of my writing ability. So we’ll see what happens. I’d like to do another, similar post from the point of view of my mom if she’s up for it. 🙂

Reverse Anorexia is a term coined by my mom. This is my interpretation of it..

“Reverse Anorexia: How you feel inside and how you see yourself in the mirror doesn’t match how others see you or how you photograph.  How, when you see someone’s reflection off of glass doors and realize that it’s not someone else, it’s you. Someone unrecognizable to who you know you are. They look kind of like you. The same hair, eyes, smile, clothes even. But the person.. The fat person.. The blob.. That’s not you. It can’t be.”

The first couple photos you’ll see in this post are obviously selfies. Photos that I’ve taken of myself. Photos that I have control over. I control the light and the angle. I control my facial expression and which way my chin is pointing. I control the framing of the photo. I look boss.

I like what I see. Looking in the mirror either before or after my selfie, I like what I see for the most part. My hair is working for me today. My makeup is on-point. My eyes are beautiful, my smile is genuine. I actually like what I’m wearing which is rare because I feel like everything looks like crap on me.

But, without knowing it, I’m struggling from a case of Reverse Anorexia.

I try my very best to not be included in photos unless I’m the person taking them which results in one of two ways. 1: If it’s a killer photo, I’ll be posting it to all my social media sites. Or 2: If I look, in any way, morbidly obese. Delete.

However, sometimes I let my guard down. Sometimes I’m not in control of who is holding the camera. Sometimes, photos like you’ll see in this post are made public and I die inside. I want to make clear that it’s not any kind of depression. (I don’t buy into the hype of depression or even anxiety.)

I just die a little. That’s as simple as I can put it I guess. My heart hurts when I see photos of myself, my whole self. My stomach turns wondering how many people have seen this photo and what they thought when they saw me in it. How much I’ve changed or how bad I’ve “let myself go.”

It hits me so hard I cry sometimes. I feel disgusted, gross. I can’t believe I was out in public looking like THAT. I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that it’s not just the photo that I have an issue with; it’s me. How I look in the world. How I assume people judge me based off of how I look rather than my personality. And I’m calling bullshit if people say they don’t do that, they do. Myself included.

I honestly don’t know if I have the words to explain the emotions that I feel when pictures are taken of me and posted online. The after-effect it has on me and how it ruins the moment or the day, it’s unreal. It’s not that I don’t want to have a presence online or whatever. I do. I want people to “remember” me when I’m long gone. I’m not trying to be totally invisible; I just don’t want people to see me because I hate what I see. I love social media and photography and blogging – all that jazz. But somewhere deep, it really is painful to see what I look like in the eyes of other people. Not as a person, but as a physical form.

I know who I am as a person but not many do. I think maybe my immediate family has a pretty good idea. My mom and brothers for sure. Channing is the probably the only person that gets “Ori” 100% of the time. He gets the good, the bad, and the ugly. He gets the goofy and the obnoxious. The flirtatious and the sexy. He gets me and I adore him for it.

But sometimes, honestly – I wonder if he suffers from what my mom and I call Shallow Hal Syndrome. You’ve seen the movie. Where this guy is dating this beautiful, thin, funny, smart woman. Only to turn out that he’s the only one that sees her as beautiful and thin. In reality, she’s for lack of a better phrase; big, fat, and ugly.

So I guess what I’m wondering (in vain) is; how do you view “fat” people? Really, be honest. When you see an overweight or obese person, how do you judge us without knowing us? I really want to know.

I personally am usually very quiet when I meet new people. I’m an observer. I don’t just “click” with anyone so I don’t find it necessary to open up unless I actually see friendship a possibility.

So, when you see someone heavy, really heavy and you don’t know them, haven’t spoken much to them, a co-worker, someone at the store, whatever. Does it depend on their style? Does it depend on their behaviors? Does it depend on what they do for fun? Does it depend on who they are with?

