February 2018

Second month goals, I’m comin’ for ya! I decided to add a few things to my calendar each month. One is an update on the month that just ended and another to determine my goals for the current month. Both of which I plan to post within the first 5 days of the new month.

If you read my last post, you’ll know that I had a mixed bag of ups and downs in regards to the success of my goals. The goals mentioned last month are still goals and I’ll continue to keep them on my radar and improve on them. I may re-list goals from time to time if I lose sight of them so don’t be surprised if you see something pop up again in the coming months.

For February, I want to make fruits and veggies a priority when planning meals or making food choices. As you’ll recall, last week I decided to “eat when I’m hungry.” This is a foreign thing to me because I’m always hungry. Or so I thought. I was unusually busy this last week and didn’t have as much downtime otherwise known as boredom. Adding to the already scientific proof that a lot of people eat out of boredom rather than actually being hungry. I had plenty of food last week but I didn’t have a traditional eating pattern.

There were pros and cons to that. While I lost 10 pounds in the week, I didn’t get all the nutrients I felt I should have. I want to continue listening to my body in terms of when I’m actually hungry but I want to try to make better choices. One of those choices would be to choose fruits and veggies more often or first over something else. If I’m still hungry for that something else, that’s fine. I can grab that after. Kind of like the “drink a glass of water before you eat, maybe you were just thirsty” thing.

For those who don’t know, I’m a picky eater. Shocking, I know, considering the mass I take up in any given environment. But I’ve been expanding my pallet. Not drastically but maybe age changes your tastebuds for the better? Lets hope. Either way, not only do I want to include more F&V into my day-to-day life, I want to broaden my options as well. I’ve never eaten brussel sprouts or grapefruit or avocado. I don’t even know what leeks are and I think pomegranates are pretty. Am I missing out? I’ve only tried asparagus once and wasn’t a fan but it’s not off the table. Wish me luck!

The second goal of the month is to schedule time for reflection and/or meditation a couple times a week. This has always been a to-do in my life and I’ve committed to it off and on but only for 2-day stints at a time. I’m taking advantage of my calendar this month and scheduling time. I’ve always thought of meditation as something you do right when you wake up in the morning to prepare yourself for an aware and peaceful day but it never happens because I wake up as late as possible. This is now scheduled a few times a week in the evenings. I have a few methods in my back pocket.. There are many different apps to choose from and I have a singing bowl I’d like to try out.

Lastly, I want to make fitness and/or movement of some kind a more consistent part of the week-to-week routine. I’d like to commit to 3 times per week (MWF) but I haven’t decided on that yet because my days are all over the place in terms of busy vs bored. My mom did have a suggestion though.. she has been talking herself into doing something right when she gets home. Before she sits down to eat dinner or watch TV, she does something. Dishes, laundry, exercise.. Because when she sits down, it’s usually for the evening. Same with me. So that’ll be part of the goal for sure. I have an entire apartment to pack up so perhaps it’ll be to pack 1 or 2 boxes right when I come home.

I also sort of have a standing desk at work. (Yes, I said that with an eyeroll because I should be grateful.) Everyone in the office got one recently but I didn’t because I already sit at a crank desk. It’s a nuisance to crank all the way up and is an inconvenience to the things on my desk but I want to make a point of doing it. Everyone else has this easy grip thing and they can be standing in 5 seconds flat. Just because mine takes more effort doesn’t mean it needs to be an excuse. My goal is to stand at least once per day for 15 minutes. Although it’s only standing, it’s 100% better than sitting.

With those two additions in terms of movement alone, that goal will be successful but I do intend on adding actual activity too. I’ll keep you posted on the what, when and how that goes.

What goals have you set for the month of February or for the New Year? I’d love to hear what they are and how they’re going! Thank you for reading, we’ll talk soon!

January 2018 Recap

Happy February 3rd! It’s a snowy day out there but a pretty one. One where I’m glad my plans all consist of staying inside and don’t involve a venture into the cold tundra that I’ll likely always live.

As promised, I’m here to give you an update on January 2018, good or bad. Lets start with the good news so you don’t have to skim looking for it when you realize this is more then 2 full iPhone pages long, ha! I’m down an official 14.4 pounds for the month of January. BOOM! GO ME!!!!!!! YAAAAAS, QUEEN!!!! And all the other colloquials I’m forgetting.

The reason this is extra exciting is because I had an extremely trying health month and the majority of that 14.4 pounds was effective today. (I weigh in on Saturdays and consider this the last “Saturday” of January). The first couple weeks of the year, I had a bum knee. It’s around 90% now which means I’m good on movement but it restricted me. Like, literally. I didn’t do anything for a few weeks. The day my knee started feeling better, I got slammed with a head cold, no voice, can’t breathe thing. That lasted 10+ days and I’m still hanging out with the nasty cough it came with. Because that wasn’t enough, I had some kind of wonky stomach bug for 2 days earlier this week. Remember that “GO ME!” from earlier? Part of it was because I survived the damn month.

Added to the ailments that I tried not to throw a pity party for every other day, I had a couple of emotionally trying bouts throughout the month, the most serious was on Tuesday. I won’t dive into the details here but I felt it was necessary to mention because mental health is just as vital to overall health as food or fitness.

Two questions I would have if I were me reading this blog would be.. 1: How did you lose 14.4 pounds in a month? AND 2. Where’s the update on the January goals you promised via title of this blog post?

