Gross, back to square 1.

That’s how I’ve felt for a constant three weeks. Well, probably since the beginning of the year off and on to be H. The last time our little weigh-in group met was March 4th. If not then, it was the week prior. #lifegotintheway

Weird how when we started this in September that we were pumped and excited. We met weekly with no problems. We started that page on the Facebook. I started writing this blog, documenting my journey, created a corresponding Twitter; all that jazz.

But to no avail. I’m pretty much right where I started in September. I’ve been losing and then gaining and then losing and gaining. The same never ending cycle I’ve been in since I was a kid. I’ve not reached my highest ever (thank the Lord) but I’m darn close, I’ll tell you that and it’s disappointing.

We all hate excuses but I’m pulling that card. The last few months have been especially hard because I picked up a 2nd part time job, because we’re house hunting, and because I want to enjoy my life and the people I’m with. I’ll explain.

Excuse #1 – Two Jobs: I didn’t need it to survive but I wanted it to push ahead on a few things. I want travel money and I want funds available when we find our new home. I want to be able to buy new things like furniture and also have a safe fund in case some wack-a-doodle shingle falls out of place. I want to go on a big trip with my mom again this year and I want to go on some mini-getaways with my S.O. Job #2 ends promptly and about damn time on 4/17. I’ll be glad it’s over but I’ve actually enjoyed working there and plan to go back next year.

My schedule has been bananas. I work 3-5 days a week from right after job #1 (career job) to 8 or 9 o’clock at night. I don’t really get a break since it’s such a short duration of time and food is not recommended at the front desk. I tried many many times to bring a protein bar and a fruit but that’s not a satisfying supper. I find that I stuff a bunch of BBQ Lays chips in my mouth in the back when I can dip away for a bathroom break. Which isn’t healthy. And my water routine went out the window in January. We aren’t prevented from going to the bathroom, that’d be absurd but when everyone is busy and my only two responsibilities are to greet the clients and make sure no one steals confidential information or the money, you kind of need to be there. All. The. Time.

Excuse #2 – House Hunting: Well, when I’m not working, we’re looking at houses. Simple as that. It leads to not getting home until 7 or later and while we’re both already out, who wants to start making dinner so late? Might as well go out to eat? Dumb, I know.

Excuse #3 – Enjoying Life: Unfortunately, everything having to do with everything that comes to the little social life I have revolves around food or drinking. Last night for example, was a 5:01 at a bar. Just a bar and super salty popcorn. It was a clear instance were substitutions weren’t really an option. Seeing an old friend that lives out of town? Let’s grab dinner. And here’s the kicker.. If I’m going to go to a semi-decent restaurant in this town, I’m not ever going to pay $8, $9, $10 for a salad. I’m a lettuce and french only kind of gal so there’s no way EVER that I’ll fork out my hard earned money on something I’m going to poke around and pretend to enjoy. No, this doesn’t mean I have to go nuts and order a three course meal but everywhere you go there’s temptation. Of course, the biggest resolution for these two items is to limit yourself to 2 drinks (eyeroll) and get a to-go box right away to put half your food in.

This all circles back to my initial point. Excuses. I know they’re excuses, my brain totally comprehends that. It’s just a matter of talking myself into better situations and still trying even when it’s easier to grab a bag of chips when you’re busy or eat the whole delicious hot meal in front of you or just make friends and have drinks without counting or worrying about the calories.

The fat life sucks. It’s like a nosedive off a cliff that never has water to fall into and enjoy. You. Just. Keep. Falling.

Ready For Week 1?

Me either. I will be weighing in weekly on Thursdays. That’ll be the day that I don’t want to but feel that I must share with you my weight. I’d like to tell you that I’m full of excitement and energy going into this first week of my blog and weigh in but I’m not.

Yesterday I went to Sonic for breakfast/lunch and had a few drinks with friends last night. Today I stuffed my face with everything Zorbaz but you know, balanced it out with a few hours of swimming. Basic math right? I had planned on going grocery shopping today to kickstart my week on a positive note but I didn’t get around to it. Too busy swimming remember. That’s okay. I’m not perfect. This isn’t going to be a perfect journey.

I plan to have oatmeal and a slice of peanut butter toast for breakfast tomorrow for “day 1.” I’ll have a shake around 10:00 and then I have nothing planned beyond that point. If I can push through the McDonalds craving I’m sure I’ll have, I hope to go down to the mez at work and grab a salad. I’ll be going to the store tomorrow right after work so I’ll probably be updating you with my progress on day 1 tomorrow.

Remember DRINK YOUR WATER! Let’s do this!