I hope with your responses, I can get a clearer view of judgment. I, myself, judge harshly. I’ll be the first to admit it. If you look like a bitch, I’ll probably stay away from you. If you have a snotty voice, I probably will avoid talking to you. If you come off as just plain stupid, I won’t bother making nice. If you are thin, I’ll assume that you don’t want to have anything to do with fat people so I won’t even bother approaching you in fear of how you’ll view me.

Reverse Anorexia is a haunting nightmare. It’s annoying. It’s frustrating to know who you are as a person, who you see in the mirror; isn’t who the world sees.

**All photos used in this post have been taken within the last 10 months. **

 

Mortified Moment of the Week

This picture. Period. Last week, a few of us at work volunteered for the United Way stuff-a-backpack thing that they do every year. I had a good time and it was nice helping out and extending a hand in the community. It was hot and the A/C was not working but I digress.

They had a backdrop (as you can see) and some props. Of course we had to take a photo, duh. I apparently wasn’t thinking or I honestly wouldn’t have been a part of the picture. This photo was shared out on Monday on our company “Culture” page. It was shared out to the entire company. All 1,000+ employees. Ehhh 😦 It was also posted on the companies Facebook page which has who knows how many likes.

This picture is out there and I can’t remove it so I figured I’d share it with you.

I hate this photo. I hate that this is how the world sees me physically. I’ll elaborate about this topic in a future post but I feel like I’m blind as to how I look. And I’m not expecting any nor do I want any pity. I don’t want any “but you’re a beautiful person on the inside” bullshit because that’s not going to make me feel any better. This isn’t a rant in vain either. It’s a rant out of disgust. When I saw this photo pop up in my inbox at work because it was shared out (just like many other photos of company events), I was horrified. I may have even literally gasped.

But, this is what has been getting me through the week. This is what helped me say “no” to offers of food. This is what helped me say “yes” to a fitness challenge my mom and I agreed on this month. This is what is helping me stay motivated.

I hope to share and update with some more photos over the weekend. I’m calling them my “before” photos because I better have after photos and I better look damn good.

Has there been anything past or present that has hit you in the face with an “oh, shit I better get my act together” moment? I’d love to hear about it so I know that I’m not the only one.

**NOTE** The original photo has 4 people in it. I cropped this photo to be of just myself for this blog.

I Said “No”

Oh, hey! I’m really feeling great this week (and it’s only Wednesday)! Being the list-lover that I am, I kept a list of things that I normally would have said “yes” to but said “no” to and lived to tell about it. Special notice to the bold and underlined word.

1. PIZZA – Rhombus Pizza to be exact. Someone, somewhere on the 4^thfloor had a group pizza par-tay this week. And they bought too much. 2 full pizzas too much. Go figure. Yay for the rest of 4^th floor, right?! I didn’t even touch them. Pizza is on my top 5 of number 1 favorite foods but I didn’t even look at it. Winning.
2. BROWNIES – Okay, here’s a secret: I love chocolate. WHAT, you didn’t know? At this point, I allow myself a “free day” which I have decided is Saturdays. I want to be conscious of my choices but I allow myself to indulge on Saturdays. I know rewarding hard work with food is frowned upon in the health guru world but sometimes, it’s the only thing that gets me through the week — knowing that I can have something I crave on Saturday. Anyways, I made brownies last Saturday and didn’t finish them all (which is good). What that means though is that they have been on the counter staring at me every single day and I haven’t even opened the cover. Maybe they’ll be too hard to eat by Saturday. BOOM.
3. TREAT DESK – At work, right behind me. Most of the time it’s either empty or full of stuff that I don’t really like. Thank you Lord, Jesus! But this week our boss is preparing to go on vacation so she “rewarded” our hard work with yummy treats. Think Cheetos, Doritos, Tootsie Rolls, M&M’s. Wanted them. Looked at them. But haven’t eat any of it.
4. TAILGATERS – I was asked to go to lunch for the Nachos & Tots buffet at Tailgaters on Tuesday. I’m not a fan of either of those food options but I was tempted because of the social aspect of the invite. After all, I could have had soup and salad and ignored the rest of the buffet. It would have been too hard to resist though, because even though it wasn’t my favorite food, I probably still would have had tots, some variation of nachos, soup, salad, and whatever else they were serving. So, even with the peer pressure, I kindly said “No thanks.”