1. Not by magic and not sticking to “it” as diligently as you might think. Each week of the month I was either up by 1.2 (give or take a tenth of a point), stayed the same or was down by 1.8 (give or take a tenth of a point). So basically stayed the same weight by all means of anyone that has ever needed to lose weight. Last weekend, I had stayed exactly the same but overall I was down 4.4 pounds which I was more annoyed with than anything. I’ve had some serious changes in my life and part of the medicine to cure those changes is to get healthy. Only 4.4 pounds in the resolution month? That wasn’t going to be good enough for me. As I drove home from my parents house last Sunday, I thought up all the ways I could improve that number by month end. And what I decided on was to just fucking try harder. I have been trying. I’ve been getting bananas and clementines in nearly every day. I’ve cut down on eating out (I’ll get to that later), and I’ve tried to make good choices for lunches and suppers. My exercise has been hit and miss (remember the 2 weeks and the knee?). But I needed to try harder. So this week, I did just that. I exercised 4 times this week. I drank almost all of the designated water I set as a goal and I ate when I was hungry. This is what was new for me.. Shit this post is going to be long.
   • Monday was an idyllic food/fitness/water day. All the meals and all the snacks and all the water and all within my calorie goal.
   • Tuesday was the bad emotional day I mentioned earlier. Honestly, I only at a banana and crackers that day. I wasn’t hungry at all. I only ate the banana because I hate when bananas go bad and we all know buying fruit spoils a lot quicker as an adult then when your parents bought it growing up. And I only ate the crackers because my mom said I should have more then just a banana in a day.
   • Wednesday, I was swamped at work. I worked until 5 and then worked on project until 8. After that, I met up with a few friends to visit. This meant that supper or the thought of food wasn’t really on my mind. No biggie though because I wasn’t that hungry.
   • Thursday and Friday were both similar days. Busy in the AM and busy in the PM. I ate throughout, even had 2 pieces of pizza on Thursday but I also only had a salad for dinner and snacked on mini-bagels for supper last night.
   • I do acknowledge that having a slight touch of the stomach bug on Monday evening into Tuesday had an impact on what the scale said this morning but I also did have a much different relationship to food and exercise this week than I had the rest of the month. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was both surprised and not that the scale read 10 pounds lighter than last weekend. Because I tried harder.
2. As you’ll recall I had 3 goals for the month. To pick a bedtime and stick to it, to reduce eating out to 2 times per week and to drink 1/2 my body weight in ounces of water. How did I do you ask?
   • Bedtime: This is where I failed miserably. My mind won’t shut off. I did pretty okay for the first quarter of the month and a few days in between since then but I just can’t turn off. I’ve been reading nearly every night before bed trying to wind down from screen-time but I just toss and turn for hours and hours. Often times I elect to pick my phone back up and just surf Wikipedia or see what’s happening in the world. I’d rather be learning something then just tossing around all night. The solution to try and remedy this? I got my first order of essential oils this week. I still have to read through everything (I’ve never used them), but I hear lavender is the key to a sleep-full night.
   • Eating Out: I would consider this month a success in terms of cutting my eating out down. I ate out probably 2-3 times overall per week this month which is an improvement. Think double or triple times better than the recent months.
   • Water: I excelled in this department. Now, I do have to say.. 1/2 my body weight in my ounces is a lot. Like a lot a lot. I didn’t actually hit that goal at all this month but I did come dang near close and I can feel the effects of water on my body. Feeling hydrated is a great feeling. I hear it helps clear up skin and helps with digestion too. I can’t really comment on either of those because I didn’t pay close attention to that but just overall, drinking all my water does make me feel better.

I think I should try to start closing this recap..

Although this week alone seemed to be the deciding factor in the success of the month, I do want to fine tune “eating when I’m hungry” because I think it’s important to get all the necessary nutrients and calories required for a balanced lifestyle in each day. All of which didn’t happen this week or month. I feel good overall. I think making sure I got 2 fruits in a day, exercising and drinking all my water helped tremendously but I had very little “greens” this week and come to think of it absolutely no meat. #proteinequalspower

Thank you beyond words to the incredible support I have in my life though for helping me through all the obstacles this month notably my mom, Julie and my aunt, Krissy. I know you are likely my faithful 2 (followers) but you both really have helped me persevere in more ways then one the last 31 days.

Today’s Guessing Game Adventure

First, I’d like to start off by thanking everyone that commented and messaged me in regards to my last post. Although it’s a shitty thing that people can relate to, it does bring a great deal of hope knowing that others have overcome the rolling hills of obesity.

If you’ve been following along, you know that last week (which was only week 2) was extremely difficult for me. I didn’t exercise, I ate out too much, gained weight and threw a pity party. Imagine what I could do if I tried, huh?

This week though, I’m starting off on the left foot (because I’m left handed).. I went grocery shopping yesterday and told my brain AND my body to work in my favor this week. My fiancé, Channing, even gave me a piece of advice after listening to me whine about my troubles the last 7 days. He told me that I need to take my time. And that my body probably doesn’t like being deprived of everything it loves so suddenly. That I shouldn’t start off with a goal of 1700 calories when my body is used to 2500+ a day. He told me that I should allow myself a “treat” as a reward at the end of the day because I’m used to eating 2 or 3 candy bars.. “Stopping cold turkey might work for some people but it doesn’t work for you..”

Duh. All of that is everything I try to tell myself and never follow through on. Channing telling me this, for some reason, opened an insightful door that I didn’t know was closed. Are you wondering where his great and wise never-been-fat advice came from? Quitting tobacco. He’s tried time and time again to just quit but it never works. So over the last couple of weeks, he’s been “allowing” himself just a little bit less then usual. It’s wild how two addictions so different from one another can use the same tactics for success.

Anyway, that has nothing to do with the purpose of today’s post. HA!

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Today’s guessing game adventure.. I packed my lunch today among other good-for-me foods to eat throughout the day. BUT a gal at work offered to buy everyone lunch. And I am not going to say no to free food. I’m not crazy. They decided to order from Drunken Noodle/Wasabi. There is literally only 1 thing on the menu that I will eat and it’s Mac N’ Cheese. Hilarious, you say? I know. I was like, shoot. Do I say “no thank you?” This is free food. I could use what I brought for lunch for another day thus spreading my purchase of food out an extra day. #SaveMoMoney  Do I have the will-power to only eat half?

I decided to order the mac n’ cheese with the intention of only eating half. Drunken Noodle is a local restaurant so they don’t have a handy dandy nutritional factoid sheet available. I’ve had to make kind-of guesstimates before but this was going to be a tough one. I thought I’d FB message the restaurant which is a pretty big deal to me. Old me otherwise known as last week me would have been like “screw it, you can start again tomorrow.” Not this time. Fooled you, self! You can see in the featured image of this post what Drunken Noodle had to say about the calorie count on their pasta. No help there, damn them!

The mac n’ cheese is semi-comparable to Noodles & Company so I decided to use them as a reference point. I elected to plug into MFP a “small bowl” of Noodles & Company Mac N’ Cheese. In the details highlighted it noted that 1.5 cups = small bowl. Drunken Noodles Mac N’ Cheese is roughly 2 full cups of pasta and since I was only eating half of that, I feel semi-okay about MFP substitution. Based off of Drunken Noodles FB message back to me, I have no idea if I’m way off or if I’m kind-of there but what does count in this rambling story is that I did only eat half of the entree. I divided it up right when it got here and put the other half in the fridge to bring home to Channing for his pre-supper meal. Or 2nd lunch. Or 1st lunch because who am I kidding, he doesn’t ever have time for lunch.

That is all.

Suicide Weight.

Suicide weight. Have you ever used this term? I have. Never aloud (until today), but I have. I should premiss by saying that I’m not and have never been suicidal. I don’t know if it’s how I was raised or the religion I was bought up in or the control I have on my mind or what.. but it’s never been a thing to me. I’ve had lows and I’ve had periods of doubts but in no world is contemplating committing suicide ever been something to realistically consider.