By the way, I went swimming today in public and didn’t bother caring what other people thought. Take that fat-shamers.

What To Expect.

I haven’t quite ironed that out yet. If you’re still with me, congratulations. I’m a rambler of words. Being the perfectionist that I am, I didn’t want to share this out with my family and friends until the site was “ready” by my standards. Guess what? With perfectionism comes procrastination.

SO…no the site isn’t 100% ready to rumble yet but it’s a start. If I didn’t share out what I’ve put together so far, it’d probably be another two weeks before I introduced this to you and two weeks before I began a healthier and happier lifestyle.

By the end of this month, I plan to have my Motivation and Progress pages updated which is the last step in the set up process. The progress page is going to be the most difficult. You may notice that I’ve only shared a few “selfies” to this point. And if you follow me on any social media site, it’s the same. If you’ve ever tagged me in a photo, you’ll soon see that I usually untag myself within seconds. There’s a reason I’m always the one taking the photos. The progress page is going to be what the world already sees, not what my creatively angled phone will show you. I’m not emotionally or mentally ready to share with my family, let alone the potential world, what my weight is, but I’m going to. I’m not ready to consciously allow my most embarrassing photos be published on this blog, but I have to.

I going to do it for myself. Not to prove anything to my readers, not to try and one-up the last weight-loss blogger but I need to look at myself in the mirror of the world. In the mirror at home I suck in and brainwash myself to only see my face tilted slightly down as to not see the double or triple chin of the day. I need to look at and share what I actually look like because avoiding it obviously hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

Starting Over. Again.

In June of 2014, my mom and I signed up for Jenny Craig. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Following the program off and on and often to the beat of my own drum, I lost 41 pounds between …. [checking myfitnesspal] … June 4^th and October 18^th. Roughly 4 ½ months. Although it wasn’t even a fraction of what I needed to lose, it’s totally worth a “fuck yes.”

For personal and career reasons, I moved to Bemidji mid-October and guess what? They didn’t have a JC. Without feeding you full of excuses that you don’t want to hear, I gained most of that weight back. I recently moved “back” to my adopted homeland of North Dakota and just this week re-joined Jenny Craig.

This time I’m going to do this different. To go along with being honest with myself and with the encouragement of my mom, I was also honest with the Jenny Craig consultant. What helped me lose the 41 pounds mid-last year wasn’t the program or the food; it was the accountability. My main reason for going to JC week after week is for the weigh-ins and pep talks; not the food.

I’ll still purchase a few of my favorite Jenny foods because well, I like some of them, but I’m not going to ever claim that Jenny Craig’s food program helped me lose weight. I’m a picky eater [go figure] so I don’t really find most of their menu very “delicious” anyways. However, I have learned from both Jenny and life that there are a few key things to be successful and stay successful when it comes to getting healthy:

• Drink water and lots of it. The best advice I’ve gotten so far is to drink half your body weight in ounces of water EACH DAY. So if you weigh 300 pounds, you’ll be drinking 150 ounces of water today. Better start early.
• You’ll hear me say this 70 times over but accountability is key. Regularly weighing in and reporting to someone is the single most thing that kept me trying last year.
• Eat breakfast and fruits and veggies. Drink all that water! Consciously add in protein-rich and fiber-full foods.
• Be as active as your body and motivation level will allow.

Losing 41 pounds last summer was in no way “easy.” Look at me, I gained it back because slowly but surely, I let all of those tips slide with time. I dived back into Mountain Dew and Snicker bar induced comas with the snap of a finger.  I can binge eat at almost any fast food restaurant you mention. It’s a disease. But I’m worth it and I can’t stop fighting.

I’m Morbidly Obese.

I hate that phrase. To me, it’s just as derogatory as n**** or cunt. Morbidly obese is the asshole way of saying “you’re disgusting and probably going to die soon.” Thanks for the death sentence Webster’s.

With my first few posts here, I just want to introduce you to who I am and as you can see; my humor (if you want to call it that) is probably a little dryer than usual. Throughout the duration of this blog, you’ll learn about “my weight loss story” so I’m not going to dive into all of those topics right now.  Feel free to navigate throughout the blog and tabs for more information about myself, my progress, motivation, and much more.

To sum myself up in a few short sentences: My name is Orianah but everyone calls me Ori. I’m a 25 year old dreamer that wants to travel the world, get married, buy a house, and have children – in that order. My mom is my biggest fan and my best friend. I love to write (blog), take photographs, and create art in multiple mediums. I’m fat, overweight, obese, whatever you want to call it. I hate the words bigger, plump, and husky because they’re insulting and you’re not “being nice” by saying it. This is my story and I hope you read every post.