I know these might sound silly to some people but to me, it’s my life. A month ago I would have had 3 pieces of that leftover pizza and maybe even brought a couple for the drive home. I would have finished that pan of brownies in one sitting. I would have had who knows how many bags of chips and handfuls of candy at the treat desk. But I didn’t and I’m proud of myself for making health-conscious decisions. Very, very proud.

Weigh in day..

Phew, weigh in day is here. I was nervous because I knew I hadn’t been doing very well nutrition wise this week and knowing how the week prior went, optimism wasn’t on my side. I’ve skipped a few meals due to a busy work schedule and lack of planning. I’ve also had a few days of overeating but I did my best to maintain my water intake and do a little more natural activity than usual.

This included that hangover the next morning night but it was full of dancing and moving. I also volunteered for United Way this week which involved three hours of up, down, bending movements in an un-air-conditioned Fargodome conference room. Hello sweaty-all-over!

And guess what? Even though I’m a self-critic and seem to always find something wrong with what I do, I lost 2.6 pounds anyway! I actually high-5’d myself when I got to my car. Go me!

“Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

My mom sent me that quote today and it got me thinking. To myself and maybe even you, it might not seem like I’m making much progress but I am. Small changes over a period of time will prove that I’m making progress. Going to weigh in’s when I don’t feel like I had a good week proves progress. Volunteering for something that involved activity proves progress.

Before I started this with my mom last summer, I would have never volunteered at something like I did this week. I would have said “no way” to stepping on a scale in front of a stranger. I would have sat in my car every single lunch break until the end of time in denial while eating my number 2 cheeseburger meal at McDonalds.

I know that I’m only making small changes but I’m making changes. Changes for the better, changes in my thinking towards foods and activity, changes in my attitude. Progress is possible because I’m willing to change my mind on how I want my life to be lived.

Do you do weekly weigh-ins? I’d like to hear about your progress too!

Feeling Frustrated

I’m not feeling too hot about tomorrow’s weigh in. Last week I stayed the same from the week prior and this week I’m afraid to admit that it’ll probably be the same if not worse. I haven’t been binge eating a lot of junk food or anything but I know this week has been off food-wise.

Weird lunch breaks, volunteer work, not enough water, too lazy to go to the grocery store, ect. Being a person that strives on routine, this really puts a damper on how I figure in food from day to day. I’ve been out to eat a few times and while I’ve stayed away from my usual go-to greasy places; a Jimmy Johns sandwich sometimes isn’t much better than a burger from Mickey D’s.

Trying to get into the swing of things and wanting to live a fuller, healthier lifestyle is a lot harder this time around than last year. I can’t quite put my finger on why.

The Hurdle of the Day

After last week’s downhill slide of starch and the inability to stay focused food wise, I came to work prepared and ready to conquer this week. Except, I forgot my TV dinner on the counter at home (sorry, Lean Cuisine) and brought my salad but no container.

Guess what? Nowhere in this 5 story building filled with hundreds of people is there a paper plate or bowl. I didn’t actually go to every single level but I did check in all the common areas that I know of. Nothing. Nowhere. And I’m not about to eat like a savage out of the bag itself. It’d be wasteful.

I managed to push through my lunch without buying a pop, chips, and Kit Kat bar but I’m so hungry. I don’t know which is better: No food or junk food? Thoughts?

P.S. I did spread my snacks throughout the day but am definitely feeling the Monday blues because all I want to do is “eat, eat, eat” an actual meal.