And I also want to say that anything I may say going forward in this post has nothing to do with whatever stereotype you think I’m associating suicide with. If suicide and the free language I associate with it following this sentence are going to be an issue for you, then I advise you stop reading. I know suicide is serious and in no way do I mean to take away from those we’ve lost to such a tragedy.

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There have been so many times throughout my life where I’d rather be die than deal with the humiliation of this or that. The fall of 5th grade specifically is the first time I literally thought I’d rather be dead in a hole with worms and bugs surrounding my corpse then put on my swimming suit over my underwear. I had my period and I didn’t do tampons.

There was also a series of times I wanted to crawl in the lonely hole I was living in following being the new kid in the middle of a semester in 9th grade. If ever there were a worse time to be the new kid on the block, let me know.

I remember being mortified when a kid in the class above me asked if I was a lesbian because I had a rainbow on my bracelet and I “look like one.” To this day, the only thing I can think of for his reasoning was because I was heavy. Obviously lesbians are not universally fat but this was the reasoning I had when I was 15.

I remember wishing I’d sink into the ground and suffer a slow quiet death when I sat on a chair in Nutrition class the 2nd year of college and it broke instantly. I was so stiff with fear wishing my heartbeat racing and the anxiety that followed would have been clear signs of a heart attack.

I remember stepping on the scale less than 30 days ago and seeing that I was 8 pounds shy from 400 and wondering where the cut-off would be before I slit my wrists and thighs in the bathroom at work. How far would I let myself go?

Today I was reminded of this recurring half-thought of suicide when a co-worker was contemplating eating a piece of banana bread but decided not to because she’s “dangerously close to suicide weight.”

Let that sink in.

I know you don’t know this woman but I love her dearly. She’s one of my favorite people that I work with. She’s a mom to 1 handsome little kiddo and she’s smarter than I’ll ever be. She’s beautiful and she’s kind. She (in her mind) is overweight I suppose. To me, she’s healthy. She doesn’t have a double chin, her boobs are bigger than her stomach, her fingers don’t absorb her wedding ring. She is fine.

But she had the willpower not to take a piece of banana bread because she hadn’t stepped on a scale in so long that she fears she’s nearing suicide weight. Can you believe it? I know the saying.. don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes but whoever you are saying that can shove a big one.

I’m sure she doesn’t know I heard her nor do I care. I don’t want people to be sensitive around me or be careful of what they say because I’m fat but this struck a nerve. I wanted to stand up and punch her square in the face. She has no idea what it’s like to be fat. Carrying around lingering baby weight 3 years after birth is not the same as what I’m carrying around. She received the gift of motherhood from her weight.

Although she said it in a completely figurative sense, what is her suicide weight? What is mine? Have people whom I know or don’t know seen me and thought to themselves.. “If I ever get that fat, kill me.”? Think about it. Have they?

They have. Because I have.

I’ve seen people.. Grotesque, gigantic people. In public and restaurants and stores. Stomachs stretching beyond the fabric of their shirts.. wobbly walking like a duck.. weighing down a scooter at Wal-Mart.. I’ve seen huge people and I’ve said that very thing to myself: Do not get like that. Do not get that big. Please, kill yourself before you get that big.

I think I suppress a lot of my feelings surrounding my weight because of this literal realization.. I don’t want to think about how big I am because I AM already. I am that huge. It’s a magical set of finely tuned movements that make sure my clothes stay in place.  I’m sweating and sticky and feel gross under my worn out body shaper, I haven’t worn jeans in over 3 years, my front butt is bigger then my real butt..

When I see photos of myself that I wasn’t in charge of taking, I want to vomit. I legit want to shove my hand so far down my throat so that I can puke all of my fat up. I want to get into a car accident on my way home and die. I want to fall in the bathtub, hit my head and never wake up.. I push these “feelings” of self-hatred and disgust down as far as they can go because I don’t want to think about how big I am.. Because I’m there. I am at my suicide weight. I’m there, guys. I can’t get any bigger. I can’t.

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Follow more of my journey on my Instagram page where I post regular happenings, weekly weigh-ins, and daily struggles @iatemylife89. (This is a private Insta account so depending on who you are, I may or may not accept your request to follow. In other words.. If you are a co-worker, long lost friend, or someone I kind of know.. you’ll have to wait until I’ve lost any weight for me to feel comfortable enough to share the worst thing about myself. #sorrynotsorry)

Here’s An Update, Kinda

Wow, hey! I haven’t gone into much detail about what I’m “doing” these days health-wise. So I suppose I should fill you in a little. I was going to Jenny Craig for accountability. I wasn’t really getting much of their food and ended up determining that it was too stressful to go there weekly and get the scripted statements they give me week after week. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

So, after gaining whatever it was that I had re-lost over a 3 week period, I gained it all back. #frustrating #selfsabotage

BUT, in the meantime I’ve been working on something new. I’ve done a little “soul” searching I guess you could say over the last month or so. Think along the lines of: What am I doing? Where am I going? Why am I not happy? What do I want to be doing that I physically can’t? You get the picture.

After a long Labor Day weekend of passing by many amusement park rides and wanting so badly to ride every single one like a little kid; I couldn’t because I knew I exceeded the weight restrictions. Talk about a whiff of realization. Take that, added to the semi-successful but very emotional shopping experience I had; it really hit me that I need to get my act together. (For the millionth time)

That’s probably why I fall out of motivation, because I don’t go anywhere. I stay hidden because I don’t like the glaring realization that I’m morbidly and unhealthily obese. Literally. If I don’t go anywhere, slowly but surely I will forget and fall into old habbits. Hmm.

Those examples above are just a few reasons that gave me a boost of motivation. I recently paired up with my aunt, Krissy and a friend of hers. We decided to begin weighing in on a weekly basis in a non-judgmental, do-whatever-health-kick-you-feel-like zone. If you want to do Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, MyFitnessPal, Slim Fast, whatever. Go for it.

At this point, we’re in the very early stages of what this is or could possibly be.  I don’t want to go into much detail at this point. Right now, we’ve just started with our group of 3 here in the Fargo metro area with the weekly weigh-ins. I’ve included my mom on the topics of discussion and attempting to provide encouragement and Krissy has been doing the same with her sister and my aunt, Karen.

How was week one? Great! At weight in, I lost 4 pounds. #yessir  I’m proud of myself but I’m realistic going forward. Usually, for me, the first week is always the week that I see a big drop. A drastic change in what I’m doing from the week prior is obviously going to reflect on the scale either way.

Over the last week, I went on 4 walks at a minimum of 30 minutes. I lifted 2 pound weights while watching the morning news and I’ve been drinking lots and lots of water. I also dug out my fitbit that I bought some time ago and strapped that pink beaut onto my wrist.

I’ll be sure to fill you in on this new path of the long journey I’ve begun again. Once I’ve really put in some good honest hard work in and actually proven to myself that I can stick with this for more than a month; I’ll elaborate on everything that we’ve put together.  In the meantime, don’t give up because you are SO worth it.

What’s the deal?

Excuse me while I tearfully admit that I’ve been majorly slacking lately. I took a small hiatus from this blog (Yes, I know ‘Didn’t you JUST start it?’). I don’t know what’s been up my butt lately. 2 weeks ago I blamed the world wide web of stress and then last week I’m blaming a bum ankle and scraped up legs that just made me lazier than usual.

Although I haven’t totally let all my hard work slide, I have been slacking big time. Like BIG TIME. I broke my rule of logging into MyFitnessPal because I was busy and didn’t want to think about what I ate that day because it wasn’t good.

I have been doing some thinking though. I don’t know if my “complaining” posts are doing me any good. I never really am looking for pity, it’s more of a source to get out my frustrations. These may continue but I might give myself a day or two to mull the topics over before sharing.

Also, at the launch of this blog, I wanted to do so many things all at once. I was thinking of the big picture, what I want to be seen and said and done. But it’s a lot to ask of myself. I want to eat healthy, exercise, log everything into MFP, post daily to Pinterest, blog at least weekly, manage my Twitter page, start a weigh-in group in my community, and that’s just the things that revolve around my health and this blog.

Thankfully, I did promise to not promise anything on this journey. J (Other than that promise, obvs)

So, what’s all this blah blah blah mean?

It means that first and foremost, my health comes first. I’m a constant thinker, writer, and dreamer which means that I want to share everything with the world on this journey because I know that what I have to say is important and meaningful. BUT I will not let it (and all it comes with) get in the way of my health.

This means that I might only post a couple times a month. I might skip logging into MFP on my cheat days. My Twitter page might be dormant for a week or two.

I think it will be more realistic to add all of these things (the bigger picture) when I get a handle on what I’m doing. I lost a little weight last year and that was hard enough without trying to publicize my journey.

So between now and whenever you hear from me again. Feel free to send me encouraging words or motivational wisdom, share my story so far, and believe in me! I can’t wait to see where this takes me and I’m bringing each and every one of you along!

Talk to you sometime. -O

Reverse Anorexia

This may turn out to be a series. I have a lot to cover and I don’t want this post to be three miles long but I do want to explain how I’m feeling to the best of my writing ability. So we’ll see what happens. I’d like to do another, similar post from the point of view of my mom if she’s up for it. 🙂

Reverse Anorexia is a term coined by my mom. This is my interpretation of it..

“Reverse Anorexia: How you feel inside and how you see yourself in the mirror doesn’t match how others see you or how you photograph.  How, when you see someone’s reflection off of glass doors and realize that it’s not someone else, it’s you. Someone unrecognizable to who you know you are. They look kind of like you. The same hair, eyes, smile, clothes even. But the person.. The fat person.. The blob.. That’s not you. It can’t be.”

The first couple photos you’ll see in this post are obviously selfies. Photos that I’ve taken of myself. Photos that I have control over. I control the light and the angle. I control my facial expression and which way my chin is pointing. I control the framing of the photo. I look boss.

I like what I see. Looking in the mirror either before or after my selfie, I like what I see for the most part. My hair is working for me today. My makeup is on-point. My eyes are beautiful, my smile is genuine. I actually like what I’m wearing which is rare because I feel like everything looks like crap on me.

But, without knowing it, I’m struggling from a case of Reverse Anorexia.

I try my very best to not be included in photos unless I’m the person taking them which results in one of two ways. 1: If it’s a killer photo, I’ll be posting it to all my social media sites. Or 2: If I look, in any way, morbidly obese. Delete.

However, sometimes I let my guard down. Sometimes I’m not in control of who is holding the camera. Sometimes, photos like you’ll see in this post are made public and I die inside. I want to make clear that it’s not any kind of depression. (I don’t buy into the hype of depression or even anxiety.)

I just die a little. That’s as simple as I can put it I guess. My heart hurts when I see photos of myself, my whole self. My stomach turns wondering how many people have seen this photo and what they thought when they saw me in it. How much I’ve changed or how bad I’ve “let myself go.”

It hits me so hard I cry sometimes. I feel disgusted, gross. I can’t believe I was out in public looking like THAT. I can’t even wrap my head around the fact that it’s not just the photo that I have an issue with; it’s me. How I look in the world. How I assume people judge me based off of how I look rather than my personality. And I’m calling bullshit if people say they don’t do that, they do. Myself included.

I honestly don’t know if I have the words to explain the emotions that I feel when pictures are taken of me and posted online. The after-effect it has on me and how it ruins the moment or the day, it’s unreal. It’s not that I don’t want to have a presence online or whatever. I do. I want people to “remember” me when I’m long gone. I’m not trying to be totally invisible; I just don’t want people to see me because I hate what I see. I love social media and photography and blogging – all that jazz. But somewhere deep, it really is painful to see what I look like in the eyes of other people. Not as a person, but as a physical form.

I know who I am as a person but not many do. I think maybe my immediate family has a pretty good idea. My mom and brothers for sure. Channing is the probably the only person that gets “Ori” 100% of the time. He gets the good, the bad, and the ugly. He gets the goofy and the obnoxious. The flirtatious and the sexy. He gets me and I adore him for it.

But sometimes, honestly – I wonder if he suffers from what my mom and I call Shallow Hal Syndrome. You’ve seen the movie. Where this guy is dating this beautiful, thin, funny, smart woman. Only to turn out that he’s the only one that sees her as beautiful and thin. In reality, she’s for lack of a better phrase; big, fat, and ugly.

So I guess what I’m wondering (in vain) is; how do you view “fat” people? Really, be honest. When you see an overweight or obese person, how do you judge us without knowing us? I really want to know.

I personally am usually very quiet when I meet new people. I’m an observer. I don’t just “click” with anyone so I don’t find it necessary to open up unless I actually see friendship a possibility.

So, when you see someone heavy, really heavy and you don’t know them, haven’t spoken much to them, a co-worker, someone at the store, whatever. Does it depend on their style? Does it depend on their behaviors? Does it depend on what they do for fun? Does it depend on who they are with?

I hope with your responses, I can get a clearer view of judgment. I, myself, judge harshly. I’ll be the first to admit it. If you look like a bitch, I’ll probably stay away from you. If you have a snotty voice, I probably will avoid talking to you. If you come off as just plain stupid, I won’t bother making nice. If you are thin, I’ll assume that you don’t want to have anything to do with fat people so I won’t even bother approaching you in fear of how you’ll view me.