Fat people have abdominal muscles too!

After a Saturday night of (heavy) drinking and lots of dancing, I woke up Sunday morning with a headache and a sore body. I’m 25, I should have sprung up like a sunflower as the sun rose. But I didn’t.  I really am not a partier, drinker, whatever you want to call it but I do make an exception once in a while. Then there are those that still drop it like it’s hot well into their 50’s. Whatevs.

The plus side, I guess, is that I got some hardcore physical activity in Saturday night. I don’t even know if I’ve ever had my “ab” muscles hurt like this. It’s like a good hurt though. You know what I mean? Naw I’m sayin’? The good hurt after some exercise.

Yes, I know that I don’t look like I even know what exercise is but I have had my bouts of ‘cisercising in my life. Trust me.

Anyway, half way through Monday and the muscles hidden in the deepest depths of my fat are still alive and not afraid to back down. Uh!

Introducing: Motivation!

I’ve decided to link my “Motivation to get HEALTHY!” Pinterest page to my blogs Motivation page. It only makes sense right? This way, it’ll be super easy for me to upload and re-pin motivating type inspirations to get healthy for both my readers and myself. I’ll also upload any motivating infographics that I use in this blog to my Pinterest page so it’s a catch all for all things uplifting and positive on this journey.

You can either click here or click on the Motivation tab of this blog to be redirected to my Pinterest page. Make sure to like this Pinterest board as well!

Remember, if you have any motivating tips, tricks, or exercise routines don’t be afraid to send them my way. I’ll upload it to the Pinterest page!

I hope you’re reading Krissy! Motivations are up and rarin’ to go!

The Push I Needed To Get Through A Tough Week

I just wanted to take a second to say “Thanks!” to those that have started following, liking, and commenting on my posts and blog. It gives me more motivation to not give up on myself. I apologize for being a little slow getting back to comments and messages but I’ll make it a priority to check weekly at the very least.

I was so tempted to go up town for lunch (again) because I’m still craving a stuff-your-face carb overload but because I’ve gotten some great traffic on my posts, it’s giving me the motivation to get through the day strong by sticking to my food plan for the day.

Thank you for keeping me in check!

2 Week Update

It hasn’t quite yet been two weeks but too bad. I wanted to take a minute to reflect on the first week and a half or so and how well or not well it’s been going.

1. Week 1 went awesome. I started this blog and encouraged ones I’m close with to follow me on this journey. I’m still working out the kinks and the blog isn’t fully functional yet but I’m busy you know!
2. I’m committed to entering everything into MyFitnessPal. (No matter how junkfoody) Which you’ll notice hasn’t been full of the best of the best but it’s all in there.
3. I lost 2.1 pounds my first week! (But I’ll probably be gaining this week.)
4. Going into week two hasn’t been so easy. I’m not giving up. I’m still entering all my information and making a point to send updates through my blog but I’m just not feeling it this week.

I admit, the Street Fair food definitely put a dent into my routine. And I haven’t been able to get into the swing of things since then. This weekend, we’ll be heading out of town for a wedding and a night full of drinks I’m sure.

I’m not going to quit though and I’m not going to fill you with excuses. This is part of the journey, I figure. I’ll learn eventually. I know that I need to cut back and not overindulge but it’s a tough balance when I want to go out and about to do things or be with people. One day at a time.

Also, this will probably be my last post until after the weekend. Talk to you Sunday!

Starvin’ Marvin

I’ve been having a tough time staying on track since late last week. Friday started with street fair food and Saturday involved some more. I did get some physical activity in for the first time since kick-starting my journey again so it wasn’t a total loss.

I’ll probably mention it time and time again but I’m a creature of habit. So in desperate need of a lazy Sunday and than having Monday off to catch up on some errands; I haven’t done the greatest at much food-wise. I haven’t been not trying to eat healthy but I haven’t been trying either. I don’t want to give myself too much slack but at the same time I don’t want to get into the habit of beating myself up over a “bad food day.” Giving myself too many cheat days too often will never get me to my goal of living a healthier lifestyle.