Reverse Anorexia is a haunting nightmare. It’s annoying. It’s frustrating to know who you are as a person, who you see in the mirror; isn’t who the world sees.

**All photos used in this post have been taken within the last 10 months. **

 

Mortified Moment of the Week

This picture. Period. Last week, a few of us at work volunteered for the United Way stuff-a-backpack thing that they do every year. I had a good time and it was nice helping out and extending a hand in the community. It was hot and the A/C was not working but I digress.

They had a backdrop (as you can see) and some props. Of course we had to take a photo, duh. I apparently wasn’t thinking or I honestly wouldn’t have been a part of the picture. This photo was shared out on Monday on our company “Culture” page. It was shared out to the entire company. All 1,000+ employees. Ehhh 😦 It was also posted on the companies Facebook page which has who knows how many likes.

This picture is out there and I can’t remove it so I figured I’d share it with you.

I hate this photo. I hate that this is how the world sees me physically. I’ll elaborate about this topic in a future post but I feel like I’m blind as to how I look. And I’m not expecting any nor do I want any pity. I don’t want any “but you’re a beautiful person on the inside” bullshit because that’s not going to make me feel any better. This isn’t a rant in vain either. It’s a rant out of disgust. When I saw this photo pop up in my inbox at work because it was shared out (just like many other photos of company events), I was horrified. I may have even literally gasped.

But, this is what has been getting me through the week. This is what helped me say “no” to offers of food. This is what helped me say “yes” to a fitness challenge my mom and I agreed on this month. This is what is helping me stay motivated.

I hope to share and update with some more photos over the weekend. I’m calling them my “before” photos because I better have after photos and I better look damn good.

Has there been anything past or present that has hit you in the face with an “oh, shit I better get my act together” moment? I’d love to hear about it so I know that I’m not the only one.

**NOTE** The original photo has 4 people in it. I cropped this photo to be of just myself for this blog.

I Said “No”

Oh, hey! I’m really feeling great this week (and it’s only Wednesday)! Being the list-lover that I am, I kept a list of things that I normally would have said “yes” to but said “no” to and lived to tell about it. Special notice to the bold and underlined word.

1. PIZZA – Rhombus Pizza to be exact. Someone, somewhere on the 4^thfloor had a group pizza par-tay this week. And they bought too much. 2 full pizzas too much. Go figure. Yay for the rest of 4^th floor, right?! I didn’t even touch them. Pizza is on my top 5 of number 1 favorite foods but I didn’t even look at it. Winning.
2. BROWNIES – Okay, here’s a secret: I love chocolate. WHAT, you didn’t know? At this point, I allow myself a “free day” which I have decided is Saturdays. I want to be conscious of my choices but I allow myself to indulge on Saturdays. I know rewarding hard work with food is frowned upon in the health guru world but sometimes, it’s the only thing that gets me through the week — knowing that I can have something I crave on Saturday. Anyways, I made brownies last Saturday and didn’t finish them all (which is good). What that means though is that they have been on the counter staring at me every single day and I haven’t even opened the cover. Maybe they’ll be too hard to eat by Saturday. BOOM.
3. TREAT DESK – At work, right behind me. Most of the time it’s either empty or full of stuff that I don’t really like. Thank you Lord, Jesus! But this week our boss is preparing to go on vacation so she “rewarded” our hard work with yummy treats. Think Cheetos, Doritos, Tootsie Rolls, M&M’s. Wanted them. Looked at them. But haven’t eat any of it.
4. TAILGATERS – I was asked to go to lunch for the Nachos & Tots buffet at Tailgaters on Tuesday. I’m not a fan of either of those food options but I was tempted because of the social aspect of the invite. After all, I could have had soup and salad and ignored the rest of the buffet. It would have been too hard to resist though, because even though it wasn’t my favorite food, I probably still would have had tots, some variation of nachos, soup, salad, and whatever else they were serving. So, even with the peer pressure, I kindly said “No thanks.”

I know these might sound silly to some people but to me, it’s my life. A month ago I would have had 3 pieces of that leftover pizza and maybe even brought a couple for the drive home. I would have finished that pan of brownies in one sitting. I would have had who knows how many bags of chips and handfuls of candy at the treat desk. But I didn’t and I’m proud of myself for making health-conscious decisions. Very, very proud.

Weigh in day..

Phew, weigh in day is here. I was nervous because I knew I hadn’t been doing very well nutrition wise this week and knowing how the week prior went, optimism wasn’t on my side. I’ve skipped a few meals due to a busy work schedule and lack of planning. I’ve also had a few days of overeating but I did my best to maintain my water intake and do a little more natural activity than usual.

This included that hangover the next morning night but it was full of dancing and moving. I also volunteered for United Way this week which involved three hours of up, down, bending movements in an un-air-conditioned Fargodome conference room. Hello sweaty-all-over!

And guess what? Even though I’m a self-critic and seem to always find something wrong with what I do, I lost 2.6 pounds anyway! I actually high-5’d myself when I got to my car. Go me!

“Progress is impossible without change and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

My mom sent me that quote today and it got me thinking. To myself and maybe even you, it might not seem like I’m making much progress but I am. Small changes over a period of time will prove that I’m making progress. Going to weigh in’s when I don’t feel like I had a good week proves progress. Volunteering for something that involved activity proves progress.

Before I started this with my mom last summer, I would have never volunteered at something like I did this week. I would have said “no way” to stepping on a scale in front of a stranger. I would have sat in my car every single lunch break until the end of time in denial while eating my number 2 cheeseburger meal at McDonalds.

I know that I’m only making small changes but I’m making changes. Changes for the better, changes in my thinking towards foods and activity, changes in my attitude. Progress is possible because I’m willing to change my mind on how I want my life to be lived.

Do you do weekly weigh-ins? I’d like to hear about your progress too!

Feeling Frustrated

I’m not feeling too hot about tomorrow’s weigh in. Last week I stayed the same from the week prior and this week I’m afraid to admit that it’ll probably be the same if not worse. I haven’t been binge eating a lot of junk food or anything but I know this week has been off food-wise.

Weird lunch breaks, volunteer work, not enough water, too lazy to go to the grocery store, ect. Being a person that strives on routine, this really puts a damper on how I figure in food from day to day. I’ve been out to eat a few times and while I’ve stayed away from my usual go-to greasy places; a Jimmy Johns sandwich sometimes isn’t much better than a burger from Mickey D’s.

Trying to get into the swing of things and wanting to live a fuller, healthier lifestyle is a lot harder this time around than last year. I can’t quite put my finger on why.

The Hurdle of the Day

After last week’s downhill slide of starch and the inability to stay focused food wise, I came to work prepared and ready to conquer this week. Except, I forgot my TV dinner on the counter at home (sorry, Lean Cuisine) and brought my salad but no container.

Guess what? Nowhere in this 5 story building filled with hundreds of people is there a paper plate or bowl. I didn’t actually go to every single level but I did check in all the common areas that I know of. Nothing. Nowhere. And I’m not about to eat like a savage out of the bag itself. It’d be wasteful.

I managed to push through my lunch without buying a pop, chips, and Kit Kat bar but I’m so hungry. I don’t know which is better: No food or junk food? Thoughts?

P.S. I did spread my snacks throughout the day but am definitely feeling the Monday blues because all I want to do is “eat, eat, eat” an actual meal.

Fat people have abdominal muscles too!

After a Saturday night of (heavy) drinking and lots of dancing, I woke up Sunday morning with a headache and a sore body. I’m 25, I should have sprung up like a sunflower as the sun rose. But I didn’t.  I really am not a partier, drinker, whatever you want to call it but I do make an exception once in a while. Then there are those that still drop it like it’s hot well into their 50’s. Whatevs.

The plus side, I guess, is that I got some hardcore physical activity in Saturday night. I don’t even know if I’ve ever had my “ab” muscles hurt like this. It’s like a good hurt though. You know what I mean? Naw I’m sayin’? The good hurt after some exercise.

Yes, I know that I don’t look like I even know what exercise is but I have had my bouts of ‘cisercising in my life. Trust me.

Anyway, half way through Monday and the muscles hidden in the deepest depths of my fat are still alive and not afraid to back down. Uh!

Introducing: Motivation!

I’ve decided to link my “Motivation to get HEALTHY!” Pinterest page to my blogs Motivation page. It only makes sense right? This way, it’ll be super easy for me to upload and re-pin motivating type inspirations to get healthy for both my readers and myself. I’ll also upload any motivating infographics that I use in this blog to my Pinterest page so it’s a catch all for all things uplifting and positive on this journey.

You can either click here or click on the Motivation tab of this blog to be redirected to my Pinterest page. Make sure to like this Pinterest board as well!

Remember, if you have any motivating tips, tricks, or exercise routines don’t be afraid to send them my way. I’ll upload it to the Pinterest page!

I hope you’re reading Krissy! Motivations are up and rarin’ to go!

The Push I Needed To Get Through A Tough Week

I just wanted to take a second to say “Thanks!” to those that have started following, liking, and commenting on my posts and blog. It gives me more motivation to not give up on myself. I apologize for being a little slow getting back to comments and messages but I’ll make it a priority to check weekly at the very least.

I was so tempted to go up town for lunch (again) because I’m still craving a stuff-your-face carb overload but because I’ve gotten some great traffic on my posts, it’s giving me the motivation to get through the day strong by sticking to my food plan for the day.

Thank you for keeping me in check!

2 Week Update

It hasn’t quite yet been two weeks but too bad. I wanted to take a minute to reflect on the first week and a half or so and how well or not well it’s been going.

1. Week 1 went awesome. I started this blog and encouraged ones I’m close with to follow me on this journey. I’m still working out the kinks and the blog isn’t fully functional yet but I’m busy you know!
2. I’m committed to entering everything into MyFitnessPal. (No matter how junkfoody) Which you’ll notice hasn’t been full of the best of the best but it’s all in there.
3. I lost 2.1 pounds my first week! (But I’ll probably be gaining this week.)
4. Going into week two hasn’t been so easy. I’m not giving up. I’m still entering all my information and making a point to send updates through my blog but I’m just not feeling it this week.

I admit, the Street Fair food definitely put a dent into my routine. And I haven’t been able to get into the swing of things since then. This weekend, we’ll be heading out of town for a wedding and a night full of drinks I’m sure.

I’m not going to quit though and I’m not going to fill you with excuses. This is part of the journey, I figure. I’ll learn eventually. I know that I need to cut back and not overindulge but it’s a tough balance when I want to go out and about to do things or be with people. One day at a time.

Also, this will probably be my last post until after the weekend. Talk to you Sunday!

Starvin’ Marvin

I’ve been having a tough time staying on track since late last week. Friday started with street fair food and Saturday involved some more. I did get some physical activity in for the first time since kick-starting my journey again so it wasn’t a total loss.

I’ll probably mention it time and time again but I’m a creature of habit. So in desperate need of a lazy Sunday and than having Monday off to catch up on some errands; I haven’t done the greatest at much food-wise. I haven’t been not trying to eat healthy but I haven’t been trying either. I don’t want to give myself too much slack but at the same time I don’t want to get into the habit of beating myself up over a “bad food day.” Giving myself too many cheat days too often will never get me to my goal of living a healthier lifestyle.

Today, for example. I brought all my food into work, started out well drinking my water; ect. But I’m hungry. Probably some kind of withdrawal from street fair food and pizza over the weekend. I just want to eat candy and carbs. I’ve tried drinking more water to mask “fullness” but it hasn’t been working.

I’ll get this down. I know I will. I just need to light the fire within me instead of expecting it to catch a spark all on it’s own.

How do you get through junk days?

Deep Fried Snickers

The Fargo-Moorhead Street Fair is in town and aside from beautiful works of art, fun things to do, and entertaining people all around – there is food. And lots of it.

If I’m going to ever going to find happiness loving myself and eventually getting to a happier, healthier weight; I’m going to have to be allowed to let myself live and partake in all that anyone else is “allowed” to do. That means that I’m not going to be ashamed that I had deep fried snickers and a chocolate marshmallow shake for lunch. Heck yes I did, it’s the Street Fair! And I’m not going to pass up on an opportunity to bond with my co-workers. I’m new to town so I’m going to take every opportunity I can, to try and make friends.

“But you didn’t have to get DEEP FRIED SNICKERS?” you say. No. But I wanted to and I’m okay with that. I’m not beating myself up for it and that’s what matters. And honestly, if the scale reflects that next week, it’s a chance I’m going to have to take.

I know that it’s so early into my “journey” or whatever but I think that it’s okay to have indulgences with moderation. I know this probably sounds extremely naive and even ignorant but I don’t want to live in a world where I’m going to have to 100% of the time sacrifice the one thing that keeps me alive; food.

Besides – going to the street fair and stuffing my face got me out of the office and off my butt for a while. I got some much needed Vitamin D, I was dripping in sweat, AND I got a nice walk in; something that I wouldn’t have done if I would have stayed at work for lunch. So there.

Down 2.1!