Today, for example. I brought all my food into work, started out well drinking my water; ect. But I’m hungry. Probably some kind of withdrawal from street fair food and pizza over the weekend. I just want to eat candy and carbs. I’ve tried drinking more water to mask “fullness” but it hasn’t been working.

I’ll get this down. I know I will. I just need to light the fire within me instead of expecting it to catch a spark all on it’s own.

How do you get through junk days?

Deep Fried Snickers

The Fargo-Moorhead Street Fair is in town and aside from beautiful works of art, fun things to do, and entertaining people all around – there is food. And lots of it.

If I’m going to ever going to find happiness loving myself and eventually getting to a happier, healthier weight; I’m going to have to be allowed to let myself live and partake in all that anyone else is “allowed” to do. That means that I’m not going to be ashamed that I had deep fried snickers and a chocolate marshmallow shake for lunch. Heck yes I did, it’s the Street Fair! And I’m not going to pass up on an opportunity to bond with my co-workers. I’m new to town so I’m going to take every opportunity I can, to try and make friends.

“But you didn’t have to get DEEP FRIED SNICKERS?” you say. No. But I wanted to and I’m okay with that. I’m not beating myself up for it and that’s what matters. And honestly, if the scale reflects that next week, it’s a chance I’m going to have to take.

I know that it’s so early into my “journey” or whatever but I think that it’s okay to have indulgences with moderation. I know this probably sounds extremely naive and even ignorant but I don’t want to live in a world where I’m going to have to 100% of the time sacrifice the one thing that keeps me alive; food.

Besides – going to the street fair and stuffing my face got me out of the office and off my butt for a while. I got some much needed Vitamin D, I was dripping in sweat, AND I got a nice walk in; something that I wouldn’t have done if I would have stayed at work for lunch. So there.

Down 2.1!

First weigh in since I started this journey and I’m down 2.1 pounds! Can I get a “what what!?” Considering that I didn’t really put a lot of effort into getting this going until Monday of this week, I consider this a huge win! Just imagine if I would have “tried” as soon as I had weighed in the week prior.

I have been debating on sharing my current weight with this blog. I’ve decided that I’m going to “weight” until I’ve been able to provide positive results for a little while. I know that I don’t need to share and I don’t even know how many people will come across this blog but sharing my weight is going to be mentally draining and unbearably embarrassing. I’ve been obsessing over it since I mentioned possibly sharing it in a few posts ago.

I’m very close with my mom and we share the same struggle with getting healthy and have for a long time and I won’t even tell her what I weigh. One thing that we both know is that it’s more than her. So there’s that.

One of the first things I said when starting this blog and doing the research on a weight-loss blog was to not promise anything. I can’t promise you that I’ll stick with this and I can’t promise you when I will divulge my weight. But contrary to what I just said, because this is about weight-loss and a journey, I can promise you that as long as I stick with this road to a healthier lifestyle, I will share my start weight and my weekly progress. I just cannot promise you when.

But, enough about that. I’m down 2.1 and that’s awesome!

Mid-Day Slump

Half way through day two is making me as groggy as ever. While day three has a lot of positives like fruits, veggies, and protein – the caffeine withdrawal is definitely kicking my ass.

Thankfully it’s not as bad as it has been the past 30 times I’ve tried to cut back on the sugar high. Over a number of times in my life including the last 6 months or so I was used to having whatever size pop came with my drive-thru meal. I’d also usually have a can of pop sometime in the evening because my boyfriend makes his daily snus trip to the nearby convenience store. I probably shouldn’t leave out that I’ve saved about $10 in the last few days because I haven’t bought my usual 1-3 candy bars each day.

The positives outweigh the negatives right? I’ll keep telling myself that until I really believe it. (I know it’s true, I’m just cranky.)

Although pop and candy free day number two hasn’t given me a headache, it has made me want to go home. I’m ready for bed. I’m tired and I don’t feel like dealing with people.

Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if I pee my pants this week. I’m making a great effort to get half my weight in ounces of water in and in case you’re wondering, that’s a lot. I’ve made more trips to the bathroom than I have gotten emails today.

How do you push through a mid-afternoon slump?

MyFitnessPal

I’ve always been a fan of MyFitnessPal. I’ve actually always been a fan of writing everything down line by line so when MFP became a thing; it was totally up my alley. I admit that I’ve only used it in my health nut spurts. In the past if I had a “free” day, I’d either skip entering into MFP completely or enter in a made-up day just to make it look like I was on a streak of entering. Yes, another mind game I fool myself into believing. Forgive me.

Fear not, I’m changing my ways! I want this journey to be invasive. Ultimately, I want to not only help myself but to help someone else and that’s why I want this process or story or whatever to be open with no loop holes or hidden agendas.

With that, I’ve decided on two things:

1. MyFitnessPal diary entries are now public. (Scary!) This means that you can see what I eat and around when I eat. You’ll be able to see the portion sizes, the nutrition facts, and the brands and kinds of things I buy. There may be an occasion where I will have to guess (like yesterday’s lunch was a pre-packaged salad from a local caterer) but I’ll do my best.
2. I’m going to log my entries every day, baby! Even on my cheat days and busy days. I am making it a priority to log in what I’m eating. And you better believe that I’ll have cheat days. I’m human. I wonder if making it a priority to log EVERYTHING, that I’ll be more conscious of my choices knowing that I’m letting other people see instead of sneaking things in.

I should warn you though, that I’m a creature of habit. I’m unapologetically a picky eater so you won’t see any crazy wacked out recipes or food concoctions. I’m kind of boring and I like routine. I’ll probably rotate between two or three breakfasts. My snacks will almost always be the same every day. My lunches will usually be a salad and a TV dinner of some sort. The only variety you may see will be in my dinners.

I’m a simpleton when it comes to my menu. I don’t want to have to think about it. The more work I have to put into planning a meal, the less likely I’ll even do it. I do love cooking and baking though so hopefully I won’t be too bland.

If you’re interested in seeing what I am putting into my mouth, click here. If it doesn’t give you a breakdown like I think it should, let me know. I believe you have to have a MyFitnessPal account in order to view it.

Do you use any food or nutrition tracking apps? What do you use and why?

When I Was At The Grocery Store..

When I was at the grocery store this evening, I couldn’t help but have these thoughts constantly running through my mind: “Ugh, I want poptarts. I’ll never get to have poptarts again…a full Pizza Corner pizza get in my belly! 900 calories? Who cares….SMORE’S are on sale and I need them…cheddar cheesy bratwursts, yes!”

What a mind fuck.

I want to live in a world were I can be in control of what I put into my mouth. I want to be able to eat whatever I want within reason and be able to just have one serving size instead of quadrupling whatever the packages say. I don’t know if that’s even possible, really.

My boyfriend is very supportive and going to help me the best he can on this journey but I can just as easily manipulate him as I can myself. I can tell him one minute to not offer me any of whatever he’s eating, so he won’t. Then ten minutes later, I’ll ask for some. He’ll remind me of what I made him promise but I somehow can weasel my way into the crust or just one bite or just one slice.

My self control was in check today (thankfully) but the grocery store trip was a bitch after being hungry from a lack of food/planning today and wanting to eat everything I saw.

Do you give into your temporary food cravings? What do you do to keep your salivary glands preoccupied until it passes?

I’m In Charge Of My Choices.

I’m feeling good after an unorganized (which is out of my character) and busy Monday. As I mentioned yesterday, I hadn’t bought groceries yet thus leading to an unplanned day of food. I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear that I gave myself a “hell ya” pat on the back today.