First weigh in since I started this journey and I’m down 2.1 pounds! Can I get a “what what!?” Considering that I didn’t really put a lot of effort into getting this going until Monday of this week, I consider this a huge win! Just imagine if I would have “tried” as soon as I had weighed in the week prior.

I have been debating on sharing my current weight with this blog. I’ve decided that I’m going to “weight” until I’ve been able to provide positive results for a little while. I know that I don’t need to share and I don’t even know how many people will come across this blog but sharing my weight is going to be mentally draining and unbearably embarrassing. I’ve been obsessing over it since I mentioned possibly sharing it in a few posts ago.

I’m very close with my mom and we share the same struggle with getting healthy and have for a long time and I won’t even tell her what I weigh. One thing that we both know is that it’s more than her. So there’s that.

One of the first things I said when starting this blog and doing the research on a weight-loss blog was to not promise anything. I can’t promise you that I’ll stick with this and I can’t promise you when I will divulge my weight. But contrary to what I just said, because this is about weight-loss and a journey, I can promise you that as long as I stick with this road to a healthier lifestyle, I will share my start weight and my weekly progress. I just cannot promise you when.

But, enough about that. I’m down 2.1 and that’s awesome!

Mid-Day Slump

Half way through day two is making me as groggy as ever. While day three has a lot of positives like fruits, veggies, and protein – the caffeine withdrawal is definitely kicking my ass.

Thankfully it’s not as bad as it has been the past 30 times I’ve tried to cut back on the sugar high. Over a number of times in my life including the last 6 months or so I was used to having whatever size pop came with my drive-thru meal. I’d also usually have a can of pop sometime in the evening because my boyfriend makes his daily snus trip to the nearby convenience store. I probably shouldn’t leave out that I’ve saved about $10 in the last few days because I haven’t bought my usual 1-3 candy bars each day.

The positives outweigh the negatives right? I’ll keep telling myself that until I really believe it. (I know it’s true, I’m just cranky.)

Although pop and candy free day number two hasn’t given me a headache, it has made me want to go home. I’m ready for bed. I’m tired and I don’t feel like dealing with people.

Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if I pee my pants this week. I’m making a great effort to get half my weight in ounces of water in and in case you’re wondering, that’s a lot. I’ve made more trips to the bathroom than I have gotten emails today.

How do you push through a mid-afternoon slump?

MyFitnessPal

I’ve always been a fan of MyFitnessPal. I’ve actually always been a fan of writing everything down line by line so when MFP became a thing; it was totally up my alley. I admit that I’ve only used it in my health nut spurts. In the past if I had a “free” day, I’d either skip entering into MFP completely or enter in a made-up day just to make it look like I was on a streak of entering. Yes, another mind game I fool myself into believing. Forgive me.

Fear not, I’m changing my ways! I want this journey to be invasive. Ultimately, I want to not only help myself but to help someone else and that’s why I want this process or story or whatever to be open with no loop holes or hidden agendas.

With that, I’ve decided on two things:

1. MyFitnessPal diary entries are now public. (Scary!) This means that you can see what I eat and around when I eat. You’ll be able to see the portion sizes, the nutrition facts, and the brands and kinds of things I buy. There may be an occasion where I will have to guess (like yesterday’s lunch was a pre-packaged salad from a local caterer) but I’ll do my best.
2. I’m going to log my entries every day, baby! Even on my cheat days and busy days. I am making it a priority to log in what I’m eating. And you better believe that I’ll have cheat days. I’m human. I wonder if making it a priority to log EVERYTHING, that I’ll be more conscious of my choices knowing that I’m letting other people see instead of sneaking things in.

I should warn you though, that I’m a creature of habit. I’m unapologetically a picky eater so you won’t see any crazy wacked out recipes or food concoctions. I’m kind of boring and I like routine. I’ll probably rotate between two or three breakfasts. My snacks will almost always be the same every day. My lunches will usually be a salad and a TV dinner of some sort. The only variety you may see will be in my dinners.

I’m a simpleton when it comes to my menu. I don’t want to have to think about it. The more work I have to put into planning a meal, the less likely I’ll even do it. I do love cooking and baking though so hopefully I won’t be too bland.

If you’re interested in seeing what I am putting into my mouth, click here. If it doesn’t give you a breakdown like I think it should, let me know. I believe you have to have a MyFitnessPal account in order to view it.

Do you use any food or nutrition tracking apps? What do you use and why?

When I Was At The Grocery Store..

When I was at the grocery store this evening, I couldn’t help but have these thoughts constantly running through my mind: “Ugh, I want poptarts. I’ll never get to have poptarts again…a full Pizza Corner pizza get in my belly! 900 calories? Who cares….SMORE’S are on sale and I need them…cheddar cheesy bratwursts, yes!”

What a mind fuck.

I want to live in a world were I can be in control of what I put into my mouth. I want to be able to eat whatever I want within reason and be able to just have one serving size instead of quadrupling whatever the packages say. I don’t know if that’s even possible, really.

My boyfriend is very supportive and going to help me the best he can on this journey but I can just as easily manipulate him as I can myself. I can tell him one minute to not offer me any of whatever he’s eating, so he won’t. Then ten minutes later, I’ll ask for some. He’ll remind me of what I made him promise but I somehow can weasel my way into the crust or just one bite or just one slice.

My self control was in check today (thankfully) but the grocery store trip was a bitch after being hungry from a lack of food/planning today and wanting to eat everything I saw.

Do you give into your temporary food cravings? What do you do to keep your salivary glands preoccupied until it passes?

I’m In Charge Of My Choices.

I’m feeling good after an unorganized (which is out of my character) and busy Monday. As I mentioned yesterday, I hadn’t bought groceries yet thus leading to an unplanned day of food. I’m sure you’ll be happy to hear that I gave myself a “hell ya” pat on the back today.

Not only did I walk right past the delicious deep friend smells that Casey’s General Store had to offer when I filled up on gas during my noon hour BUT I so graciously declined “National Ice Cream Week” at work. DQ ice cream at that. I was so tempted to get ice cream that I made a deal with myself. I would wait until the mad rush of the 4th floor grabbed theirs. If, when I went up there, that my favorite kind [a mint dilly bar] was still available, than I’d have one. Guess what? All gone. And just because the universe wanted to protect my good food day, all that was left were a few Starkiss not-really-even-ice-cream treats which I easily said “nah” to.

I kind of have to laugh at the silly hurdles I was faced with today. I opted for a salad and fat free dressing for lunch instead some kind of fast food. And not to over-complain but gross. Pre-made salads sold at work are a huge disappointment for $6. I also forgot my water bottle in my car after lunch so I relied on little Culligan cups of water for the rest of the day. I may have looked like a goober but it got the job done.