Not only did I walk right past the delicious deep friend smells that Casey’s General Store had to offer when I filled up on gas during my noon hour BUT I so graciously declined “National Ice Cream Week” at work. DQ ice cream at that. I was so tempted to get ice cream that I made a deal with myself. I would wait until the mad rush of the 4th floor grabbed theirs. If, when I went up there, that my favorite kind [a mint dilly bar] was still available, than I’d have one. Guess what? All gone. And just because the universe wanted to protect my good food day, all that was left were a few Starkiss not-really-even-ice-cream treats which I easily said “nah” to.

I kind of have to laugh at the silly hurdles I was faced with today. I opted for a salad and fat free dressing for lunch instead some kind of fast food. And not to over-complain but gross. Pre-made salads sold at work are a huge disappointment for $6. I also forgot my water bottle in my car after lunch so I relied on little Culligan cups of water for the rest of the day. I may have looked like a goober but it got the job done.

The picture attached to this post is an example of what I had for supper. We went grocery shopping after work. I decided for my first full week of “continuing my journey” that I’d be more aware of what I was buying rather than diving right in and creating unrealistic expectations for myself. Channing (my boyfriend, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned him yet) decided he wanted pizza tonight. I admit, we usually each get a full pizza and we usually each eat our own. In it’s entirety and sometimes I’m still hungry afterwards. My stomach is like a pit with no bottom. Actually typing this out knowing that I’m going to post it makes me cringe. I don’t always know what “full” feels like. Anyway — Chann’s supper started and ended like “normal.” I decided to buy light wheat english muffins, low-fat mozzarella cheese, thin sliced ham, and sauce. It definitely wasn’t a rising crust Jack’s but it was just about as delicious. It felt so rewarding to eat something that I made and made a conscious effort to put together a supper that was at the very least, better than what I usually would have had. I paired my english muffin pizzas with a side of green beans.

I’d also like to send a quick thanks to those that have reached out since I posted this blog. I’ve received a handful of tips, advice, and “you can do its!”

Ready For Week 1?

Me either. I will be weighing in weekly on Thursdays. That’ll be the day that I don’t want to but feel that I must share with you my weight. I’d like to tell you that I’m full of excitement and energy going into this first week of my blog and weigh in but I’m not.

Yesterday I went to Sonic for breakfast/lunch and had a few drinks with friends last night. Today I stuffed my face with everything Zorbaz but you know, balanced it out with a few hours of swimming. Basic math right? I had planned on going grocery shopping today to kickstart my week on a positive note but I didn’t get around to it. Too busy swimming remember. That’s okay. I’m not perfect. This isn’t going to be a perfect journey.

I plan to have oatmeal and a slice of peanut butter toast for breakfast tomorrow for “day 1.” I’ll have a shake around 10:00 and then I have nothing planned beyond that point. If I can push through the McDonalds craving I’m sure I’ll have, I hope to go down to the mez at work and grab a salad. I’ll be going to the store tomorrow right after work so I’ll probably be updating you with my progress on day 1 tomorrow.

Remember DRINK YOUR WATER! Let’s do this!

By the way, I went swimming today in public and didn’t bother caring what other people thought. Take that fat-shamers.

What To Expect.

I haven’t quite ironed that out yet. If you’re still with me, congratulations. I’m a rambler of words. Being the perfectionist that I am, I didn’t want to share this out with my family and friends until the site was “ready” by my standards. Guess what? With perfectionism comes procrastination.

SO…no the site isn’t 100% ready to rumble yet but it’s a start. If I didn’t share out what I’ve put together so far, it’d probably be another two weeks before I introduced this to you and two weeks before I began a healthier and happier lifestyle.

By the end of this month, I plan to have my Motivation and Progress pages updated which is the last step in the set up process. The progress page is going to be the most difficult. You may notice that I’ve only shared a few “selfies” to this point. And if you follow me on any social media site, it’s the same. If you’ve ever tagged me in a photo, you’ll soon see that I usually untag myself within seconds. There’s a reason I’m always the one taking the photos. The progress page is going to be what the world already sees, not what my creatively angled phone will show you. I’m not emotionally or mentally ready to share with my family, let alone the potential world, what my weight is, but I’m going to. I’m not ready to consciously allow my most embarrassing photos be published on this blog, but I have to.

I going to do it for myself. Not to prove anything to my readers, not to try and one-up the last weight-loss blogger but I need to look at myself in the mirror of the world. In the mirror at home I suck in and brainwash myself to only see my face tilted slightly down as to not see the double or triple chin of the day. I need to look at and share what I actually look like because avoiding it obviously hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

Starting Over. Again.

In June of 2014, my mom and I signed up for Jenny Craig. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Following the program off and on and often to the beat of my own drum, I lost 41 pounds between …. [checking myfitnesspal] … June 4^th and October 18^th. Roughly 4 ½ months. Although it wasn’t even a fraction of what I needed to lose, it’s totally worth a “fuck yes.”

For personal and career reasons, I moved to Bemidji mid-October and guess what? They didn’t have a JC. Without feeding you full of excuses that you don’t want to hear, I gained most of that weight back. I recently moved “back” to my adopted homeland of North Dakota and just this week re-joined Jenny Craig.

This time I’m going to do this different. To go along with being honest with myself and with the encouragement of my mom, I was also honest with the Jenny Craig consultant. What helped me lose the 41 pounds mid-last year wasn’t the program or the food; it was the accountability. My main reason for going to JC week after week is for the weigh-ins and pep talks; not the food.

I’ll still purchase a few of my favorite Jenny foods because well, I like some of them, but I’m not going to ever claim that Jenny Craig’s food program helped me lose weight. I’m a picky eater [go figure] so I don’t really find most of their menu very “delicious” anyways. However, I have learned from both Jenny and life that there are a few key things to be successful and stay successful when it comes to getting healthy:

• Drink water and lots of it. The best advice I’ve gotten so far is to drink half your body weight in ounces of water EACH DAY. So if you weigh 300 pounds, you’ll be drinking 150 ounces of water today. Better start early.
• You’ll hear me say this 70 times over but accountability is key. Regularly weighing in and reporting to someone is the single most thing that kept me trying last year.
• Eat breakfast and fruits and veggies. Drink all that water! Consciously add in protein-rich and fiber-full foods.
• Be as active as your body and motivation level will allow.

Losing 41 pounds last summer was in no way “easy.” Look at me, I gained it back because slowly but surely, I let all of those tips slide with time. I dived back into Mountain Dew and Snicker bar induced comas with the snap of a finger.  I can binge eat at almost any fast food restaurant you mention. It’s a disease. But I’m worth it and I can’t stop fighting.

I’m Morbidly Obese.

I hate that phrase. To me, it’s just as derogatory as n**** or cunt. Morbidly obese is the asshole way of saying “you’re disgusting and probably going to die soon.” Thanks for the death sentence Webster’s.

With my first few posts here, I just want to introduce you to who I am and as you can see; my humor (if you want to call it that) is probably a little dryer than usual. Throughout the duration of this blog, you’ll learn about “my weight loss story” so I’m not going to dive into all of those topics right now.  Feel free to navigate throughout the blog and tabs for more information about myself, my progress, motivation, and much more.

To sum myself up in a few short sentences: My name is Orianah but everyone calls me Ori. I’m a 25 year old dreamer that wants to travel the world, get married, buy a house, and have children – in that order. My mom is my biggest fan and my best friend. I love to write (blog), take photographs, and create art in multiple mediums. I’m fat, overweight, obese, whatever you want to call it. I hate the words bigger, plump, and husky because they’re insulting and you’re not “being nice” by saying it. This is my story and I hope you read every post.