The picture attached to this post is an example of what I had for supper. We went grocery shopping after work. I decided for my first full week of “continuing my journey” that I’d be more aware of what I was buying rather than diving right in and creating unrealistic expectations for myself. Channing (my boyfriend, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned him yet) decided he wanted pizza tonight. I admit, we usually each get a full pizza and we usually each eat our own. In it’s entirety and sometimes I’m still hungry afterwards. My stomach is like a pit with no bottom. Actually typing this out knowing that I’m going to post it makes me cringe. I don’t always know what “full” feels like. Anyway — Chann’s supper started and ended like “normal.” I decided to buy light wheat english muffins, low-fat mozzarella cheese, thin sliced ham, and sauce. It definitely wasn’t a rising crust Jack’s but it was just about as delicious. It felt so rewarding to eat something that I made and made a conscious effort to put together a supper that was at the very least, better than what I usually would have had. I paired my english muffin pizzas with a side of green beans.

I’d also like to send a quick thanks to those that have reached out since I posted this blog. I’ve received a handful of tips, advice, and “you can do its!”

Ready For Week 1?

Me either. I will be weighing in weekly on Thursdays. That’ll be the day that I don’t want to but feel that I must share with you my weight. I’d like to tell you that I’m full of excitement and energy going into this first week of my blog and weigh in but I’m not.

Yesterday I went to Sonic for breakfast/lunch and had a few drinks with friends last night. Today I stuffed my face with everything Zorbaz but you know, balanced it out with a few hours of swimming. Basic math right? I had planned on going grocery shopping today to kickstart my week on a positive note but I didn’t get around to it. Too busy swimming remember. That’s okay. I’m not perfect. This isn’t going to be a perfect journey.

I plan to have oatmeal and a slice of peanut butter toast for breakfast tomorrow for “day 1.” I’ll have a shake around 10:00 and then I have nothing planned beyond that point. If I can push through the McDonalds craving I’m sure I’ll have, I hope to go down to the mez at work and grab a salad. I’ll be going to the store tomorrow right after work so I’ll probably be updating you with my progress on day 1 tomorrow.

Remember DRINK YOUR WATER! Let’s do this!

By the way, I went swimming today in public and didn’t bother caring what other people thought. Take that fat-shamers.

What To Expect.

I haven’t quite ironed that out yet. If you’re still with me, congratulations. I’m a rambler of words. Being the perfectionist that I am, I didn’t want to share this out with my family and friends until the site was “ready” by my standards. Guess what? With perfectionism comes procrastination.

SO…no the site isn’t 100% ready to rumble yet but it’s a start. If I didn’t share out what I’ve put together so far, it’d probably be another two weeks before I introduced this to you and two weeks before I began a healthier and happier lifestyle.

By the end of this month, I plan to have my Motivation and Progress pages updated which is the last step in the set up process. The progress page is going to be the most difficult. You may notice that I’ve only shared a few “selfies” to this point. And if you follow me on any social media site, it’s the same. If you’ve ever tagged me in a photo, you’ll soon see that I usually untag myself within seconds. There’s a reason I’m always the one taking the photos. The progress page is going to be what the world already sees, not what my creatively angled phone will show you. I’m not emotionally or mentally ready to share with my family, let alone the potential world, what my weight is, but I’m going to. I’m not ready to consciously allow my most embarrassing photos be published on this blog, but I have to.

I going to do it for myself. Not to prove anything to my readers, not to try and one-up the last weight-loss blogger but I need to look at myself in the mirror of the world. In the mirror at home I suck in and brainwash myself to only see my face tilted slightly down as to not see the double or triple chin of the day. I need to look at and share what I actually look like because avoiding it obviously hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

Starting Over. Again.

In June of 2014, my mom and I signed up for Jenny Craig. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Following the program off and on and often to the beat of my own drum, I lost 41 pounds between …. [checking myfitnesspal] … June 4^th and October 18^th. Roughly 4 ½ months. Although it wasn’t even a fraction of what I needed to lose, it’s totally worth a “fuck yes.”

For personal and career reasons, I moved to Bemidji mid-October and guess what? They didn’t have a JC. Without feeding you full of excuses that you don’t want to hear, I gained most of that weight back. I recently moved “back” to my adopted homeland of North Dakota and just this week re-joined Jenny Craig.

This time I’m going to do this different. To go along with being honest with myself and with the encouragement of my mom, I was also honest with the Jenny Craig consultant. What helped me lose the 41 pounds mid-last year wasn’t the program or the food; it was the accountability. My main reason for going to JC week after week is for the weigh-ins and pep talks; not the food.

I’ll still purchase a few of my favorite Jenny foods because well, I like some of them, but I’m not going to ever claim that Jenny Craig’s food program helped me lose weight. I’m a picky eater [go figure] so I don’t really find most of their menu very “delicious” anyways. However, I have learned from both Jenny and life that there are a few key things to be successful and stay successful when it comes to getting healthy:

• Drink water and lots of it. The best advice I’ve gotten so far is to drink half your body weight in ounces of water EACH DAY. So if you weigh 300 pounds, you’ll be drinking 150 ounces of water today. Better start early.
• You’ll hear me say this 70 times over but accountability is key. Regularly weighing in and reporting to someone is the single most thing that kept me trying last year.
• Eat breakfast and fruits and veggies. Drink all that water! Consciously add in protein-rich and fiber-full foods.
• Be as active as your body and motivation level will allow.

Losing 41 pounds last summer was in no way “easy.” Look at me, I gained it back because slowly but surely, I let all of those tips slide with time. I dived back into Mountain Dew and Snicker bar induced comas with the snap of a finger.  I can binge eat at almost any fast food restaurant you mention. It’s a disease. But I’m worth it and I can’t stop fighting.

I’m Morbidly Obese.

I hate that phrase. To me, it’s just as derogatory as n**** or cunt. Morbidly obese is the asshole way of saying “you’re disgusting and probably going to die soon.” Thanks for the death sentence Webster’s.

With my first few posts here, I just want to introduce you to who I am and as you can see; my humor (if you want to call it that) is probably a little dryer than usual. Throughout the duration of this blog, you’ll learn about “my weight loss story” so I’m not going to dive into all of those topics right now.  Feel free to navigate throughout the blog and tabs for more information about myself, my progress, motivation, and much more.

To sum myself up in a few short sentences: My name is Orianah but everyone calls me Ori. I’m a 25 year old dreamer that wants to travel the world, get married, buy a house, and have children – in that order. My mom is my biggest fan and my best friend. I love to write (blog), take photographs, and create art in multiple mediums. I’m fat, overweight, obese, whatever you want to call it. I hate the words bigger, plump, and husky because they’re insulting and you’re not “being nice” by saying it. This is my story and I hope you read every post.